I found the perfect place

[Ella.x]

I found the perfect place to die. It's on a hill overlooking the countryside. It's beautiful. No-one ever goes there at night, so I would have plenty of time before someone found my body. I know how I'm going to do it too. I can't take the depression and BPD anymore. It's too much and I'm too weak. I had to phone in sick for work this morning because I couldn't stop crying. I was awake for 3 hours before I could even get myself out of bed briefly and now I'm back in bed. I can't do anything. This is no way to live. I genuinely don't know if it's even possible for me to get better. I don't know what to do. I'm considering killing myself tonight. I have everything that I need to do it.

[I Miss You]

ella

it broke my heart to hear you talk like this...i dont want you to die..and neither does anyone here at TH ....

you can always pm me if u need to talk or just need a freind

people here care about you and love you...dont do this ..please...stop and think about how devastated everyone here would be if you died....

i honestly dont want you to do this...please pm me...

thinking of you
Drew

[alibear101]

Hey Ella, first of all let me give you a big Hug <3 Oh my gosh! You have so much on your plate right now. Let me just say that I am not going to let you die. You have so many reasons to live. I would suggest that you make a list of every reason you have to live. You can put things like:
1. to get married
2. to have children
3. to go to university and get a good job (if you don't already have one)
4. to experience new things

That kind of thing is always really good to do. Then what you can do is make a list of all the people that care about you. Write all their names down and their phone numbers beside it. When you are feeling down, you can take one of these numbers and call anyonee. You could always call a helpline, there are probably dozens that you can call in your area.

I hope that helped. Message me anytime you want to talk, I am always here! by the way, Ella is a beautiful name, just like you! <3

[Ella.x]

I'm sorry guys, I really can't find any reasons to carry on. I've tried but none of the things I can think of are enough. I emailed the samaritans, but it didn't help. I'm out of options. I really think this is the end.

[Kristen1995]

Your decision has saddened me. Even though I don't know you in person, I can't stop feeling sad knowing that someone like you is giving up on her life. I wish I could hold you tightly and give all my strength to you.

Do you have anyone who you feel close to, like your family or friends? Anyone you could call or talk to? You need a distraction and accompany. Do not stay by yourself. Try to keep yourself busy with something. Anything you like to do?

[Kristen1995]

And the fact that you posted on here shows that you still want to hold on to hope and live. Maybe you are not aware of that, so I am pointing it out.

[Ella.x]

I have no-one. I cut myself again this afternoon and had to go and get more stitches. I hit my hand with a hammer just now and it's already really swollen. I'm so incredibly self destructive right now. I think this is the end. If I'm still alive on tuesday I'm going to phone up and cancel my appointment with my care co-ordinator next week because there's no point. I'm never going to get better. The urge to die is overwhelming. I can't fight it and why should i?
Sorry.

[Maloo]

You can fight it though. People are a lot stronger than they think they are. We can make it through a lot more than we feel is possible. And you can make it through this. I can tell that you have some inkling of a desire to live, and that's what you need to hold on to. It may be a tiny part of you, but that's the part to hold on to. I think if it were really your time to go, something would have happened to you. I don't think it's ever your time to go when it's done by your own hand. There's more in store for you. It's not your time to leave the world yet.

[alibear101]

Originally Posted by Ella.x

I'm sorry guys, I really can't find any reasons to carry on. I've tried but none of the things I can think of are enough. I emailed the samaritans, but it didn't help. I'm out of options. I really think this is the end.

Can we do anything to change that?

[Ella.x]

I'm so sorry for wasting all your time. I've lost the phone number for the out of hours community mental health team that I was given and that was my last option. Nothing so far has worked, so I doubt that would have anyway. I've got the stuff I need in order to go through with it, I just need to make sure it's going to be perfect. I do not want to wake up in hospital again. I think my hand might be broken, but it doesn't matter because I will be dead soon hopefully.
Again, I'm sorry for being a time-waster

[Peri]

Ella, you could never ever waste our time. You are an important person to us. You are not weak, because I know it must have taken a lot of courage and strength to post this. It makes you strong.

Could you tell us a little more on why you are feeling this way? Could you explain why the Samaritans couldn't help you?

It is absolutely possible for you to get better. It means having to take some decisions that you're uncomfortable with, but it is perfectly possible.

I would encourage you to speak and reach out to someone. A friend, parent... anyone. Is there anything you can do to keep yourself safe?

