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Name: Maya
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Unhappy Felt suicidal - July 28th 2011, 08:59 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've been trying to eat less and when I weighed myself today, I gained weight, even though I've been basically starving myself. I look in the mirror and I'm disgusted and there's nothing I can do. I think there might be reasons why I feel the way I feel. I was abandoned by my biological father before I was born, molested by my grandpa at the age of 3, and physically and emotionally abused by my step father at the age of 6. Today, all those feelings came rushing back to me when I weighed myself. I realized that I'm disgusting and hideous and I can't do anything about it. So, I opened up the medicine cabinet and took out the Asprin bottle. I spilled about 15 pills in my hand and I was trembling so much, I could barely keep the pills in my hand. I hesitated but stopped myself. I don't know how I did it, but I did. I've been having these urges to overdose but something pulls me back. I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't.
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Re: Felt suicidal - July 28th 2011, 10:05 AM

I'm sorry to see that you're struggling so much. I'm glad that you stopped yourself.

If you starve yourself, you wont loose weight because your body's metabolism will slow down. There are also other problems that can come from it. You will feel terrible, have your immune system weakened, have trouble sleeping, and all this will trigger terrible feelings about yourself and bad memories. The only way to lose weight and keep it off (assuming that you need to lose any at all) is to eat healthily and exercise.

What you really need to do is to work on eating well- because how you eat makes a huge difference in how you feel. I can explain in more detail if you like.

I hope things get better for you, and PM me if you would like to talk.

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Re: Felt suicidal - July 28th 2011, 11:12 PM

Dream is correct, so listen to what he said Also, he knows quite a bit about eating healthy if you do want any advice.

As for almost taking the pills...I am glad you didn't! You sound like a strong person with everything you have been through. If you ever want to talk about any of it, feel free to Private Message me. I have been through sexual abuse, as well.

It sounds like what you should try to work on is Self Esteem. I can reference some good self help books through PM if you are interested. It will take me some time to gather a decent list, though.

Take care of yourself, Maya. Beautiful name, by the way.

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Re: Felt suicidal - July 31st 2011, 01:40 PM

I'm glad that you didn't do it. It shows that at least a part of you still wants to live. Don't give up. From what you said, your low self esteem might stem from those incidents rather than your weight. Try not to focus on your body image. A person's personality and virture are more important than that.

It is not length of life, but depth of life.

--Ralph Waldo Emerson
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