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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
eigor Offline
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Name: Jon
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Location: Wisconsin

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Join Date: July 6th 2011

I honestly feel like giving up... I'm tired of everything and feel so alone. - July 6th 2011, 10:04 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hi I'm Jon and this is my story.

I honestly do not know how I wrote so much about myself but then again it's my life story. I guess... I'm really at my bottom and I'm so lost that I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I figure that maybe someone will have enough time to read through my story and realize how bad my life has been. And maybe they will be able to help or something, I feel so alone I truly do not see the point of going on anymore, I'm so sick of how my whole life has turned out. It's been hell and I swear things have only gotten worse over the last 8 years of my life. It has been one bad thing after another and sometimes, I feel like ending it might be the best way to truly end my suffering. I have never felt more alone in my life then ever before. I'm so fucking unhappy I honestly don't know how much more I can take! I'm at my breaking point =/

Any help would be much appreciated, even if it's just talking through messages or anything. I don't know.... I'm sorry for complaining and for writing a HUGE post. If you do read through my whole story then I would really appreciate it and it would help you understand what I'm feeling like and what I'm going through.

Anyway, this is my life story. I guess I should start from the very beginning and how I'm struggling with a lot of issues in real life. At the same time it's such a struggle not to commit suicide because you know, I'm really unhappy and depressed with life. I hate my life!

My problems started in first grade and it was because of my hearing loss. As you would expect, people tend to pick on people who have something wrong with them. I was born with a hearing loss and I have always hated myself for having a hearing loss. And that fact was only reinforced every single day I went to school, from first grade until ninth grade. I know I shouldn't be embarrassed by my hearing loss or telling this story but I am. Every day I went to class, I would be picked on by a group of people. They would call me horrible names and it was relentless and never ending. I would cry after taking so much and crying would make things even worse. Some days I would be followed around with people calling me names, other days I would get beat up and for what? A hearing loss? It's sad, it really is and it has left an ever lasting mark on me. I went through school for the most part alone and trying to keep to myself. I honestly never got the chance to have many friends and as a result my social life has suffered an awful lot. It sucks because I have always wanted friends and all I ever got was such hatred towards me for having a hearing loss.

However, I did have two friends who were very supportive and very helpful while I was going through first grade until eighth. They were always there to try and cheer me up when things got really bad. However, the experience was so horrible that I became really depressed and suicidal. It had gotten to the point where I did not want to continue living anymore and that I tried to end my life a few times.

Sadly, after eighth grade, my dad got a new job and we had to move to MA. This is where my life takes a turn for the worst and from that day forward, my life has been a struggle to stay alive. Leaving my two friends behind was hard enough but starting High School without any friends at all was a nightmare. Once again, the teasing and the picking on me started again and without my two friends, I just couldn't take it anymore. I was just becoming more and more depressed and by the time ninth grade was over, I had decided that I was not going to return to high school. I had enough and I dropped out of high school. The teasing and the bullying did stop since I was no longer in school, however, my problems would only get worse.

Shortly after dropping out of high school, my health started to take a turn for the worse. I started to have a lot of chest pains and at the time I thought it was nothing serious. As time went on, I started to have trouble breathing and the pain only got worse. At this point, I finally tell my parents and they drive me to the hospital. At the hospital, they decide to take some chest x-rays and they find that both of my lungs had collapsed more than 50% in each lung. As a result of that, they wheel me away and start to numb the outside of my chest for chest tubes. At this point, I'm starting to freak out because they want to put two chest tubes in while I'm awake. The staff are trying to calm me down and the chest tubes won't hurt because the chest is numb. I was only 15 at the time and they start the process of putting the chest tube in. At first I was okay because the chest muscle was numb and I did not feel them cutting my muscle. However, what they don't tell you is that your chest wall can not be numbed and is one of the most sensitive parts in the human body. So they push the chest tube through the thin layer of chest muscle and then they reach the chest wall and inorder for them to put the chest tube in, they need to force the chest tube through the chest wall. In other words, they are going to stab you with the chest tube so it goes through the chest wall. And it was by far the most painful thing I have had experienced in my life. I screamed and cried and I started to fight with the staff about not letting them do the other chest tube unless they put me to sleep. So after a few tense minutes, they decide to put me to sleep for the last chest tube.

