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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Ella.x Offline
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I'm not ready - July 6th 2011, 08:12 PM

I'm so scared of getting better. I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. I want so badly to be normal. I want to be happy, I want to be able to control my anxiety, I want my mood swings and irrational thoughts to stop, I want to feel as though I don't have to hurt myself anymore. I don't want to be suicidal. I want to love life.

I told my care co-ordinator today that I'm scared of getting better and I don't know how to because I've always been like this. She said it was okay to not feel ready, but I don't understand how it can be okay. I feel like a complete freak for not wanting to get better, of being scared of being happy. I'm terrified, but I don't know what to do.

How can I make myself ready to change? I don't get it. I don't feel like I'm ever going to be ready for this and if that's the case then I want to die and I want to die now. I can't stand another second of feeling this bad, but I'm not ready to change. WTF? I came off my antidepressants for 2 weeks, and narrowly missed being taken into hospital for my own safety today. I will be going back on some different antidepressants tomorrow when I can get to my doctors to pick up the prescription. I know I need help, but I'm so scared that if I really try and then fail, I'll end up 10 times worse than I am now. I can barely cope as it is. What the hell is wrong with me?
   
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Re: I'm not ready - July 7th 2011, 05:28 AM

nothing's wrong with you, things just aren't going so well. the fact that you haven't given up proves how strong you are. Keep pushing, darling, keep pushing.


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Re: I'm not ready - July 7th 2011, 07:57 AM

Hey, you're not a freak! This is all you can remember knowing and feeling and living. I know that I get so used to putting up walls and masks that when they do come down and I actually feel, it's scary. And it hurts. That's why I avoid it as much as possible. Because I'm scared of leaving behind the numbness that I've felt for so long. I know I feel like I'm not ready yet. But you'll get better someday--maybe not today, or even tomorrow, but it'll happen. You just have to keep striving toward the someday...I guess that's all any of us can do. But it'll happen, and you'll be happy without having to feel scared. I'm praying for you!
   
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Re: I'm not ready - July 8th 2011, 09:10 AM

I can't even leave my flat to go and get my new antidepressants. This is too bad. I cannot look after myself anymore. I didn't go to work yesterday. I just can't get out of bed. I'm barely eating. I haven't showered. I'm a complete mess. All I can think about is suicide. I desperately need to get better, but I physically cannot even get out of bed to help myself. I'm losing everything. It's not okay for me to not be ready. I need to be ready, I just don't know how. I need to die. I can't handle this.
   
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Re: I'm not ready - July 8th 2011, 04:48 PM

I just went and got my antidepressants and they gave me whole month of them. Guess what's on my mind right now? Do I take them? Or do I hoarde them and save them for a "rainy day"? I'm supposed to have a job interview on monday. I don't know how I'm going to convince them that I'm normal and stable enough to do the job. I want to slit my throat.
   
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