TeenHelp
Support Forums Today's Posts

Get Advice Connect with TeenHelp Resources
HelpLINK Facebook     Twitter     Tumblr     Instagram    Hotlines    Safety Zone    Alternatives


You are not registered or have not logged in

Hello guest! (Not a guest? Log in above!)

As a guest on TeenHelp you are only able to use some of our site's features. By registering an account you will be able to enjoy unlimited access to our site, and will be able to:

  • Connect with thousands of teenagers worldwide by actively taking part in our Support Forums and Chat Room.
  • Find others with similar interests in our Social Groups.
  • Express yourself through our Blogs, Picture Albums and User Profiles.
  • And much much more!

Signing up is free, anonymous and will only take a few moments, so click here to register now!


Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Lone Wolf Offline
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
Lone Wolf's Avatar
 
Name: Gemma
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Location: Scotland

Posts: 45
Join Date: May 15th 2010

Don't want to live - July 8th 2011, 01:11 AM

To cut a long story short, I just want to die, really. If you want to read what I've written go ahead, I don't really care anymore. I usually wouldn't tell anyone this kind of stuff, but I don't plan on being around much longer anyway.

I see no point in living. I've been going through this "episode" of severe depression for over 10 months now, and it shows no signs of going away any time soon. Back when I used to get episodes that only lasted a few weeks, I'd tell myself that it would all be over soon, that I'd be happy and that I'd see a point in living soon. But now I don't even know if this is depression, I think it's just the way I am, the way the world is. I can't even remember the last time I felt like I had a real purpose or that I could look forward to the future, I think it was years ago now.

I think about suicide loads of times everyday. I tried to OD back in March, but all I could think about was one of my family members finding me - I couldn't do that to them. I think they're the only reason I've made it this far, if it wasn't for the guilt of how it would affect them, I'd have killed myself at 14, without a doubt. Although why I even care about them, I don't know - they never give a fuck about me. They're too wrapped up in their own worlds of work. My dad is always telling me how I need to get a grip, and I need to stop being so selfish and think about him and what he's going through with work. I don't even talk to any of them anymore. I just spend as much time as I can in my room doing pretty much fuck all while they're all downstairs having a laugh. I just feel they don't understand me at all - I don't think they even know I'm depressed, they just think I'm a boring/ generally pessimistic person who needs to lighten up. My dad moans at me even more when I stay in my room - he tells me I need to be more bright, bubbly and social like my sisters, or he gives the typical "No wonder you don't have any friends if you're so antisocial" thing. I know that I shouldn't isolate myself so much, but what's the point in talking to any of them when I'd either have to put all my effort into pretending that I'm fine, or they'd lecture me about being so down. I just don't think they understand me one bit. I don't even know them anymore, and they haven't known me since I was about 12 years old. I considered telling them about the extent of my unhappiness once, about the self harm and suicidal thoughts, but they'd never understand it in a million years. My dad and my brother make jokes about self harm all the time, and every time they do, it gets me a little more. My brother even makes self harming gestures and calls me emo because of the music I listen to (little does he know it's one of the few things that gives me the strength to make it through another day). I started a summer school thing lately (it's like preparation for uni), and all I hear all day is people joking about depression and suicide. I tell myself: "Sure, I can take a joke, an offensive joke", but there's only so many times you can pretend to laugh it off before it really starts to get to you.

I haven't had any proper friends IRL for 2 years now, though I think that perhaps I never had a real friend. All the people I've ever let get close to me have ended up hurting me in some way. They pretty much pretend to be my friend for a few weeks, then boss me about and insult me for as long as they can get away with, because they know that they're all that I've got and I have no self esteem. High school was hell for me, and I was bullied almost every day. One particular memory stands out, of being called fat and ugly, and being thrown against the walls and to the floor by a group of about 12 boys in one of the social areas, while other people (including a member of senior staff) watched and did nothing to help. I found it especially hard because I have social anxiety disorder. I spent almost every lunch time in the library or in a stinking toilet cubicle for fear of being bullied if I wandered around, as I was an easy target on my own. I got so many bruises and red marks from being thrown against things or having things thrown at me. I had people calling me "fat", "ugly", "man", "creep", "cunt" on a daily basis. I had money and personal belongings stolen from me. I had boys touch me in places I did not like to be touched. I lived in fear of what might happen to me every break and lunch time.