I was then taken to the ICU for a day and half and then taken to the regular hospital room. I stayed in the hospital for a good week before they pulled out the chest tubes and sent me home. Before they sent me home, the surgeron came to see me and he said that I was lucky to be alive after having both lungs collapsed more than 50% in each lung. He also said that, my lungs should not collapse again and that it was just one of those things that happen to tall and thin teens. So I'm released from the hospital and I spend the next 2 to 3 weeks recovering at home from the chest tubes. It really does take that long for your lungs to fully heal after having chest tubes. As you can imagine, this is not helping my depression at all and I'm only getting worse and more upset and depressed.

However, shortly after I heal at home, I start to have chest pains again and I'm telling myself that this can't be happening again. I go for another x-ray and sure enough my right lung has collapsed again. So I go back to the hospital and the surgeron tells me that this is just a fluke and that it will never happen again. This time, I make them put me to sleep and they put in another chest tube and send me home after a few days. Three weeks later I start to have chest pains again and this time my left lung has collapsed. At this point my surgeron/doctors are starting to wonder if something else is going on but they still decide that I should only have a chest tube again and no other treatment. So once again they put a chest tube in and keep my in the hospital for a few days. Finally, they send me home to recover but are worried that my lungs might collapse again since my lungs have collapsed 4 times within the last 2 months.

I'm at home and three weeks go by and the dreaded chest pains come back and I once again go back to the hospital. And surprise the doctors are like aww noooo, this can't be happening. At this point the doctors and surgerons and really concered because my lungs are still collapsing depite their efforts to fix my lungs. So they decide that a different treatment is needed and that the treatment is to do another chest tube but with talc as well. They begin by putting the chest tube in and once the chest tube has been in for a few hours, they come back and pour this talc liquid down your chest tube and into your chest cavity that surrounds the lung. This process is really painful because you are already in a lot of pain from the chest tube itself and now they are pouring liquid talc down the chest tube which inflames the chest wall and lung to the point where they become really sticky. At the same time you feel like you are drowning because of all the pressure from the liquid that they are pouring down the tube. Now that your lung has become inflamed and sticky, the lung should stick to the chest wall for good. After a week and half in the hospital, they send me home to recover.

Anyway, so through out the next four years, my lungs continue to collapse and no matter what they do, nothing seems to be working. By now, it's really starting to affect me and I start to come up with different plans on how I could kill myself. One plan was to overdose on medication and another plan was to jump off something. I decided to overdose on pain medication, however, my parents found me and rushed me to the hospital and they were able to counter the overdose with some type of medication. So they decide to keep me in the hospital for two weeks so their staff can talk to me and to try and help. So now I'm 18 and they recommend that i go see a therapist and a depression doctor who can put me on depression pills. So after a while we find both doctors and they start to treat me but the therapist doesn't go well and the pills they have me on don't seem to be working. At this point it's just a waiting game while they try and figure out which medication would work best for me.

Finally at some point, my dad gets another new job in Wisconsin and he moves to Wisconsin. Three weeks before the whole family is set to move to Wisconsin, my lung collapses again and this time, they want to do major lung surgery. This surgery is pretty major and the way they do this surgery is to make 4 cuts, 2 on your back and two on the side of your ribs/chest area. These cuts are about an inch to 3 inches long and an inch wide. They then stick a small camera into the chest wall/chest cavity and start the surgery. The next step for the surgeron is to use a tool through one of the cuts they made on your body and to use the tool to sand paper your plural lining off your chest wall. This process causes a lot of bleeding and makes your chest wall really raw and painful. The next step the surgeron does, is that he cuts part of my lung off because the part he cuts off is full of tiny blebs that can cause air pockets to form. This is what causes a person to have a lung collapse. Once a air pocket forms and breaks, it leaks air into the chest cavity and pushes the lung down. So this whole process is really painful but the idea behind sand papering the plurial lining off is to force the lung to get stuck to my chest wall for good. So I'm in the hospital for two weeks and then I go home to recover and then we finally move to Wisconsin to be with my dad.

