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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Neon Offline
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I feel insane. - July 9th 2011, 06:56 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I hate posting here because of the overwhelmingly amount of topics that flood this area. But I really really have no idea where else to go. I literally feel like there is only one way out of all of my problems, like there is only one escape. I have had suicidal thoughts the last few months, but I never considered it as an option, more of a fantasy. These past few days, I don't know anymore. I have too many problems in my life. I can't even begin to fix one of them. Each time I try, the weight of the others drags me back down. I know I have to work hard, and stay strong to turn my life around, but I can't. I have already let my whole life slip through my fingers, and I don't even want to try to pick it back up. I just want to throw the rest down and accept it.

I don't want to fail at it. I don't want to face the embarrassment of my family, or people I know finding out. I want it to be a quick one and done deal. I know what it's like to see people threatening themselves on here, I don't like it anymore than you do. I'll just say I'm very close.

I know depression is simply a 'phase'. It doesn't carry on forever, but it comes in waves. I dread those waves with all my heart. I know they are coming, and I know it's going to be bad, and yet I can't brace for them. It seems the time in between the waves is even worse. It's like the calm before the storm. You know, when people say the fear of things is worse then the actual thing itself? Even when I'm not in my depression, I fear it. Even when I'm 'happy' I truly am not. All I am thinking about is that this moment isn't going to last forever, and I dread the near future. You know as a kid, that feeling you have when you have a really big assignment due the next day and you haven't started? You know it's coming, but you can't force yourself to work on it? It feels like that all the time. I feel crazy. I really do. Do crazy people know they're crazy? I know I need professional help, and yet I refuse to seek it. I am terrified of it. With how scared I am, I would honestly rather die than do it. I would rather die then go through that. If I think like that, is there even any hope for me?

Whenever someone tries to help me, I suffocate them with my problems. I hate myself because of that, it only adds to my self loathing. People say they don't mind, but I know they do. How could they not? Even I'm sick of my complaining, someone experiencing it must feel even worse. I'm expecting them to somehow fix my life. I don't even want to work on fixing it. Building up a meaningful life, it's the hardest thing in the universe. Lately, the only thing that's been keeping me 'up' is the occasional song, or other motivational device I somehow stumble upon. I feel amazing for those few hours, and I curse myself for ever thinking I wanted to die. But it comes back. It always does.

Suicide is selfish? Does it really matter if other people are mourning over me, if I'm not alive to know they are? Ignorance is bliss. Being dead is ignorance to the extreme. Why do I have to live? Because suicide isn't accepted by people? We are animals. Genetically speaking, the strongest have the better lives. The weaker ones struggle to survive. It's clear as day that I am weak. And I don't want to live a life that I have to struggle this much simply to keep. Life isn't that great of thing to work so hard just to purely survive.

I guess I secretly, subconsciously I do want to live, or I wouldn't be posting here hoping that someone can somehow help me. But I don't know where that feeling comes from. Is it just that animal instinct to keep surviving? It's just staying alive, simply to stay alive. That is no reason to live, and I wish I could suppress that.
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bailatyvm Offline
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Re: I feel insane. - July 9th 2011, 07:34 PM

Aw, I'm really sorry. I can tell that you don't want to hear what everyone else usually says to these kinds of posts, but you really should find something to immerse yourself in. music, sports, writing...try to keep the depression waves away, as hard as I know that it is. I know it does come back..but the important thing is to remember that yes, it does go away (as hopeless as it feels to be stuck in those moods). And if you do want to talk to someone, I honestly don't mind and will NEVER mind. Because I'm like that too...I talk to someone about my problems everyday, and the fact that she hasn't given up on me is what inspires me to not give up on other people. Don't end your life. They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results...when I was at the point where I could have written this post, I took that and I went well, I'm not insane. I'm doing the same thing over and over again KNOWING that it's not going to change and being upset about it. But then it just clicked that I really did want change, so I worked at it. It's not always easy, and I usually sink back into my depression when I'm extremely tired, but at least it's different and more manageable. You just have to experiment with what works for you..it takes thousand mistakes to achieve one victory. Good luck

searching for myself...
and hugs. mostly hugs.
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