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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Dragoljub Offline
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Name: Ivo
Gender: Male
Location: In the Clouds

Posts: 1
Join Date: August 13th 2011

I think I am depressed. I have a lot of residual anger, especially towards myself. - August 13th 2011, 07:06 AM

Warning: This is really really wrong, so be prepared so spend a while reading my monologue...

I think I've been depressed for at least the last three years. There are so many things I've wanted to talk about with someone for years, but I've been too shy and ashamed of my own feelings to really explain it all. It's been difficult for me because I am afraid of people misinterpreting my words or responding in a way that I don't want them to. Even coming here and deciding to post on online forums has been as struggle of a decision for me; it seems almost any serious decision like that is really hard for me.

My family is broken. I live with my single mother and my 12 year old sister. My father has his own apartment and my sister visits him every two weeks. I don’t visit him on regular intervals as the last time I visited him for longer than I couple of hours we started arguing violently. I couldn’t stand being with him for that long and I ran back to my mom. I have a very hard, complicated relationship with my father. Sometimes I wonder if I hate him, or if he even is my real father because I don’t understand how he could treat me the way he does sometimes. I feel he’s emotionally abused me for most of my conscious life.

My parents are separated, although not yet legally. Sometimes I wonder how they got married at all. Normally they are polite, civil people but together they will only last a few days without a huge argument breaking out. Throughout my childhood I would be awoken by my parents’ arguments. My mom has spoken on many occasions how she is literally 'allergic' to my father. They have not spoken directly to each other in almost two years. My mother wants to file for divorce papers but she needs money for all the paperwork. I have maybe one happy memory of my parents living together. Growing up I actually expected conflict in the household and it was strange not seeing my parents argue. Early on I decided I wanted my parents to divorce, because it might make things better. What kind of child wants their parents to divorce? The worst feeling was of deprivation and envy when I would visit other households. I would see parents, other women and men interacting civilly and with love for each other. I wondered why I couldn’t live in a family like that.

I worry about my sister. She is very sensitive, like me. Our personalities are very alike, and I imagine if I was born a girl I would have turned out like her. A few weeks ago I found a notebook which she wrote in about how she wanted to kill herself… she was only 9 years old at the time. I really want to take my whole family into counselling but I don’t know how my father will react. I don’t even know if I can pay for any sort of counselling or treatment. My sister is also a little overweight and I worry about her self-confidence. I know how mean girls can get and I try to be as helpful as I can.

One of my earliest memories of my father is when he was trying to teach me math when I was 7. Something he said confused me and I couldn’t understand it. Instead of trying to help me he mocked me and criticized me. I got mad and started crying. I just kept feeling worse and worse, and he didn’t console me. I felt so angry I drew a black hole on the piece of paper he was using to teach. I pressed so hard I ripped a giant hole. I screamed at him, THIS IS YOU!!!. All he did was laugh in my face, enraging me further. These sort of little episodes occurred many times over the course my childhood. I soon resented my father a lot, and hated how certain aspects of my character were similar to his. Every time my father calls my phone my stress level increases. I often ignore his calls, or forget what he instructs me to do. I sometimes feel it’s unfair my mom can divorce my dad but I that I can’t. My father tries to control me with the extra money that he has. He’ll try to buy my gifts. Or worse, he’ll buy my sister gifts because she visits him. He just bought her a brand new $1500 Nikon Camera, and I got nothing. I didn’t get anything either for my last birthday either. The fact that I didn’t get anything doesn’t bother me that much; the fact that my father tries to separate me and my sister is disheartening. He tries to control me and make me do things I don’t want to do. He thinks that because he’s my parent it means I should agree with everything he says.

I have tried talking to my mom twice before about my feelings but I just wanted her to listen to me vent, not give me advice and rationalize my feelings. Her reaction made me so angry, I was filled with rage. Real, intense volcanic rage. I wanted to destroy the entire world and everything in it. I was crying so hard I couldn't even speak properly and finish my sentences. That feeling of being not in control frightened me. A couple of days later, my mom was walking past my computer said something along the lines of ‘you should do more piano practice instead of contemplating suicide’. What she said made me so mad I thought about killing myself just to get back at her… just to hurt her forever.

The constant worries about money and dealing with the controlling nature of my father are sources of stress for her and for me. I feel helpless because I can’t help her. Like everyone else, my mom sometimes needs time to vent but when she starts talking to me about her problems I feel like my head is going to explode. I really care for her but I can’t endure all the negative stuff happening to her. I told her to stop, but I didn’t say it the right way and she ended up thinking I just didn’t care about her feelings. She said I ‘lacked empathy’. Sometimes I think my mom sees things in my character or personality that come from my father and this changes her objectivity.

The only way of coping that I know is suppression. I try not to think about the things that bother me and push thoughts deep inside. I also end up getting addicted to the computer and other distractions to try and keep my mood from plunging too low. It seems I try to do everything else except the things I need to do (chores, homework, exercise,). Obfuscation is my grand hobby.