Anyway, at this point in my life, I'm just really fed up with how things have been going for me. For the last 4 years, I have been seriously depressed and i have had countless medical issues with my lungs and things don't seem to be getting better. So I finally settle in Wisconsin with my parents and I decide that I should give high school another try and to try and finish my high school education. I finally go back to high school and things seem to be going okay so far but then the bullying starts again and I'm like, I'm just not going to put up with this again and I decide to talk to the staff about it.

They were really helpful and understanding and they decided that the best option for me would be to do a GED program with the high school. However, you would still graduate as if you were in 12th grade. So that's what I end up doing and that way, I'm able to finish high school without the bullying because you could do the GED at home even though it was with the high school. The whole GED thing was going really well and it was self pace and I was finally starting to feel happy for once.

Anyway, shortly after moving to Wisconsin, I start to feel a lot of pain in my chest again and I'm freaking out because it's really painful this time. So I go for an x-ray and everything comes back normal. At this point everyone is really confused as to why I am having so much pain in my chest. So the local doctor sends me to see a lung doctor and what the lung doctor tells me breaks me into tears. The doctor goes over my lung history and he notices that the surgeron I had in MA for all my past lung collapses/lung surgeries made a very serious error in judgement. The lung doctor is telling me that the surgeron in MA decided to go through the same spot for all of the chest tubes on the right side of my chest. Now, some of you may think so what? What's the big deal of going through the same spot? The deal is that because i had over 12+ lung collapses within such a short period of time, the nerves, muscles and everything else never got a chance to fully heal. So as a result, the surgeron kept destroying the same nerves and damaging the same muscles from going through the same spot over and over again. So each time he went through with a new chest tube, he would do further damage to the nerves and muscles. After going through through the same area 5 to 7 times within the last few years, all of the nerves in that area got completely destroyed and now the nerves are firing pain signals out like crazy as in it's saying that the chest is in pain. So the lung doctor tells me that I now have chronic pain and that I need to go see a pain management doctor right away.

So I'm suffering with terrible pain and I'm finally able to see a pain management doctor. They tell me that because of the damage to the nervous and how bad it is that it's highly likely that I will need to be on pain killers for the rest of my life... He also tells me that doing anything physical will inrease your pain and that you will need to take something even stronger if you wish to do anything physical. So it sucks and I swear things only seem to be getting worse and worse for me.

So about a year later, I finally go snowboarding for a change, and my pain is being controlled better by medication. So as I'm about to go snowboarding, my lung collapses ( the left one this time ). So my snowboard trip is completely ruined ( I'm 18 and almost 19 at the time this happened. So my parents fly me home and then we drive to the mayo clinic in rochester MI. So I see the doctors there and they decide to do another major lung surgery. This time it's on the left side and it's the same surgery I had on the right side with the camera and tools and everything. So I finally have this surgery done and this is when things get bad.

What I mean, is this, so after my surgery they wheel me out and I'm recovering from the surgery. However, after a major surgery like that, you are unable to pee because of all the drugs they give you for the surgery. Ugh, i fucking hate myself, I blame myself for all my problems and everything. So anyway, this is where they have catheter doctors who go around every 6 hours to change someones pee catheter so you don't get an infection and to see if you can go too the bathroom on your own. Well, one of the catheter doctors, decided to take advantage of my situation. I had just come out of surgery, was in a ton of pain and he decides to molest me after pulling the tube out of me Ugh, i wanna die so bad because of that. I blame myself for what he did So he starts to touch me and tries to masturbate me for a few minutes and then he stops and puts the catheter back in and does it again. I really wish I could of stopped him or called for help but I was just in so much pain from coming out of surgery and ugh. And to have a doctor do this to me is really affecting me

I also never reported it to the police or the hospital because I am so embarassed and ashamed of myself. And I only told my therapist about it in April of 2010 and then my parents later on. This was a full year after it happened to me in January of 2009. And ever since it happened, it has been really bothering me a lot. I seriously can't take it anymore. I have nightmares about it almost nightly, the nightmares are so real and it's as if I'm reliving the whole experience over again I also tried to commit suicide again in late April of 2010 because of it. And I almost died because of it. I'm just so fed up with life. My life has been such a mess. I honestly don't understand why so many bad things have happened to me, I really don't. I really want to give up because I'm tired of trying, nothing seems to work. I have been on countless antidepressants and none of them ever seem to work. I have no friends in real life, my life just feels like a waste and that it only continues to bring suffering to me. I honestly don't know what to do anymore, I feel so helpless I'm just tired of being alone and suffering and trying to act like everything is okay for people because it's really not. I'm dying inside and each day that passes by, I die a bit more and I don't know how much more I can take.

