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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
YoungDragonfly_ Offline
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Name: Kay
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It's exhausting. - July 6th 2011, 02:30 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

It's exhausting, I'm exhausted. It's the kind of tired I can't just sleep away. It's painful to keep going day after day just pretending to be happy. Smiling, laughing, joking around when all I want to do is lay in bed for weeks at a time curled up in a ball under the covers. I can't kill myself only because I do have a lot to live for. And by a lot I mean a 3 and a half year old son. He needs his mommy alive, and by alive I mean not only literally but also metaphorically. I feel like a zombie. I don't have the energy to run around with him because everything is just overpowering my motivation and happiness.
I miss being happy. Fuck, I don't even care to be happy, I just want to be okay. I had been taking antidepressants but my doctor purposely prescribed me ones that would make me sick if I didn't take them with food and a side effect of them was they made me gain weight like crazy. Needless to say I took myself off of them.
I'm always too afraid to talk to anyone about anything. I stopped talking to 99% of my friends and lost my best friend because she didn't know how to help me and distanced herself when I needed her the most. My boyfriend doesn't even know how everyday just drags on and every night I go to sleep hoping it will be the last day and won't wake up in the morning. If I told him how I literally have to stop myself from attempting suicide on a frequent basis he would tell me to stop being dumb and selfish. He doesn't understand. He thinks everything is great. It's not, nothing is, and I feel like nothing ever will be again.
I'm in so much mental pain I can't handle it. I can't sleep, I don't want to eat, I don't want to breathe. I need it to stop. I don't even feel like any advice on here will help. I feel like the only solution is death. I'm so lost.

And this isn't me being an attention whore. Those who have talked to me before know I NEVER open up about anything and keep everything bottled. Well I can't handle it anymore. I want to be selfish and end all of this misery.

And some nights she still charms her way out of hopes to leave with a morning of sleep.
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bailatyvm Offline
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Re: It's exhausting. - July 7th 2011, 06:59 PM

Mm, I'm sorry darling. You HAVE to let things go though..letting them go on here was an excellent first step. I know how you feel with all of the emotional pain/confusion...but it will get better. Believe in yourself darling, you're stronger than this<3

searching for myself...
and hugs. mostly hugs.
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Re: It's exhausting. - July 10th 2011, 12:55 AM

Hey there Kay

Okay so I have a couple things so I think Ill just list them
-As far as the meds go, tell your doctor you want a different prescription. Thats ridiculous, id go off em too if they made me gain weight! And if your doctor wont give you a different prescription, go to a different doctor!!
-Your boyfriend might be responding like that because he doesn't understand. Try talking to him with the prerequisite that he listen and be sensitive in his response.
-reach out to your best friend. call her at least once a week and just talk about anything. you may not feel like it, but you will appreciate that you did in the future.
-You have a beautiful little boy! And he loves his mommy with all his heart. Whenever you feel suicidal, hold your son and sing to him, and gently pat his hair, and know that you have the beautiful, unbreakable, unconditional love of a child. Hold on to that and be there for him. As you said you have so much to live for. Be strong, it will get better. Just take it one day at a time. Good luck <3

"When you've forgiven but you cant forget feels like your drowning but still got breath"

i love you.

YOU are beautiful no matter what and dont YOU forget it!!! <3

PM me if you need to talk!(:

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