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Bubbly751 Offline
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confusion - July 3rd 2011, 10:50 PM

So I have spent a long time trying to figure out what has been causing my suicidal feelings/attempt and sh. Well the reasons i came up with are: my parents very messy divorce. not coping going from home school to a reg school (when i started cutting/ suicide attempt). being an outcast throughout middle school, being picked on and bullied. the emotional abuse from my parents (luckily its been getting way way better).

I have been trying to come to terms with most of those mentioned above, with the help of the school counselor. but one of the things that bothers me now is how confused i am about everything thats going on and how I feel. Its like i know whats happening but i don't want to accept it or something. I try to think things through but i cant then i get angry and end up cutting. Its like I dont have an opinion because anytime I try to make one I find something that contradicts it. I have no idea on how to get around this feeling of constant confusion, which makes me feel quite inadequate and stupid.

I do want help but I always self consciously do something to avoid it. I cant ever force myself to go to counseling when im supposed to like the last 3 weeks i was supposed to go at least once a week but I didnt. I belive that since i am so used to being depressed that i dont know how to be happy. Frankly i enjoy being depressed and cutting.

Im having surgery next month and am terrified of a doc seeing my arms or ankles and asking about cutting in front of my parents (who after 3 years still don't know). It might be the best thing I would deff get help while in the hospital. The scars are super obvious but ive gotten past docs 3 times before with really good lies that my mom didnt even question. but I don't want to lie anymore but i know i will. I hate myself soo much

One last thing I am terrified of graduating highschool, and my goal is to not graduate. I'm only going to be a sophmore but anytime i think about graduating I feel sick. My guess is im not making i through this year i already have it all planned, people will think i cracked from my brother leaving.


sorry that was really long i just really needed to get it all out.


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I've been here for 3 years and counting!!

Last edited by Bubbly751; July 4th 2011 at 12:22 AM. Reason: typos
   
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Re: confusion - July 5th 2011, 01:39 AM

First off--
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You don't deserve it.
Now, I have a feeling that the anger has to do with a sense of helplessness. As a victim of bullying myself, I know how horrible and alone it can make you feel. It's even worse when people start ganging up on you and you feel like there's nothing you can do to help yourself. It makes everything worse when you feel like you have no one on your side. I too cut when I feel angry. It helps to release some of that feeling.

The fact that you can recognize that getting help while you are still in the hospital means that on some level, you do want help. You can get out of this maelstrom of negativity. It seems impossible but it's true. Just hold onto that belief--it's the first step towards recovery. I'm so proud that you've started getting counselling--even if you don't go every week like you're supposed to, at least you're trying. That in itself is a huge achievement. However, it's imperative that you keep going every week even if you really don't want to. I have the same sort of relationship with my counselor: half the time, I don't want to go because I feel like it's pointless. Afterwards, though, I feel like a weight's been taken off my chest. They can really help you sort things out and put things together. They also provide helpful insight with your problems that you may not have been able to see at first.

Why are you so terrified of graduating high school? By the sounds of it, it hasn't been a very positive place for you at all. If you're afraid of the unknown, take comfort in this: by graduating, you're taking the first step towards becoming independent. That means you won't have to deal with your parents and their abuse, the crap from kids at school and most of the daily emotional trauma caused by them. You'll still have to deal with the aftermath, but at least you won't be fighting an uphill battle anymore. Plus, graduating can be a HUGE boost to your self-esteem--you'll be able to look back and say that you survived. High school didn't finish you off and you're that much stronger for it.

Now, I know what I'm saying may sound a bit crazy and out there. I know that it feels like you have no chance whatsoever of getting better, that your emotions are all over the place and that every time you turn around there seems to be a new obstacle to overcome. But you're a strong young girl and you have your whole life ahead of you. So do I, in fact. Don't be ashamed of becoming who you're meant to be. We're both at a very crucial and trying stage in our lives. These are the days in which we decide who we want to be. Keep your thoughts positive and make every decision one that will propel you forward. You can only go up from here, right? I'm not sure if you have Tumblr, but even if you don't, I think you should check out this blog: http://you-are-a-survivor.tumblr.com/ I find often, when I want to cut or otherwise harm myself, looking at motivational and positive pictures and whatnot really helps take my mind off it. This song also makes me feel better about...well, everything when I'm sad. Good luck and I'm only a PM away if you need help. <3 Stay strong.
   
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Re: confusion - July 5th 2011, 02:31 AM

Thanks I really like the tumblr page just knowing that someone took the time means alot to me. I will try harder.


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Re: confusion - July 5th 2011, 03:39 AM

I'm glad you do. And don't push yourself too hard. Take as much time you need. <3
   
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