Any help would be much appreciated, even if it's just talking through messages or anything. Idk, I'm sorry for complaing and writing a HUGE long post.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Name: Madeleine Claire
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Re: I honestly feel like giving up... I'm tired of everything and feel so alone. - July 6th 2011, 02:02 PM

Hi Jon, don't worry about the long post, sometimes you just have to get the full story out, I totally understand.

I'm sorry for everything that you've had to go through. I can't say that I know what it's like to be bullied or to have to move around so much, but everyone's experiences are different. I've had friends who's lungs have collapsed and I know hearing from them that it was terrifying and I'm so sorry that you had to go through that so many times.

Sometimes, you just have to deal with what life gives you. You've done a really good job so far, I mean you've made it this far, right?

As for the situation with the doctor, I am SO sorry. No one should have to go through that. Just know that it is not in any way your fault. He did something that he had no right to do, and I'm sure if you went to the police they could still do something about it. It would help you so much to be able to get justice for yourself and for others that this could be happening to.

I'm sorry that you felt like the only way out was suicide, but even with your limited lung function, life is still full of so much possibility. You can still do so much. If you're feeling that down and alone, just try finding people to hang out with. You can go do things on your own that make you happy! When I feel really down I'll go for a walk, or go somewhere that has a good memory for me.

I know what it's like to have to rotate medications all the time, I've been on two different medications for anxiety and depression and even that sucked.

There's nothing wrong with needing to get a problem out so don't even worry about the long post, I hope that I can help in any way.

  (#3 (permalink)) Old
eigor Offline
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Name: Jon
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Location: Wisconsin

Posts: 2
Join Date: July 6th 2011

Re: I honestly feel like giving up... I'm tired of everything and feel so alone. - July 8th 2011, 06:06 AM

Hi Maddie, I just wanted to say thanks for the support and for taking the time to read my long post. I really do appreciate it but I honestly don't think I can go on for much longer.

I realize that life isn't always fair and that some people like myself have been dealt a hard life. I know I have made it this far but at what cost? I honestly don't think people realize that life for some of us who have been through terrible things is a living nightmare. My life is a nightmare and it's a struggle to continue going on each day. I wake up every day hoping that things will be better and that maybe today is the day that my life changes for the better. And you know, I'm always disappointed that things continue to go down hill. You know what, I have made it this far and yes I have been fighting every single day for the last 8 years to stay alive and to hope that some day I'll be happy. But at the end of the day, you are reminded that things are still the same and that things only seem to get worse.

I know I'm being negative right now but please understand that I have been struggling with not wanting to end my life for years. I know ending one's life is a sad thing and that usually the person thinks that there is no way out. But you know, it's really starting to sound true and I know it's sad but one can only take so much before they finally give up. I'm surprised that I have lasted for 8 years and I'm sure there are others out there who would of killed themselves by now. I guess, I'm just really tired of fighting, I really am and it sucks.

Do I honestly want to kill myself? The answer is no but at the same time, do I honestly want to continue living an unhappy, sad, a lonely life where I feel so alone that no one cares about me? The answer is no I do not. I am just so frustrated beyond anything, I'm so tired of fighting, I'm exhausted! Sometimes, suicide feels like the only option out of my life =/

I know what the doctor did was so wrong and that he had no right to molest me *cries*. It sucks and I am so angry at that doctor, I really am. I feel like he degraded me, that I'm not the same person that I once was. Why do people do these things, do they honestly not understand the profound effects that they cause the person when they molest, rape or hurt the person they are doing these things to. Why did it have to happen to me.... Why me, what did I do to deserve it =/ I have nightmares almost every night and the worst part about it is when I'm awake and out of no where, a flash back will begin to play through my eyes as if it's really happening right there and then

I'm hurting so much, I feel so ashamed, so dirty, so gross with myself. I feel like no one will ever like me because of what this one doctor did to me.

