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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
blumemusik♫ Offline
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I want to die... But I don't? - July 24th 2011, 08:14 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm just so confused.

I have all these emotions inside me - none of them good ones - saying that I'm worthless and I have no point in being alive and stuff.

I don't know what's going on really.

Sorry if this makes no sense, I'm just going to rant a bit.

I hate the way I look - my stomach and my legs and my face -_-

And I'm so lazy and non-committal and I eat too much and can't stick to a diet, because I've TRIED to lose weight, I really have, but I can't keep up with it.

And I feel so selfish because I have no real reason to want to die, and I don't WANT to die because I couldn't do that to my family, but I just wouldn't care if I DID die.

I'm really weird. I'm a nerd who is predicted all A*s in her GCSEs. So why do I feel so STUPID all the time?

I have no real friends. My friends aren't REALLY my friends. In fact, in school, I get on better with the teachers than any students. Obviously, I don't hang around with teachers at break and lunch (haha, that'd be weirder,) so I spend time with my 'friends' but I don't really like them. There's really nobody in my school I get on with. They're just not my type of people.

Oh yeah, except Matty, who is the person I've really liked for about two years now? And he'll never like me back. Because I'm some stupid depressed selfish fat bitch who has never done more than kissed a guy, and even that was because he was using me. He'll never know how I feel either. I'll take the secret with me to the grave. Ha.

I just... Oh I don't even know. I have days where I'm really happy, and I'll have days like today (most days are like today) when I feel rubbish and I cut myself and I cry and all I want is to sit with my computer, and I don't want to eat, but I have to act normal because my parents know nothing.

My parents upset me. They don't realise, but they say things that hurt. Like "Why don't you want dessert? Are you anorexic or something?" And I've said not to joke about stuff like that, but they don't listen. I could scream and they wouldn't hear me.

Even my poetry and my music have left me. I used to be able to write a poem at the drop of a hat, but I have no inspiration anymore. And all of a sudden I can't play the piano or the violin. My fingers don't do what I want them to do. My nails are itching to dig into my skin. Without my music I am nothing and I can't fucking compose! I need to, for school, but I have no fucking inspiration.

Sorry. I don't normally swear so much. I'm just so wound up. And everyone's eating bacon sandwiches and they smell so nice, but I won't have one because I'm too fucking stubborn.

It's weird actually, how I don't really care too much about my mum finding out about my SH, but if my violin teacher or my conductor found out, it'd kill me. I've wondered if I actually love them more than my family. I know I SHOULDN'T, but it's certainly possible.

I feel like such a bad person for just thinking that.

But I won't see my violin teacher or conductor for 6 weeks now, and it's really sad, and making me worse. Same with my orchestra, who are my only true friends. And most of them have left now anyway because they're 18/19 and going to uni. WHY DON'T I GET ON WITH ANYONE MY OWN AGE?

I'm just mega fed up.

And some days I think "I should just end it all. All I need to do is cut a little deeper." But I know I could never be that brave.

And I haven't SHd in over 2 weeks, but I know that's going to change tonight.

Sorry for this stupid rant guys.

I'm beyond help anyway.
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bailatyvm Offline
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Re: I want to die... But I don't? - July 24th 2011, 09:04 PM

I know exactly how you feel, in all respects. Even the music thing..I would go in to class and my fingers just would not work properly on my viola and it was really upsetting. It's hard to get yourself inspired again but there's usually something out there. If you want to get re-inspired for music, try doing what I always do for dance. I go on youtube and just look up amazing dances, and seeing them and what I could be inspires me. Try doing that, it might help. And I get the teacher thing...except I really did hang out with them. And the highs and lows. And the lack of weight loss..yeah, all in all I get what you're going through. But you're going to make it. It's going to change..gradually, maybe, but it will changed. And you'll see how lovely you are<3

searching for myself...
and hugs. mostly hugs.
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Re: I want to die... But I don't? - July 27th 2011, 04:08 PM

Oh sweet heart..

So many people love you and care about you and I know that there are days when life just sucks, I've been there. I know that it's horrible when the people closest to you make jokes about something that you feel could actually be a problem with you too. The inspiration will come to you, you just have to let it.

You're so much stronger than the need to hurt yourself, because you are beautiful and there's absolutely no reason for you to hate yourself the way you do. You are amazing and strong and even though sometimes things in life and love seem like too much, it will always get better, it has to get better.

If you want to find inspiration, maybe that's what you'll have to do, go out and find the sucker. Take a walk to a park, go somewhere that you find..beautiful, and make that place come to life. Find somewhere worth living for and make it yours, even if it is just in your head. You can do that much, I know.

If you ever need to be alone then go, be alone, who cares about what other people think. Sometimes I walk around for hours just because it feels great to not be pleasing other people for a while. You also know that I am ALWAYS here to talk to you, and I love you so so much that I wouldn't know what to do if something were to happen with you.

You are very loved, Kate.

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