I used to have a fairly close relationship with my mum, but now I can't talk to her at all. I've been wanting to open up to her a bit for the last 3 years, but something always seems to come up. I think even now, she's still recovering from the split with my dad, and work is getting her really stressed out and in a seemingly permanent bad mood lately. I kind of worry about her mental state, I wish I could do something to help her, but I can't even help myself, let alone another person. It almost feels like they don't love me anymore, I haven't felt loved by anyone in so long. It just feels like they don't give a shit about how unhappy I am, that they want me to suffer. I kind of blame myself for my mum and dad splitting up in the first place. I used to overhear them fight (unknown to them), and I'd hate my dad for yelling at my mum and making her cry, telling her that she was too "soft" with us. I'd cry myself to sleep after so many nights of hearing them fight, or I would hardly sleep at all. I remember round about the same time, my dad started to take his anger out on me. I'm not entirely sure why, but mostly, I think it was for 2 reasons, the first being that he knew I was an easy target due to years of being bullied, and that my self esteem was extremely low, so I'd believe anything he said. The second reason is that every time I heard them fight, and my dad making my mum cry, I think my hatred for him grew a little more, and perhaps this was reflected in my behaviour towards him at the time. I kind of felt unwilling to listen to him, knowing that he was making my mum feel so bad. Every time I didn't do as he told me, he'd beat me up, leaving marks on my skin. I've never been a rebellious teenager, but I just wanted him to treat me and my siblings with respect rather than shout at us, so I got into telling him that I'd do things when he asked me nicely, rather than screaming at me. One such time, when he was in a bad mood, and swore at me to do something, I told him I wouldn't do it until he asked me without swearing or screaming at me. He exploded. He kicked the chair I was sitting on so hard he made a huge hole in it, grabbed me and threw me to the ground. He started kicking and beating me up, with me crying and begging him to stop. I managed to get up and run to my room, standing behind the door so he couldn't get in, but he tore the thing off it's hinges and hit me even harder. I remember feeling terrified off him, like he could really hurt me. The marks he left didn't go away for about a week. Sometimes he'd deliberately start arguments just to upset me, calling me fat, or saying that I don't have any friends because of how selfish I am. I remember another time on holiday when he started a fight with me, which escalated once more into him hitting me. I literally ran away from him, with him chasing after me at full speed, and hiding in the toilets, because I knew what he'd do to me if he caught me. I had a panic attack and almost threw up in the toilet, because I was so afraid that he'd find me.

I've been suicidal on and off since I was 14 years old. Depression crept up on me slowly, I think it first started when I was 13, but I didn't realise how much of a problem it was until I had my first full blown suicidal episode at 14. I started having panic attacks at 14 due to my social anxiety and being bullied, and I had them ever since. I remember people in my classes at school calling me weird and picking on my even more because they noticed some of the symptoms, such as the shaking and the blushing. I managed to finally write to my guidance teacher at school to seek help about 2 months after my 15th birthday. They referred me to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service). I've been seeing a psychiatrist there pretty much since then, but in those two years my mental health has only deteriorated to the state that it's in now. All she has done in the time I've been seeing her is put me on antidepressants (which have only made me about 10 times worse) and refer me to a group of professionals who diagnose autism in people, because she thinks I might have it, despite me telling her that my difficulties in social communication are due to anxiety. This group actually diagnosed me with autism, although both I and my parents want a second opinion, as I was literally treated like a 5 year old child, and the whole experience weirded me out so much. We are also questioning the professionalism of one of the people involved (he twisted a lot of the information about my past to suit an autism diagnosis, even including things my parents hadn't said, and even got simple information such as the medication I was on, and my name wrong, on a couple of occassions. I don't really even know why I'm still going to CAMHS. All they've done is made me feel worse, with the guy I mentioned telling me that I don't have friends because everyone hates me and don't like being around me. My psychiatrist wants to put me on medication again, they practically force the stuff on me (I was once told that if I didn't take the medication, there was nothing more they could do for me).