I have thought about going to the police but would they even believe me. After all, I was in the hospital when this happens and these things do not happen in a safe place like a hospital... Why would they believe me What is stopping the doctor from saying that I must of been seeing things from being on all of the drugs I was on while resting from the 8 hour surgery I had. I know what happened to me and I know I was not seeing things. It makes me so angry and upset to think about the what if's if I come forward.

I know I was molested and I remember it all to well. I wish I could forget it but I can't and it's slowly but surely destroying my life I wish I could get help and to prevent this evil person from doing it again but I'm scared that no one will believe me.

This is so painful to talk about It was the year 2009 and I had gone to the hospital on January 22 for my surgery ( my birthday is January 24 ) and it makes everything so much worse. I'm glad I got a fucking wonderful birthday gift... ugh, So I was brought to the hospital on the 22 of January and they wheeled me in for a major lung surgery. The surgery itself went well at first and the surgery lasted for about 8 hours. After my surgery, they wheeled me into the ICU room and I stayed there for about 12 hours so I could get stable from the long surgery. After I was stable, they moved me to the regular room to recover and I stayed in this room for 3 days.

As with any surgery, you have a catheter in your penis so you can go to the bathroom. You are unable to go pee while your body is loaded up with drugs, pain medication, blood thinners, and a lot of other medications. So I'm resting in the room with chest tubes coming out of my chest and everything and the nurses would come in to check me and everything and things seem to be going okay. While this is going on, I was having x-rays taken every 12 hours to see if my lungs were healing and to see if the lung collapses were getting smaller. So after 2 days, the doctors came in and told me that there was a lot of blood in my lungs and that the chest tubes were not working as designed. What do I mean by this? I'll explain,

When you have a lung collapse, air leaks into the chest cavity and pushes down on the lung. There are many causes for a lung collapse but the main cause for my lung collapses were tiny air pockets that would form on the lung itself. Your lung is not supposed to have air pockets on the outside of the lung. So as time goes on these air pockets grow and become weak, they reach a point where the pressure from the air is to great and pop. Once they pop, air begins to leak into the lung and slowly air beings to build into the chest cavity. As a result, the air starts to push down on the lungs and your lungs begin to get smaller and smaller. As time goes on the pain increases and you have a hard time breathing. So that's how a lung collapse works.

Anyway, to fix a lung collapse they will insert a tube through your ribs and down into the chest cavity. So they will cut the muscles between the the ribs and down to your chest wall. However, once they reach the chest wall, they can not cut that with a blade. It's too deep and there is no point in opening the whole chest so they can cut it with a blade. So instead, they will guide the chest tube through the cut they made between the ribs and as soon as they hit the chest wall, they will pull the chest tube up and stab you with the chest tube. I'm seriously not joking, they seriously stab you with the chest tube so it breaks through the chest wall. It's a really painful process and I would make sure they put you to sleep if you ever need one.

So once they chest tube is in the chest cavity, it beings to suck the blood, air and anything else that is in the chest wall. By sucking all of this out, the lung beings to re-expand and fills the chest cavity again. However, this process was not working for me because my blood was clotting in the chest cavity as therefore not being sucked out of the chest. So as the 2 days went by, the blood began to pool at the bottom of my chest cavity.
So they decided that I needed to have the whole surgery done again and they rushed me in for surgery.

I know this was kind of off-topic but I thought I would explain the whole process in detail. Getting back to what happened,

So they redo the whole surgery and take out the old chest tube. They put a camera in there and they clean out my chest cavity. They were able to get rid of all the blood that was inside and they then put a new chest tube in. So after a long surgery, they wheeled me back to the ICU for 6 hours. After 6 hours they moved me back to my regular room. So at this point, I had been in the hospital for about 3 and half days. So I'm not recovering again and this time, the chest is finally starting to re-expand and the blood and air are getting sucked out of the chest cavity. So things are going pretty well and this is where the nightmare beings.

