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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Theres always someone. <3
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I don't even know anymore. - July 3rd 2011, 10:23 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

**I'm not going to just erase all of this, but being the morning after and having talked about some of this to someone after basically having a breakdown last night, I'm feeling a little better.


Trig warning intended for SH/Suicide, I guess.


First off, apologies for the length. As I'm sitting here thinkin about everything I don't necessarily have the slightest idea where to begin, so I imagine this will be more than a little lengthy.
Anyway.

Today has been horrible.
Yesterday at this point I guess you would say.

Got dragged to my moms cousins wedding, who is apparently her cousin on her real dads side and I know absolutely none of that side of the family and therefore got bitched at multiple times by her for asking who people were.
Then got dragged from that shopping the rest of the day. Got to listen to my mom tell me I need to lose weight, how this sundress won't fit her because it's too big but then it will fit me, which is total BULLSHIT. But it still makes me feel like crap.
Then got dragged to some stupid movie and didn't even pay attention to it really because I just really wanted to go home and get the fuck away from them.

Now I think I've finally gotten to the point where I don't know what to do anymore.

I've been trying really hard lately to be happy, or at least pretend to be. I've been spending a lot of time on here, especially when I've been upset, focusing on other people's problems and tryingto help them solve them and deal with them.
But the thing is, I can't say I believe half of what I've said. Not anymore. And it makes me feel like a hypocrite to say "oh, things can always get better" or whatever when I don't feel like they can anymore. Not for me.

Because when it all comes down to it, at the end of the day, I'm still just as much of a failure as I have been. A disappointment.

There's no point for me anymore. I try my damnedest to help people online. Big freaking whoop.
I very seriously doubt it's done the least bit of good anyway.

My parents still look down on everything I do.
Still tell me how much of a disappointment I am.
Still list out my every flaw.
Still judge me for every little thing.

My "friends" from school still don't talk to me unless they want something.
And when they do, they still always manage to upset me without meaning to.

My grandparents act like they care, but then have absolutely nothing to do with me.

My brother doesn't talk to me unless he wants something.

I swear, I'm completely alone. The only people I have is some of you on here. And it's just not the same.

I just want someone to care.

At the same time though, I seriously doubt I can find that. There's only so much someone can put up with me.
I feel like all I do is bitch about my problems. I know how many people in the world would kill to be in my shoes instead of their own.
And I feel like every person who tells me "you can talk to me anytime" is just saying it to be nice. They don't mean it, not really. If I start to try and talk to them about anything, they shut me out. They act like it never happened. Or I end up never talking to them about my problems anymore because I feel like I've annoyed them enough.

I got home earlier after being stuck out with my parents all day, and I cut. I hadn't for a while. And I obviously put more pressure behind it than I thought. I think it's the worst I've done since I've been self harming.

And I don't care.

I keeping telling myself to hold on, things will get better. But I really just don't feel like they will.

I can't even get into a car anymore without catching myself hoping to get into a wreck and only me die. I don't like feeling like this. But I can't seem to stop myself.

I'm sick of being here. I won't ever amount to anything. I've got nothing to offer. I give people advice on here to distract myself from my own problems, and my advice sucks. Asides from that, I do nothing.

No one from my family/friends/whatever where I live would miss me. At least not for long.

I'd probably be doing them all a favor, by taking care of the problem instead of sitting around bitching about it more.

The really bad thing about it all though, is I can't even do that right. I don't want to be here anymore, but I still can't bring myself to change that.

I just don't even know anymore. I don't even know my reasons for writing this out. Even if people reply, I seriously doubt I'd actually be able to talk to any of them. I'd just feel like I'm complaining and burdening them with my problems


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
Add me on FB <--- apparently this is my creeper face.

Last edited by Intoxicated Brutality; July 3rd 2011 at 02:57 PM. Reason: Edit at top of post.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I don't even know anymore. - July 3rd 2011, 02:42 PM

Awww I'm sorry I know exactly how you feel :/ you're definitely needed SOMEWHERE, you just don't realize it :/ I know it feels like it's never going to end but I PROMISE it does. It goes away. I like that you wrote this, because I can totally identify. You have to go out and look for someone........care about someone so much that they care about you back. that's really the only advice I have though. feel better


--
searching for myself...
and hugs. mostly hugs.
--
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Theres always someone. <3
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Re: I don't even know anymore. - July 3rd 2011, 02:50 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by bailatyvm View Post
Awww I'm sorry I know exactly how you feel :/ you're definitely needed SOMEWHERE, you just don't realize it :/ I know it feels like it's never going to end but I PROMISE it does. It goes away. I like that you wrote this, because I can totally identify. You have to go out and look for someone........care about someone so much that they care about you back. that's really the only advice I have though. feel better
Thank you for the reply.
I actually am feeling better this morning. I guess I just needed to get some of this out of my system...but I still appreciate that you took the time to reply. It means a lot


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
Add me on FB <--- apparently this is my creeper face.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
bailatyvm Offline
bada bing bada boom.
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Join Date: June 1st 2011

Re: I don't even know anymore. - July 4th 2011, 03:30 AM

well I'm glad you're feeling better and keep venting if need be


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and hugs. mostly hugs.
--
   
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Re: I don't even know anymore. - July 4th 2011, 08:19 PM

...

You helped me. You read alot of my posts about my mother, and my family. If nothing else you gave me some kind words and a pat on the back to keep going. Knowing others have faith in me makes me want to be more motivated, and make it through another day smiling.

Things might not get better, but at least you can move out one day, seeing as you're 17, one day soon. You can run away from it all once you are 18, so hold out 'till then.

I understand why you feel like this, but it isn't what you want. I doubt anyone really wants to die, I mean our survival instincts make it impossible for us to completely give up the will to live. I know you can survive, I know deep down you want to grow old.

PM me if you need anything at all. I swear to God I will try to help, even if I just listen. Also remember, nothing can last forever. Rain, sun, good, bad. Nothing can last forever.

- Justin



"Buy it, use it, break it, fix it,
Trash it, change it, mail, upgrade it,
Charge it, point it, zoom it, press it,
Snap it, work it, quick, erase it,
Write it, cut it, paste it, save it,
Load it, check it, quick, rewrite it"
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