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Moonflower Offline
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Age: 25

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Join Date: August 25th 2011

Feeling suicidal, I'm sick of being treated like I'm stupid - August 25th 2011, 06:20 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'll start by saying my love and passion is dogs. Its always been dogs. In the dog world, its like religion, people always have different views when it comes to ethics and care. My mother has been a certified dog trainer, pet CPR instructor, insert other important titles here, you get the idea. She's had the courage to do the things I've always wanted to. But, whenever there is something I disagree with her on, she basically uses those things to say she has the knowledge and accreditation and therefore I'm wrong. Cesar Milan was on Oprah, so, we should all hang our dogs and twirl them around on the leash, right?

My councilor says I'm trying to do the "The ceiling is white", "No, its brown", thing, but isn't she really doing the same thing? My mother then used the trump card "She's a teenager so just let her be stupid and learn", which my councilor then used that to try and make me understand. My grandfather said the same thing, basically "You're stupid until you're 23 because the frontal lobes of your brain aren't completely closed up". I told my councilor that's what she was saying, and she said no. Well, gee, on my 17th birthday when we went out for dinner, my grandfather's wife said "Don't worry (my mother's name), she's only stupid until she's 23!" so, yes, I beg to differ, they do mean I am stupid, and apparently you think I'm stupid enough to think otherwise. You gain knowledge while your frontal lobes are open, and until they close you don't have that knowledge, and therefore you are "stupid". I can't take this freaking family drama, I hate being beaten down until I'm nothing. One moment they're like "Oh go to college and be somebody!" the next its "Oh you're too disabled to do anything, don't even try". It makes me cry and makes me want to commit suicide. I swear to god if I ever have a child I will let them know they can be anyone they want to be and I will never degrade them and make them think they are lesser.

I found it hilarious that during family counseling today my mother said she "isn't the mother I used to be" regarding taking me out and doing fun things, god, when did that happen? Why do you think I practically lived with my friend? Because you were never there. I think they were right about the cause of aspergers, that children have it because their parents are so cold and closed that they clam up. I still remember the time when I was little and told her I couldn't sleep, I didn't get "Well let me come read you a story" I got "Shut your eyes and go to sleep". She found out I was being abused not by my blood curdling screams, but by the bruises on my arms, she was never there. And now I'm not allowed to be somebody, have my own voice, my own opinion. Its her, the god, the god knows all and must be worshiped and respected, screw the children, there will come a time when they can do it to their own children and be their own god. She says things like "I remember when children respected their elders" well god, what happened to the children? No respect for the children? I guess its because they're too stupid to be respected. They have no future, no feelings, they're nothing. I'm just so sick of it all, I want it to stop. I want it to stop so badly. I keep learning and doing amazing things that mean nothing to my family, nothing at all. What's the point in trying to feel good about yourself, doing things to improve yourself, when it means nothing to your family and they just beat you down for it? I don't feel suicide is an option, but I don't know what else to do. I know eventually I'll calm down, but in the meantime I feel dreadful. My brother ran away when he was my age, I really don't blame him. I wish I was living with him right now. He was such a nice brother, he would take me out to the mall and do things that she wouldn't with me. He would be able to help me be someone rather than beat me down and tell me I'm worthless. He's in the army now, and mom stopped talking to him though. It really upset me when he left us, I felt really alone then.

Last edited by Moonflower; August 25th 2011 at 06:22 AM. Reason: Broke it up into paragraphs so its not a wall of text.
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