So after a day and half, the doctors come in and explain to me that they really need me to be able to go to the bathroom on my own. They explained that the catheter has been in for too long and that they will be having a catheter doctor come in every six hours to pull the catheter out of my penis and then the catheter doctor will give me 5-10 minutes to see if I can pee in the jug. I said okay and over the next day or so, a catheter doctor would show up and he would remove the tube to see if I could go to the bathroom on my own. However, after the first two times of this process, I was unable to go so the catheter doctor put a new tube in me.

Anyway, this is where things went back. The catheter doctors that come in were always someone different because it was a huge hospital and they probably had a team of 40 catheter doctors on each shift. So this one doctor comes in and he is about mid 40s At first, everything seems fine and he comes in and says hi and asks me how I am doing. I tell him that I'm in pain and that I'm not okay. So he wheels his cart to the side of my bed and asks me to remove the bed cover from my legs. So I remove it so he can see that I have my hospital gown on so he asks me to remove it. At this point he begins to put the the new catheter down on my bed and begins to get the other things needed for a catheter. At this point, I notice that he is not wearing any gloves and this is something that I had no seen before... Every single catheter doctor I saw, had always put gloves on. But at the time, I was in pain and laying back in my bed while he got ready. So he lifts the gown off my upper thighs and then reaches down and grabs my penis with his bare hands At this point I'm a bit freaked out because he has no gloves on but I let him continue and he slowly pulls the catheter out and throws it away.

I'm sorry I'm just upset right now, it's really hard to talk about So after he pulls it out, he goes back to touching my penis and wraps his fingers around it and I ask him what he is doing. He tells me that I need to clean your penis This is something different than what the other catheter doctors did, so he begins to stroke my penis *cries* and he the grabs a warm cloth with his other hand and starts to clean my penis. At this point I'm freaking out inside and I'm like freezing up. Ugh, I also don't say anything, it's as if I froze up completely and it felt as if I couldn't talk. So he continues to stroke me with his left hand and begins to slowly wash the top part of my penis with a warm cloth. It felt as if time had completely stopped because he was doing this for at least 5 minutes He really took his time stroking me and cleaning my penis and then he said he was done and that I need to try and go to the bathroom.

So he helps me out of bed because I can't get out of bed on my own with the chest tubes coming out of my chest. He wraps his arm around my back and has his hand on my stomach and he begins to move his right hand over my stomach while leading me to the bathroom. I'm in the bathroom with him and I don't know how long I was in the bathroom but it felt like it was forever.

I'm in the bathroom with him and I'm trying my best to pee but I can not pee. I'm starting to get upset because I can't pee and I want the whole process to be over. I want to be left alone He then tells me that sometimes people can't go to the bathroom while being flaccid and that it would help a lot if I wasn't flaccid. =/ At this point, I'm scared and confused and frozen and I don't answer him back. He then grabs me penis with his fingers and beings to fondle me. He continues to fondle me for the next few minutes and stops and asks me to try peeing in the jug. I'm starting to shake as I try to force myself to go. I'm talking to myself inside my head, begging myself to be able to go. I want it to stop, I want to be left alone I tell him that I can't go and at this point, he is getting frustrated because I'm still flaccid and I'm not getting hard. I swear I had been in the bathroom for hours When in fact I had only been in the bathroom for a few minutes.

Ugh, I'm so fucking upset and mad that I did not stop this. What the fuck is wrong with me I should fucking kill myself right now. Ugh, I fucking hate myself. Why did I not even say anything? Why did I let him do this to me? Whats wrong with me, I can't take this anymore

This is the worst part of it all, I'm in the bathroom with him and at this point he has been trying to get me hard for the last 3-5 minutes and nothing is happening. Hell, what do you expect when you are in the hospital in a lot of pain, have just had major lung surgery and are suffering a lot.

At this point I'm starting to get really upset and he is still trying to masturbate me and is still stroking me back and forward. I'm starting to cry and he tells me that I need to stop and reaches up and wipes away my tears. He turns on the sink while stroking me *Sigh* I really hate myself, seriously what did I do to deserve this, what have I ever done to deserve any of this =/. He then gets down on his knees and tells me that he will come back and hurt me if I tell anyone and ugh ((( he leans forward and takes my penis in his mouth. I feel so degraded, so disgusted with myself. what is wrong with me? I'm a freak!