I have fears of failure and fears of being embarrassed, especially in public. Often I’ll give up on a piano lesson and just lie to my teacher and say I forgot, when in fact I was so scared because he’d know I was not working hard enough. I feel terrible for lying to my teacher and not working hard enough when he’s given me free extra lessons and organized concerts around my schedule. He’s treated me with such respect and kindness and I’ve thrown it back into his face. I don’t’ even have the courage to admit to my lies. I hate being a coward like that.

I occasionally have thoughts about suicide if there's a bout of very serious stress. One particularly bad occasion I felt suicidal for an entire day and the next morning, but eventually it passed. I don’t physically self harm except when I really get into a frenzy. I had an argument with my mom earlier today and afterwards I felt so enraged I clawed at my lag. I broke some scabs open and blooded some insect bites. I don’t like physically hurting myself but it’s almost a subconscious reaction when things get really bad.

My greatest fear, (quoting Inception) is that I will die an old man, filled with regret. Just like my father. He has a good job, a well furnished apartment and plenty of activities to keep him busy. Yet, I haven’t seen him happy, ever. He rarely smiles, and only does so when he’s being cynical. My father never talks about his feelings. A few weeks ago he made some joke about women and suicide (something misogynistic and cruel). It’s comments like that make me go crazy and want to punch him in the face. He has everything to make a normal man feel happy yet he’s just utterly despondent. I don’t want to end up like him.

I do a lot of self mutilation in my head. I say nasty things to myself and imagine putting myself down in the presence of friends. This sort of emotional self harm has been going on for years. I started doing this around the start of 5th grade or so, if not sooner. Many of my fantasies that involve hopes or dreams will turn into self-torture where I imagine myself failing or getting rejected. I feel the need to punish myself emotionally if I do something wrong, because I keep making the same type of mistakes over and over again. I don’t do schoolwork hard enough or I don’t practice piano regularly enough. I have an exam next week and I’m not ready. I have procrastinated way too much. I feel like a failure because I have so much talent and raw potential and I just let my time slip away. I could have graduated from college by now but because of my poor work ethic I’ve yet to finish my first year. It feels like I’m going through some horrible reverse time machine, and I’m sliding backwards.

If I don’t suppress my feelings all the anger, hate, love, confusion, disorder, stress and everything builds into a torrent of a million thoughts. I feel angry at everyone, at my father, my mother, my sister and especially myself. I am the one who is responsible for all my grades and my success. I am very angry at myself, and sometimes it’s hard to resist screaming and throwing a tantrum.
Earlier today I cried so much I think I depleted all the water in my tear ducts. I spent two hours just going through my thoughts on the couch. The rest of the day I felt really tired and drained. I can barely focus when the depressing thoughts enter my head. I feel ashamed that I could be depressed and suicidal, because I’ve been blessed in many ways. I graduated high school at age 16. I was also good at sports and enjoyed the company of my friends. I am lucky to have a strong, fast brain and a healthy body. I don’t understand how it’s not enough to keep me happy. It’s as if life is not good enough for me.

I don’t think I’ve felt true happiness for years. I know about the placebo effect and how a lot of antidepressants don’t work all that well. I don’t know what chance I have of dealing with my depression. I tend to have a realistic view of things, which doesn’t help when a lot of it is coloured by my depression and self-loathing. I know I have to be optimistic if I want to get better, but it’s hard.

I apologize for writing so much here, but this is my story as it stands so far. There is so much I have left unsaid, but I don’t want to overwhelm anyone else further. If you’ve made it all the way to the end I give you an entire batch of cookies! (One of my dreams is to become a dessert Chef)

My hope is to help myself get better and help others. Maybe achieve some of my dreams when I find the courage to keep working hard every day.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Darrenboy! Offline
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Re: I think I am depressed. I have a lot of residual anger, especially towards myself. - August 13th 2011, 08:06 AM

*takes cookies and shares them with you* good luck and i think its wonderful that you want to be a desert chef. You must remember that whatever you dad did was wrong, and you should learn to not be that way. i also think that the bond that you and your sister share is wonderful, and that you should do your very best to protect it and support her.

I am going to assure you that what you've went through is a lot, and is nothing small. cheers for you to survive and make it through all that. Please tell us more about what you went through. I wanna hear all of it so that i can support you all the way.

remember we're always here for you. please stay strong. remember your smile is a wonderful thing... keep that in mind. you never know who you might be cheering up with that smile of yours

And those dreams are wonderful dreams

Those who have went through more pain than everyone else, and want to protect anyone and everyone they know and care for from that pain, are stronger than everyone.

we come, we help, we stick and never leave. pm me anytimeee!

Official member of the completely Unofficial free hugs Club !

I'm firing mah Hugs!
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anger, depressed, lot, residual

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