[bitesize]

Ella, please don't do this... I've seen a lot of your posts over the last couple of years and I know that you've been very unhappy. But I really really believe you can pull through this. There is always, always a way out, even if you have to wait a while to get there. Someone told me once that if you can survive depression through your teenage years things only go uphill from there.And when things are bad the only place they can go is uphill. You can get through this, I really really think so!! Is there anyone that you can call, or ask to come and be with you?? I really want you to be ok!!x

[alibear101]

Originally Posted by Ella.x

I'm so sorry for wasting all your time. I've lost the phone number for the out of hours community mental health team that I was given and that was my last option. Nothing so far has worked, so I doubt that would have anyway. I've got the stuff I need in order to go through with it, I just need to make sure it's going to be perfect. I do not want to wake up in hospital again. I think my hand might be broken, but it doesn't matter because I will be dead soon hopefully.
Again, I'm sorry for being a time-waster

Ella, you are definitely not a time waster... you can't give up hope. please please stay strong. you are such an amazing person and you don't deserve to die. you deserve to live a full and happy life. suicide isn't the answer. I know it may seem like it right now but its not. The best option for you is to surround yourself with people who love and care for you. Especially people on here! We all love and care bout you and don't want you to die. Please don't do anything. WE'd all be devastated if you died. Please message me.

[Kristen1995]

You do not know whether your life would turn around, so right now don't be so certain that it would not. I know it is very hard to hold on when you are so hopeless, but you still need to stay strong. You can fight through it. Don't let your thoughts win.

[Kristen1995]

You have us talking to. We all are concerned about you. Do you see a therapist? Can you talk to him/her about your feelings? Or could you admit yourself into a mental institution? Maybe your urges would be lessened. I just don't want you to be alone with this. *hugs*

[Ella.x]

Oh god, I didn't mean to make you all so worried, I'm so sorry. I'm not worth all this attention. I'm feeling ever so slightly better this morning, but I still can't do anything. This is the second day in a row that I have had to phone in sick for work because I can't stop crying. Everything is just so wrong. At this rate, I'm going to get fired. I can't even go food shopping, I get to the shop and there's just so many people that my anxiety becomes really bad and I end up having to walk back out again with nothing or I only manage to get a couple of things that I need.
I don't even know why I'm feeling so awful. If I did, at least I would have some clue as to how to fix it, but I don't. I'm so lost and confused and scared. My only friends are not the kind of people who I can talk to about anything like this. The only family member who would even care is my mum and she has got far too much to deal with already, I don't want to stress her out even more.

[Atychiphobia]

Ella, as you know nobody can stop you taking this route even if we don't want you to, as you well know, but you need to try and remember all the things that kept you fighting all of this for this long.. there were reasons, people, needs, desires that kept you trying every day, try and remember those, they likely still are relevant just everything becomes blurred when your that close to the edge. In terms of struggling with work is it worth trying to be signed off just for a bit so you can focus on yourself?
PM me if you wanna talk. BPD sucks I know that personally.

[Ella.x]

I'm contracted 0 hours a week, so I would only get statutory sick pay whilst I was off which is like £6 a day if you're contracted 0 hours. I feel like I'm about to break. I don't know what to do.

[Ella.x]

I couldn't hang myself. I fail at everything! I am fucking pathetic!

[blumemusik♫]

The fact that you posted here, asking for advice, shows that part of you, somewhere, doesn't want to die. Hold on to that bit of you, help it grow, and carry on living.

You're not weak for failing to hang yourself. If anything, the weak thing is to take the 'easy' way out by killing yourself.

Stay strong, I'm here if you need to chat. Try LiveHelp or HelpLink. They might be able to give you more personal advice.

Hang in there <3

[Kristen1995]

You don't have to kill yourself. It won't solve your problems. Your mom would be sad if you were not around. From your job and what your said, I can see that you are a very caring person who deserves to live and all the blessings. You are not pathetic. You are not anything that you would think of yourself as. Don't see yourself as the problem because you are not. You have suffered from the disorders. They are the problem, but not you. Don't listen to those voices/thoughts. Keep the faith that you are strong and you can beat it. You have made it this far. And you are still fighting it even though you may think that you are giving in. Think about what has motivated you to get up in the morning and go to work? What has brought you here to write about yourself? It's the strengths/positive attribute within you. It's hope.

Think about what you held on to when you want to give up. What was it? Your family, job, dreams, etc?

You are not wasting my time. You are valued. Feel free to talk to me.

[alibear101]

You are definitely not pathetic hun! You seem like a really caring, sweet and sensitive person. I think that deep down somewhere inside of you, you really do want to try and live because otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. You need to take a hold of that feeling and keep it close to you. don't let it die. Now, you have all of us here on Teen Help to talk to. There is not one person that wouldn't want to help someone as amazing as you. Please PM me cuz I will always reply... <3 Stay strong beautiful

[Ella.x]

I took a bunch of co-codamol. Not enough to kill me, but enough to make me feel shaky and sick. I'm going to try and get an appointment with my doctor tomorrow after work to get some more antidepressants so I might mention the overdose/messed up hand when I'm there. I dunno, I doubt there's anything anyone can actually do for me. I don't want to waste NHS time/money unnecessarily.

