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justlikeme0 Offline
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I don't wanna get better - August 11th 2011, 08:38 PM

For a long time now I've been going to therapy and taking antidepressants. And I'm finally starting to come out of it. I don't want to kill myself anymore, I like hanging out with friends, I can express myself better and my self esteem is improving. But the problem is that deep down I don't want to get better. At least when I was sad, it wad a constant thing. I didn't have to deal with the constant ups and downs of emotions like I do now. And a part of me still thinks that I deserve to be sad all the time. I miss being in pain and even though I know I'm getting better, I still wish I could go back to being depressed. It's so hard to explain but for so many reasons I just want to stay depressed. I feel like there must be something wrong with me. I should want to get better but I just don't.....


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Re: I don't wanna get better - August 11th 2011, 08:50 PM

Hey Dani

I think I understand what you mean I know this may be slightly different but I remember when my food problems were at one of their really bad times I didn't want to start eating because I was worried people would think I was okay. If I put on weight and agreed with the treatment I thought it would be presumed I was better, but I still had the thoughts and felt really weird around food, I felt that wouldn't be acknowleged. Is that sort of how you're feeling? Or have I totally got the wrong end of the stick (which is most likely )?

It's okay to be unsure about recovery, it's a scary things when you've been down for so long, the feeling of being 'okay' can be totally overwhelming. Does you're therapist know the way you're feeling? If they don't it might be an idea to discuss this with them so they are aware of issues that could be preventing you move forward with your recovery.

It's really great you're starting to feel better though, try and embrace this and do things with it you perhaps you couldn't do before to show yourself you can enjoy your new mindset

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Re: I don't wanna get better - August 11th 2011, 09:02 PM

I feel like the way you've explained depression was, in a way, a safety net for you. At least depression was a constant and you could rely on waking up the next day feeling the same way. Change and growth are difficult parts of life that many people would rather not (and subsequently don't) partake in, mainly because they are difficult and uncomfortable. But unfortunately , the hardest things in life yield the most growth. I understand your feelings but please, find the strength to pull through and the confidence to keep going despite the ups and the downs. You will be successful if you put your mind to it.


All conditioned things are impermanent. Work out your own salvation with diligence.
   
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Re: I don't wanna get better - August 14th 2011, 04:49 AM

You do deserve to get better, like you said you are still in therapy and it is working. Soon you will understand that you do deserve better. Sometimes that is the hardest part to realize, the fact that you do actually deserve better
   
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