Fast - forward to now. I feel miserable constantly. The only respite I have from this is in music, and in what little sleep I get. I often want to cry at nights, when no one else can see me, but I feel so shit can't even do that anymore. I feel so desperately alone, I long for someone who understands me and who I could talk honestly with, rather than having to be so fake all the time, like nothing is wrong. So many nights, I'd give anything for someone to just hold me, when I can't sleep and all I can remember is all the bad things that ever happened to me. I haven't self harmed in about 7 weeks, but I'd be doing it right now worse than ever if we weren't doing on holiday soon (my parents would almost definitely see my arms and find out). Nothing feels worthwhile anymore, life seems meaningless, and the future seems so bleak. I will never have friends, or I boyfriend. I will die alone and miserable. I seriously didn't think I would make it out of highschool, so now I don't know what to do. I have no ambition or drive left anymore. I feel like I was meant to kill myself back in March, when I had the chance. I still have the pills. There are certainly enough to provide a fatal doseage, especially if mixed with other things. That's my main plan, but I'm constantly thinking of other ways I could do it. I'm constantly looking at buildings wondering whether or not they are high enough to provide a fatal drop. I spend all my time on my own, I don't even talk to my family now, except from when I absolutely have to. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell them about the suicidal stuff or the self harm. Like I've said, they wouldn't understand, and my dad would think I was doing it for attention (he seems to think I do everything for attention, including hardly coming out of my room). I can't remember the last time I have an honest conversation with someone, I just isolate myself so much that I hardly even speak. I'm trying to break connections with as many people who were previously close to me as I can, in the lead up to this. I've learned that people are ignorant, judgemental, and don't understand. I've learned that people are cruel, and life is shit. I often wonder if other people really are happy and see a purpose in life, or if they're just better at bullshitting their way through things than I am. One of the things I hate most is lying, especially to myself, but I've had to do so much of that lately. I dunno why I came on here. Maybe just to write this all down before I finally do the deed. Some people might tell me to "hang in there" or that things will get better. Will they fuck. Ya know, I used to tell myself that, but things never did. They only got worse. I see not point in living when I have nothing to live for. Not even the thought of my family finding me puts me off anymore, they'd don't give a fuck about me. This world will be better off without me.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Neon Offline
<3
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
Neon's Avatar
 
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Location: Canada

Posts: 38
Join Date: April 29th 2011

Re: Don't want to live - July 8th 2011, 02:26 AM

Hi. Your post hit extremely, and unusually close to home. I PM'd you.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
BeautifulGame Offline
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
BeautifulGame's Avatar
 
Name: Eddy
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Location: Home

Posts: 46
Blog Entries: 1
Join Date: February 9th 2009

Re: Don't want to live - July 8th 2011, 04:31 AM



I didnt know any of those things im so so sorry Gemma how I wish I knew :’(
Gosh there is so many things I would like to say. I can feel everything you wrote, what happened to you when you were younger was tragic to say the least. And it is absolutely crap that your dad treated you like that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And a big serious F.U to those boys who did that too you. I would hardly consider them human beings > If anyone does anything remotely like that to you EVER again, you should go to authority!

But hey Gemma, I think things can still be worked out. There are soo many things in this world Gemma, so so many things, and so many good things, that you haven’t seen. Please stay here, don’t go, so much is left for you to see, so many things you can enjoy, people to meet who will care about you. Trust me these things can come to fruition and I am not just saying it, it’s the truth, trust me I know! And I know you haven’t had much of the good stuff in your life, but you can still make it, you can still have a better future, you can still make a better future.

I promise you, the whole world isn’t like what you have been living like, and I know you can have a nice future.

