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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Boas Offline
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Exclamation I hope that this is in the right section, gotta complain to someone and it can't be my parents - August 22nd 2011, 02:39 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've organized my whining into three parts, each part complaining about a different thing. My hobby is organization.

Complaint #1:
I'm on lamotrigine to help with Bipolar, which is working somewhat (although not quite as well as it worked when I took it as a child). Cutting isn't providing any relief now. I still do it, but out of a desire to be punished, or rather to be in pain. There's no high or release at all.
I use whatever I have available. Forks, bread knives, teeth... but nothing seems to work. Initially I thought that somehow the drug was preventing my brain from releasing endorphins, but this doesn't seem to be the case. It feels better if it's pain by accident, but like tickling yourself it doesn't give me any pleasure if it's self-inflicted. It's like my brain just doesn't want me to feel better, but I'm sure there's a more reasonable explanation.

Complaint #2:
All of my life I've really, really hated school. None of it interested me, and as a result I failed in all of my classes (save English which is one of the most impractical subjects available). Since I've failed in school (and am failing college) there's this really awful feeling of impending doom. I've failed socially too, really I've failed everywhere. It's been at least two weeks since I've left my house.
I keep on telling myself that it won't matter because I can kill myself at any moment but it's not helping any. It's with me all the time and nothing seems to curb it. There's this nagging feeling that I won't be able to do it which gives me this feeling of shame. Like a pet that you killed but can't be bothered to bury.

Complaint #3:
I can't not think about suicide, it's on my mind every second of every day. I've figured out several ways to do it. One being lining a neon car outside of a hospital and calling the hospital saying that someone parked a neon car outside of a hospital with the intent of killing himself in a panicked voice. At the moment I'm done with the call I commit suicide via an (ideally) 8 caliber shotgun in the mouth aiming upwards at the skull, the expanding gas killing me instantly. This is so (assuming that my heart is still beating the moment I enter the hospital) they can harvest my organs.
The point is that it's really bothering me but at the same time it's oddly comforting.

Complaint #4
This one's going to be shorter, promise. For the last couple of years I've had this feeling that everyone's plotting against me. That my parents are putting poison in my food, or that my (online) friends are making fun of me behind my back. Things like that. It's entirely irrational and I know that but it's a feeling that just can't be shaked.

There. Jesus God that feels better. Apologies for grammars/speeling errors, it's nine and I just don't feel well in the slightest.


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Re: I hope that this is in the right section, gotta complain to someone and it can't be my parents - August 22nd 2011, 12:33 PM

Hey there,

I'm glad you were able to post because it sounds like you've got quite a lot going on. In your title you said you can't complain to your parents, I'm just wondering why that is? You've spoken about feeling like they're plotting against you, what's your relationship with them like?

I can understand how frustrating it must be that you aren't getting that release that you feel you need from cutting anymore. You said it's not giving you any sort of high or release and it sounds like that's something you need right now. A form of release to help you deal with your feelings. Have you ever looked at any other ways of finding a release that doesn't involve cutting? Flicking a rubber band against your wrist, screwing up paper, going for a walk, just for a couple of examples?

Failing school or in your classes doesn't automatically mean that you're failing society, or anywhere else for that matter. Yes, we grow up being taught that school is everything, but it isn't. It's one sector, one part of life. And it's a part that isn't for everyone. I've been to school with people who hated it, didn't feel they did well in classes, exams weren't their thing, they were 'failing'. As soon as they could they left and did practical courses and have are succeeding in jobs which they love. What I'm trying to say is that there are other paths. Try and use some time to think about what you want, what your skills are - your organisation skills to help give you a start! - and take those steps to finding your path. There's no shame in it.

Suicide is such an addictive thought. It's almost like, you have the initial thought then it takes root and soon you're thinking of methods or opportune moments everywhere you go. But there is a way to stop those thoughts, and a way of stopping them that doesn't involve ending your life. You talk about being on medication, which suggests your doctor is aware of how you're feeling, but I'm wondering whether they know that you're thinking about suicide? It isn't easy talking to people about feelings, but suicide is a last option, the thing you turn to when you have tried and exhausted everything else. Have you done that at the moment?
   
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Re: I hope that this is in the right section, gotta complain to someone and it can't be my parents - August 22nd 2011, 07:05 PM

Hey, I have almost the same problems but I have not yet failed school but I will, I had a chance to fix it but I let it slip
For me what helps is adrenaline... It's like a drug.. I go out and ride a bicycle At 40 km/h, racing cars, driving off road and downhill...
And it hurts if you fall
About suicide... Just live with it, the thing you say to yourself is the best thing to do... You can do it anytime and everywhere you want
For me, thinking up ways to do it is another relief...
One thing I do miss is that music sucks... It didn't before ):
   
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Re: I hope that this is in the right section, gotta complain to someone and it can't be my parents - August 24th 2011, 04:06 AM

I know what you mean Esai. :\ I used to love music and now there's just nothing fun about it. Music has become organized noise for me as it has become for you.


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