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bailatyvm Offline
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I don't want to be posting here. >.< - August 18th 2011, 06:04 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I really don't want to be posting here.

And I feel like starting this off with "I swear I'm fine, but.."

But that's exactly what's wrong. I'm fine, but I'm not.

I'm kind of in that dazed state, where everything's blurry and confusing, and I can't focus, and it's frustrating and I feel like a five year old, because I should be able to handle my life. But..I can't.

I keep hearing lately that everyone's life is hard. I know. Trust me. But that makes me feel worse, because I just feel so..selfish. For not wanting to be here. For wanting to just sleep my life away.

I'm like..trying to justify SH too. I'm trying to convince myself to do it. But..I know if I do, I won't be able to lie about it. And then my sister's going to tell my mom, who's going to hate me and call me insane again..but I deserve that, don't I? It's all part of the punishment of SH? I feel like I absolutely NEED to punish myself for being so dreadful.

And..lately I've been trying to reach out to people and help them..but..I feel like they don't care. And I feel like I'm being taken for granted and..I feel stupid for trying. But I know that if I were them, I'd want help. But..ugh.

I feel like I'm going to cave to SH..but I really don't want to. Because I know, once I do, I'll feel like a failure, and I'll want to punish myself further, so I'll cut more and..gah.

I swear, I'm just nothing. I'm not worth crap in my family. I'm seriously invisible. And I'm so very lonely, and I just want hugs and to be held..but once I get around people, I fake happiness. People like the happy me. But if I showed the real me, they'd run.

And I think that's what I deserve.


I'm sorry to be posting here; I genuinely hoped it wouldn't get to this point. But..I need help. Alternatives don't work. I have no focus, and my mind wanders. I can't get any therapy/counseling. All of my experiences with it have been dreadful; once my mom started yelling at me while I was in the room, three times I trusted the counselor, and they said they wouldn't call home, but they did, and I got in trouble. The other time, they didn't help. And..I guess I just don't know what to do. Family's always the last option for most people, they should be your rock. But I don't have that. As I said, I'm invisible to them. They genuinely don't care what I do as long as I don't mess up their perfect image.

I feel like crap.


--
searching for myself...
and hugs. mostly hugs.
--
   
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Darrenboy! Offline
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Re: I don't want to be posting here. >.< - August 18th 2011, 07:28 AM

hey. i think that your real self is more wonderful and cheerful than the facade you put up for these people. No one's perfect, so dont be too afraid of messing up the perfect image of the family, because whats the point of being perfect if YOU AINT HAPPY! so yeah. i think its time you relaxed and learnt that to be happy, you must let yourself be yourself and just express yourself freely.

the world is yours to behold. You just gotta let go of all your inhibitions. Never for once think of the shackles that other people try to put on you. you are your own individual!

remember we're always here to support you


Those who have went through more pain than everyone else, and want to protect anyone and everyone they know and care for from that pain, are stronger than everyone.

we come, we help, we stick and never leave. pm me anytimeee!

Official member of the completely Unofficial free hugs Club !

I'm firing mah Hugs!
   
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football94 Offline
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Re: I don't want to be posting here. >.< - August 18th 2011, 07:33 PM

It's fine we want to help you . You arent being selfish, you help people here on TH all the time and you deserve to not feel selfish. You arent selfish because you take time to help people. You dont deserve to be called insane and you are not insane, dont let anyone talk you into thinking that either.

Stay strong Bailatyvm

there are many alternatives like putting ice in your fist and squeezing it until it melts away, its rather soothing but also makes cutting unnecessary. Please dont cut. You deserve to be happy.

One, You are worth something, you are worth alot.
Two, you are worth alot to your family although they may not treat you like they should, or they may not realize how important you are to them, but its not your fault.
Three, you may feel invisible but you aren't I have seen some of your posts here and they are stunning, I know you may not feel like you are visible but to others you are very visible, you are worth alot, and you deserve to be happy.

Like Yoshi said if being "perfect" makes you feel unhappy, be imperfect because you cant let others change who you are because its convinient to them. You are your own person. If you want to be you, be you, if you want to be imperfect be imperfect, if they cant understand that then they will have to learn that you are who you are and that is the best thing you can be. Good luck
   
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bailatyvm Offline
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Re: I don't want to be posting here. >.< - August 19th 2011, 04:24 AM

Aw; you guys are so lovely. Thank you<3


--
searching for myself...
and hugs. mostly hugs.
--
   
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