I feel the lowest I've ever been in years and don't know where to turn -
July 13th 2011, 12:00 AM
Iím 22 years old and I am a college student. I was seeing a girl who I met through a friend. However this friend and this girl both live in New Jersey and I live in Pennsylvania. The girl I started seeing is named Kaitlyn. Even though there was distance, we really became close. The distance did eventually bring us down. We broke up about a month ago but have remained best friends. We ďdatedĒ for 3 months. The distance was getting very hard on her, especially. The breakup was mutual.
Now like I said, Iím in college. I planned on getting all of my classes done over the summer by this August. However, I still need to take one more Spanish course. This did not sit well with my father. We canít see eye to eye on this and he expects me to get a job even when I have to take this class. However, Iím a criminal justice major. I had originally planned on going to the police academy but that will be very hard to do as I need the money for it and it doesnít start until next February. I was thinking about doing security but Iím just very stressed.
What happened over this weekend is what has really brought me down. Kaitlyn told me that she has started seeing someone else. And I reacted very lividly to this. This made her sad because I told her I wasnít sure if I can handle her friendship knowing sheís with someone else. She told me that she ďdoesnít know what sheíd do without me in her lifeĒ. And she always tells me how much I mean to her. And the feeling is mutual. Iíve been able to still want her friendship very much. However, this situation made me feel so lonely. A lot of my friends over the years have changed and Iím not as close with many of them at all. And Kaitlyn is such a busy girl with work and school that we canít see each other at all really. I just started to feel the loneliest I have in years after she told me this. The good part is that she wants me to be her best friend and I also donít know what Iíd do without Kaitlyn. But it really stung and itís been a big contributing factor.
And now what really has put me into a big hole was talking to my dad about school. Kaitlyn told me about how sheís started seeing someone else this past Saturday, and on Monday I finally had to tell me dad the deal about my classes. We had a very heated exchange and it got me so upset. I talked about how maybe if Iím taking this one class, I should take another or two just get the financial aid. But he got very angry with me, and said that I was just delaying all of this. And I donít really know. Because I honestly donít know what I want to do with this degree. He got so mad because he ďtold so many people that Iím graduating in augustĒ. And I really donít care who he told, or what those people think about me if I go to school part time for another semester. I think this is whatís best because Iím scared for life out of school right now.
Iím kind of stuck in a bad situation with it however. You see, most, if not all, police departments donít hire a person if theyíve smoked marijuana in the past 3 years before applying. And unfortunately this past November I was drunk at a party and smoke a hit out of a bong. I would not have done it in a sober mind and I regret doing it every day. My dad does not know this information, and I fear telling him this information too. If he reacts so strongly to my class issues, I canít imagine him reacting to me telling him this. So I really donít know what else to do with this degree.
I was diagnosed with depression about 4-5 years ago. I was treated medically and with therapy. It all helped a lot and I got out of that hole. Iíve had little relapses I think, here and there, but overall I became better. And these two situations have me really low. I havenít felt this sad since I was diagnosed. I feel lost, sick in the stomach all the time, very very lonely and I cry all the time. These past few days are just a nightmare. The only person helping me is Kaitlyn, ironically enough. Sheís such a sweet girl for doing that too. My father scares me to death with school related stuff, and actually always has. Iíve never had very good grades and heís gotten so mad at me sometimes. Iím just so scared right now. Iíll have this degree eventually, and Iím so low that Iím not sure if Iím ready to do anything with it. Iím not even sure if I can handle any job in this field. I feel so scared and hopeless. I inquired about counseling services at my college, but theyíre closed for the summer. And I donít know who else to talk to about advice at my school. My advisor is retiring within a week I think and I think I need major help. I need help with both school and with my mental health, I think. I feel like crying all the time and the two situations that happened back to back really just put me very very deep in this hole. And god knows how my dad would react if I tell him Iím feeling this depressed again. Especially when he thinks Iím all but ready to start my life. I need to do something because I havenít been able to find joy in anything. Iím seeing a concert tomorrow of my two favorite bands and I hardly feel like going now. My mind is always racing and I canít keep my mind off of the crap that has me sad. Iím so on edge and my stomach is so sick right now I can hardly eat.
Re: I feel the lowest I've ever been in years and don't know where to turn -
July 13th 2011, 02:10 AM
Oh, I'm very sorry this is happening Focus on the fact that you've made it out of this hole before and that things can change! Maybe that girl wasn't right for you relationship-wise and maybe you were just meant to be good friends so that you could make some other lucky girl happy. And you'll make it through the school; I know it seems never-ending and frustrating, but you don't have too much longer. Definitely ask someone in your classes for help..usually they're more than willing! If you think telling your dad won't work, find some other older person to turn to..and I know how it feels to find joy in nothing, but once you go through the experience it usually ends up better than you originally thought it would make you feel. Best of luckxx