He then proceeds with sucking my penis =/ Ugh, I remember everything in so much detail =/ I'll never forget his eyes, they haunt me to this day Help me, please. I can't take it anymore. He uses his tongue around my penis head and his eyes are looking right at me. He is starring into my eyes =/ ugh, I'm so upset. I remember him looking at me while he is sucking on my penis. I'm starting to get hard as this is going on and I'm freaking out inside, I'm all alone in the bathroom with him, i felt as if there was nothing I could do. I couldn't speak or say anything as he was doing this to me. His eyes... He was smiling as he was sucking on me, ugh. His hand was wrapped around the base of my penis and going up and down as he continued to move his tongue around the head of my penis =/ I started to cry and shake and he took his mouth off my penis and told me to stop crying and went back to my penis. I couldn't stop crying, I had lost it and the tears were rolling down my face.

I feel so sick, as I was crying, he begins to smile and begins to stroke the base of my penis faster and he is working the top half of my penis in his mouth and after a minute or so and as much as I hate to admit this, I cum in his mouth =/ He continues to keep my penis in his mouth and begins to clean my penis. He takes me back to my bed and walks over to his cart and grabs a new catheter, this cloth and some other things and begins to get the catheter ready, he then walks out of the rooms and comes back after a few minutes and proceeds to put the catheter in as if nothing happened. He then looks at me and tells me thank you and leaves =/

Ugh, I'm so fucking disgusted by everything. What the fuck is wrong with me, why did I let this happen? Please, help me, I really want to give up. I can't take it anymore. I still live with the pain of this experience *crying* I'm so upset, so disappointed in myself, whats wrong with me =/ Why did this have to happen to me, am I really that bad of a person that i deserve this? Thank you for ruining my life.

I am just really confused and I honestly do not know what to do. I feel like dying and I have been suffering for the last 2 years because of this and it's not even my only issue. Why do I have so many things wrong with me, my health issues, my abuse issues, my bullying issues, my hearing loss. I feel so alone, does anyone even like me? I have no friends at all and I don't think I'll ever make any friends. This world has left me so scarred that I don't think I can ever get better. Maybe death is really the best option, at least my problems would be over then.

I know I have a lot of issues and I'm really hurting inside right now and I don't know what to do. Is anyone willing to be a friend and help me? I am really alone and I just need someone to talk to. I don't mind who it is, I really need someone to talk to and to relate to. I feel so hopeless and that no one cares at all. I would be really thankful if anyone is willing to talk to me, if it's on aim, msn, yahoo, email, private messages or even text messages, please reply to me. I need to feel that I'm not the only one in the world that is dealing with problems and that there is a brighter side to life than this.


  (#4 (permalink)) Old
bailatyvm Offline
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Re: I honestly feel like giving up... I'm tired of everything and feel so alone. - July 8th 2011, 09:00 PM

Oh my gosh Jon; I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that people are so utterly rude and uncaring. Just because you hear differently doesn't make you any worse than people who hear in a 'normal' way. And that doctor definitely had NO right to do that. You were not in a state where you could defend yourself, and he knew that. DO NOT blame yourself. You feel free to pm me anytime you need to talk, okay? I promise to listen and do my best to uplift you/help.

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Re: I honestly feel like giving up... I'm tired of everything and feel so alone. - July 10th 2011, 04:15 PM

Dear Jon,

I'm really sorry to hear what has happened to you. You are a survivor and I don't know many as strong as you. Don't feel guilty for what happened between you and that "doctor". You did not ask for that to happen and it is not your fault. You were in a compromised position and you were taken advantage of. You did nothing wrong. I know you feel violated, but I'm sure one day you'll be able to give yourself sexually to someone you love on your own terms. Don't give up hope on life completely. I hope things improve for you.
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I honestly feel like giving up... I'm tired of everything and feel so alone. - July 13th 2011, 06:16 AM

Hey Jon

First of all, welcome to the site.

I am VERY sorry that this has happened to you. It's not right at all. None of it is. Nobody deserves to go through what you have gone through. Suffice it to say, I'm no professional--none of us are, but I promise you that no matter what, you are NEVER truly alone. I'm willing to be a friend if you want. PM me any time. I'll be happy to help in any way I can.

You can always contact me to talk about anything!
Proud to be myself.

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last updated on 11/11/17
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