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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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SouthernBelle. Offline
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Post Suicidal thoughts again. - August 14th 2011, 02:24 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

If you want to just read the important parts, seeing how this is three parts need for advice and one part big long rant, just skip to the parts that are bolded, in italics, or underlined, and the parts immediately surrounding. If you want the whole story, just read it all the way through.

Yeah. Well, last year, I was really depressed. I thought about killing myself a lot. I never really tried anything -- I attempted once, but chickened out -- but I thought a lot about how I could do it. The least painful way. I'm back on that track again. This evening, I laid on the couch while the whole house was dark and everyone was in another room, thinking about whether it was possible to overdose on Ibuprofen, whether I'd have the will to stab myself if I had a knife in my hand. I thought, maybe if I could go walking by myself, maybe a snake would bite me and I could just die from the poison, and no one would ever know that I let it take me.

It's that bad again.

My little sister and my mom contribute to most of it.

My little sister has been pestering me for the greater part of this entire 'vacation' from school. She's constantly being this horrible brat to me, and to my little brother, and to my mother. She's lazy. She won't lift a finger to help my mom, and not even to help herself -- she won't even put a bowl of soup in the microwave, or get her own plate out of the cabinet. She makes my mom run and do everything.

And I get the blame for it.

Every day, I feed our dog. I help take care of my little brother -- I get him food, help him get his clothes. When the school year's in, I help him put on his packpack and get his socks and shoes on. When my mom asks me to carry in groceries or help put them away, I do. When my mom asks me to put clothes in the dryer, I do. When she asks me to sweep or clean the living room, I do. When she asks me to clean my room, I do. When she asks me to help her make salad and things for dinner, I do. When she asks me to do anything, I do it -- except wash dishes, because it literally makes me sick, as we don't have a dishwasher and nobody ever scrapes their plates off before plunging them in that horridly grey water.

I get blamed for the fact that my little sister does nothing. When I say my little sister is doing something to annoy my little brother, or that she's being violent toward him and needs to be corrected, it's not her fault. Oh no. Not my mother's baby girl. It's my fault, for being a bad older sister, who's supposedly 'trying to tell her mom how to raise her kids'. I'm supposedly a thankless spoiled brat that does nothing but yell at my little sister -- for good reason, and sit around on my computer all day. This supposedly sets a bad example for my little sister, even though I always do anything my mom asks me, listen to my mom talk about her bad days as a substitute janitor.

I can't help it if I like to write stories on my computer. It relaxes me, and I'm not allowed to do anything else, because my mom's afraid I'll get hurt.

I've never been anything but good to my sister. When she's not being an ass, I take care of her and play with her just like I do my little brother. When she's mean to me, I'm mean right back -- because I refuse to be trampled into the dirt by her like my mother.

And I've supposedly now 'got an attitude' that I 'have to get rid of', even though three-quarters of the day today, I was helping my mom take care of my little brother and sister. I sat with first my little sister while my mom took my brother to the bathroom at the restauraunt, then vice versa. I held my little brother's hand across the parking lot. I made sure that my little brother kept my dad's new bow target down out of mom's mirror while she was driving. I even told my little sister 'good job' when she won the 'who can be quietest the longest' competition my mom started!

She got mad at me today because I was acting disappointed -- because I couldn't find a pair of shoes I really liked in my size, and I couldn't find a backpack that I liked. She told me to 'stop acting that way' when all I was doing was being disappointed because I couldn't find a pair of shoes! Then she tries to get me to buy this really awful backpack, and I tell her, "No, I don't want it." Well, evidently, that was the wrong thing to say, because she said: "Well, don't quarrel at me when you don't have a backpack to wear to school. I'm not taking you anywhere else."

My little sister got three backpacks throughout the course of last school year. I got one to use all year. The strap is starting to tear off. My little sister's are all like new. When I said I didn't like any of the backpacks at any of the stores we'd been to, my mom told me to deal with it, that we weren't going anywhere else. When my little sister said she didn't like the backpacks, my mom told her she was going to take her to another store!