If I could I would give you the greatest hug ever!
Please talk to me and I have some ideas too that just might help! Please don’t leave


Hi
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Lone Wolf Offline
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
Lone Wolf's Avatar
 
Name: Gemma
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Location: Scotland

Posts: 45
Join Date: May 15th 2010

Re: Don't want to live - July 9th 2011, 02:56 PM

I dunno - maybe I just want things to get better, but I really don't think they ever will. I've felt this way for so long now. Nothing ever seems to change. I have the perfect opportunity to do it today - my family are going out in an about an hour or so, and I'll have the house to myself. I have all the pills, and I'll have access to everything in the liquor cabinet once they've left. It just feels like the right time. Everyone will be better off without me.
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
BeautifulGame Offline
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
BeautifulGame's Avatar
 
Name: Eddy
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Location: Home

Posts: 46
Blog Entries: 1
Join Date: February 9th 2009

Re: Don't want to live - July 9th 2011, 03:15 PM

Im sure your friends would be worse without you
And its not the right time, please dont Gemma please


Hi
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
Lone Wolf Offline
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
Lone Wolf's Avatar
 
Name: Gemma
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Location: Scotland

Posts: 45
Join Date: May 15th 2010

Re: Don't want to live - July 9th 2011, 04:13 PM

I don't have any friends though. And everything I always do ends in failure. There is no point in going on.
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
bayhorse321 Offline
Member
Junior TeenHelper
****
 
bayhorse321's Avatar
 
Name: Shoshana (Shana)
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Location: United States

Posts: 347
Join Date: June 13th 2011

Re: Don't want to live - July 9th 2011, 05:30 PM

<3 Please don't so this. You are worth so much more. There is life beyond this. You have lives so much crap. Life isn't supposed to be that hard dear. You are almost old enough to get out and away from your parents, to start a life of your own. We all honestly care about you. Please Pm me to talk if you need someone to talk with. I would Love to be your friend. Please hang on.
   
  (#8 (permalink)) Old
Lone Wolf Offline
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
Lone Wolf's Avatar
 
Name: Gemma
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Location: Scotland

Posts: 45
Join Date: May 15th 2010

Re: Don't want to live - July 10th 2011, 01:57 AM

Okay, well...... I actually attempted it, but I'm still here. I just hope what I took doesn't do me permanent damage. :/
   
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
NevermindMe Offline
The Straight Edge Sniper
I've been here a while
********
 
NevermindMe's Avatar
 
Gender: Male

Posts: 1,816
Join Date: March 8th 2011

Re: Don't want to live - July 10th 2011, 05:02 AM

Ouch, the part about "Friends" hit the nail for me.

I feel like that alot. I thought I had friends, but they've all moved and became distant. It's been three years, and I wonder if a true friend would just forget about me. However they had no right to touch you inapropriately, but I bet you know that already.

Well, I could get on my high horse and start giving you a lecture about how suicide isn't right, and how it's selfish, but that won't help. Your family is patronizing, you. The people who make jokes about you are patronizing you. You sure as hell don't need me spewing anti suicide slogans from brochures.

But I will tell you this: Do not be a dumbass. As you said you've tried but failed, most failed suicide attempts are a sign that you don't want to die. As long as you have that primal will to survive you can live through a lot.

If you take too many pills you will turn yellow like a lego person and lose your hair. You will kick around a couple years and die from liver diease.

If you try shocking yourself you will lose your arms and live the rest of your life with plastic arms.

If you try jumping you'll be in a wheel chair with twitchy muscles.

If you shoot yourself you will end up slobbering forever.

I mean these are all real problems faced by suicide survivors, and that only makes things worse. You have the will to survive, and therefore you probably won't die. What you need to help, and you need it now.

I know you have some reason for not getting help. "They won't care" or "It'll ruin everything" but seeking therapy or better yet, family therapy. I know they will care, and it might change things, but surviving a sucide attempt will ruin things and change things as well.