It makes me mad that even though my little sister has three perfectly good backpacks, and I have only one worn out one, I am the one who doesn't get to go to another store to get a new backpack.

I get this treatment all the time. Everything is always in favor of my little sister, over me. When my mom goes shopping with me, even if I'm on my period and feeling like shit, she'll shop for an hour for my little sister even after I say I need to go home because I feel bad. She never, ever brings me anything home, and she brings my little sister stuff home all the time, no matter what kind of budget we're on. My sister had tons of clothes all summer, and my mom made sure of it. Me? I was wearing my mother's clothes because I didn't have any of my own to wear.

And now school is on the way, and I know I'll have trouble with Geometry. Last year, it was my little sister who my mom helped, even though I was barely passing Algebra 1. If I don't pass this class, I can't take the Theater III class that I auditioned for and was accepted into -- it's advanced, and I'm only a sophomore who's never acted before in her entire life. And I can't deal with all this stuff at home, and pass that class.

And the thing that pisses me off the worst? I practically broke down in front of my mother three times this year, because I needed to get into shape for track this year and she wouldn't help me run and diet to get into better shape. She said I was selfish and needed to stop being so down on myself, and didn't bother to help me at all. Now that school's starting back? She's going on a diet alone, even though I asked her so many times to help me get into shape for track, so I could do it again better than ever this year. Now I can't even do track, because I know I won't be able to keep up.



In conclusion: I always feel like I'm second-best. And being around the two of them all summer makes me depressed because I can't leave this fucking hellhole, and it makes me want to either run away or just end it all to get the fuck away from my mother and the way she babies my ten-year-old little sister before me and my little brother.

But I can't leave my brother, and I can't hurt my dad and grandpa that way. So I'm just trapped here.

And before you suggest it, my mother won't let me leave the house alone. I'm not allowed to go to friends' houses without her, and after she leaves them, she criticizes them to me, and expects me to agree with her, and gets mad when I don't. So, in order to avoid that, I'm just gonna fucking sit here and cry every night for three more years.

Not too bad, huh?


Anna's Personal Keys to Happiness
1. Do what you want within the bounds of reason, whenever you want to, and regret nothing. 2. If you have an opinion, don't beat around the bush, or there isn't a point in saying it. 3. Don't keep the company of anyone who won't like you and will try to change you.



   
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bailatyvm Offline
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Re: Suicidal thoughts again. - August 14th 2011, 03:05 AM

Hey; I know how you feel. But it's going to be alright. I used to be the same way with the whole yelling at my siblings thing because they wouldn't do anything..but now they just yell at each other and I stay out of it so that they'll get in trouble for it. I'm expected to be a parent but sometimes I just have to cool off and remind myself that I'm NOT a parent.

And I know; the attitude thing gets old fast. You just have to grin and bear it. That's the only way. :/

Quote:
And before you suggest it, my mother won't let me leave the house alone. I'm not allowed to go to friends' houses without her, and after she leaves them, she criticizes them to me, and expects me to agree with her, and gets mad when I don't. So, in order to avoid that, I'm just gonna fucking sit here and cry every night for three more years.
And I understand THIS completely too. I hate that :/ I have to isolate myself to protect my friends. :/

Don't kill yourself because..you'll get out of it. You really will. Stay strong, and pm me if you need to, because I get what you're going through<3


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and hugs. mostly hugs.
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SouthernBelle. Offline
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Re: Suicidal thoughts again. - August 14th 2011, 03:17 AM

Thanks, Bailatyvm.

Looking back at what I wrote, I think I sound a little selfish.


Anna's Personal Keys to Happiness
1. Do what you want within the bounds of reason, whenever you want to, and regret nothing. 2. If you have an opinion, don't beat around the bush, or there isn't a point in saying it. 3. Don't keep the company of anyone who won't like you and will try to change you.



   
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