You are not beyond help, you are not weak to accepting it. For the sake of your family get assistance through this troubling time. In your case it is certainly needed.

PM me if you need anything.

- Justin



"Buy it, use it, break it, fix it,
Trash it, change it, mail, upgrade it,
Charge it, point it, zoom it, press it,
Snap it, work it, quick, erase it,
Write it, cut it, paste it, save it,
Load it, check it, quick, rewrite it"
Technologic

Last edited by NevermindMe; July 10th 2011 at 05:12 AM.
   
  (#10 (permalink)) Old
Lone Wolf Offline
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
Lone Wolf's Avatar
 
Name: Gemma
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Location: Scotland

Posts: 45
Join Date: May 15th 2010

Re: Don't want to live - July 10th 2011, 12:53 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by JKmadu619 View Post
As you said you've tried but failed, most failed suicide attempts are a sign that you don't want to die. As long as you have that primal will to survive you can live through a lot.
Yeah, I dunno.... When I was about to do it, it was like this wave of realisation suddenly came over me, that maybe I can change things. That each moment is immeasurably precious, and that I only have one life. I still feel pretty crap though - I know this is something that I and only I can truly fix, but I feel unable to do this without a 'support network', which I have never truly had.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JKmadu619 View Post
I know you have some reason for not getting help. "They won't care" or "It'll ruin everything" but seeking therapy or better yet, family therapy. I know they will care, and it might change things, but surviving a sucide attempt will ruin things and change things as well.

You are not beyond help, you are not weak to accepting it. For the sake of your family get assistance through this troubling time. In your case it is certainly needed.
Like I said in my original post, I have tried to get help before, but it seems like every time I do, it doesn't work. I wish I could tell my psych about this, but she would tell my parents about it for sure, and that is NOT a route I want to go down. It would only cause so much more trouble and make me feel so much worse. Many people have tried to help me, but no one ever seems to know how. I dunno...if I can hold on 'til I start uni in September, I can contact Nightline, who are supposed to be pretty helpful. Maybe they could help, or maybe the guidance team at my uni could refer me to someone else. I will be finishing up with CAMHS when I turn 18, so I'll have to look for someone else (hopefully someone a bit more helpful) for counselling or whatever.

By the way, as an aside, you're seriously only 13!? You probably write better than the average 20 year old.
   
  (#11 (permalink)) Old
NevermindMe Offline
The Straight Edge Sniper
I've been here a while
********
 
NevermindMe's Avatar
 
Gender: Male

Posts: 1,816
Join Date: March 8th 2011

Re: Don't want to live - July 10th 2011, 05:18 PM

First, I get what you mean about a support network. And although not as good as a real life one, Teenhelp is a good place to find mentors, friends, and a network of people ready to help.

Secondly, it's good you place a value on life, and that you realize that you have one shot. That means suicide isn't right for you. Anyone with a true will to survive usually will.

Third, I'm happy to hear you have plans to get help. I kknow it's rough, but hold on a while longer. By the time you turn eighteen you parents do not have any right to hear about your problems should you not want them to. So I hope you get help soon, and if they aren't helping, find a new counsellor. There are many types of people with many problems, counsellors are different just like you and your specific issues. Keep searching until you find one who is right for you.

Also, regarding my age: Thank you. The situation I've grown up in has forced me to mature. It's also forced me to be logical and reasonable even when there is no logic or reason to what is going on. In all my posts on this board I'm speaking from experience.

- Justin



"Buy it, use it, break it, fix it,
Trash it, change it, mail, upgrade it,
Charge it, point it, zoom it, press it,
Snap it, work it, quick, erase it,
Write it, cut it, paste it, save it,
Load it, check it, quick, rewrite it"
Technologic
   
Closed Thread

Bookmarks

Tags
live

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




All material copyright 1998-2019, TeenHelp.
Terms | Legal | Privacy | Conduct | Complaints

Powered by vBulletin®.
Copyright ©2000-2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search engine optimization by vBSEO.
Theme developed in association with vBStyles.