[alibear101]

Originally Posted by Ella.x

I took a bunch of co-codamol. Not enough to kill me, but enough to make me feel shaky and sick. I'm going to try and get an appointment with my doctor tomorrow after work to get some more antidepressants so I might mention the overdose/messed up hand when I'm there. I dunno, I doubt there's anything anyone can actually do for me. I don't want to waste NHS time/money unnecessarily.

aw no! Why would you do that hun? you have so much to live for. You should call 911 because I don't want something to go wrong okay? Its good that you are going to see the doctor. He/she will help you get whatever you need. You definitely should mention it, he will be able to recommend something whether its stronger antidepressants or maybe even going to stay in a health ward for a week or two just to get you away from things. Something i did when I first tried to commit suicide was after I went to a adolescent mental health unit. no cell phones, no computers or iPods. it really helped me to get away from what was causing me so much pain and get back on my feet. maybe you would benefit from a vacation somewhere for a weekend? I dunno

[Venenum]

Ella. I couldn't stop myself from replying, may it be curiosity or something else. You're still young, but wounded like nothing I've seen. You say that you don't know why you feel like you do. You are implying that everything is more important than yourself, than your own life. You got to let someone in, open the gates so to speak. You got to know that people love you, a lot of people. And these people will not realize how much before it's too late. When you have lost, you truly admire possession as it is.

You can't keep doing things like you do to yourself.
It is your life, and your choice to live, or not.

If your choice is to die and be no more. Remember. We only truly appreciate what we haven't. The answer is simply to live or die, nothing in between.

To swim against the stream, you need something at the end. Something to look forward to. Life isn't what is inside us, it's our surrounding. If you kill yourself, your surrounding will die as well.

[Ghost On The Highway]

Originally Posted by Venenum

The answer is simply to live or die, nothing in between.

Wonderful post in all, but this could not be further from the truth.

[blumemusik♫]

Ella I am so sorry that you feel this way, but I promise you, death is not the way out.

@Ghost, it sounds as if you are encouraging her to kill herself, and that is not allowed on this webiste. You should try to explain to her why to live.


Hang in there Ella, it'll all work out <3

[**Theresa**]

Hey

I am sorry that you are feeling this way, but this is only a going to last for a couple of days but i and everyone else doesnt want you to leave or do anything to hurt your self... You are a beatuiful and very smart person

I am here if you need to talk

[Ella.x]

I don't see how dying of starvation can be peaceful, or why you would bring food and water with you if you're planning on starving yourself? Either way, it's not the method I would choose unless I absolutely had to (for example, I was in prison and had no access to anything to kill myself with).
I'm feeling slightly more calm now after taking the co-codamol. None of my problems seem like they're gonna get better any time soon. Money, lack of friends, unstable job, mental health spiralling downwards, car constantly breaking down, stressful job, childhood abuse coming back to haunt me, did I mention money problems? I can't be dealing with this. I'll go to work tomorrow and try to get an appointment with my doctor, but I'm not holding out much hope.

[Ghost On The Highway]

This way, when you realize that you have a reason to live, you can decide to live instead of die. Kate, I'm not encouraging her to die, I'm encouraging her to face the prospect of death straight on with the female equivalent of brass balls, and in so doing, realize that life is worth living after all.

[Ghost On The Highway]

And I'm not suggesting she actually try it!

[Ella.x]

Yeah, fuck that. I'm gonna kill myself in a non agonising way, thanks mate. Just because someone wants to die, doesn't mean they want to die in a slow, painful, drawn out way. the prospect of shooting yourself probably seems unreal because you're not suicidal. Fuck it. No-one can help me. I'm done.

[Venenum]

Your life, your decision. It's sad. Sad for us, sad for everybody you know.

Many friends I know has tried to kill themselves, because they feel awful because a friend of theirs killed herself.
It's a variation of The Captain Goes With The Ship-scenario.

[JellyBean4986]

I'm really sorry you feel so bad right now. It really sucks to hit rock bottom and want to kill yourself. But when you think about it. If you've hit rock bottom, things can't get anyworse. You've held on for over a day, which means your stronger then you think you are. At this point things can only get better. Maybe not alot better all at once. But over time things will at least be more bearable. You might not not know the people on here in person, but just by looking at all of their messages I can tell they love you and really care about you. I know you in pain, but I also know from some of what you said that you care about other people too. You didn't want to go to your mom because you don't want to stress her out....but losing a child is something that not only will hurt her, it will break her...she'll never be the same again. I'm sure she would rather have you talk to her now, then have something happen to you, because the stress of you being gone, and her knowing she maybe could have helped you, or should have known, or should have stopped you some how, will torment her till the day she dies. I know you don't want that. Your not a waste of anyone's time, and just by saying or thinking that will make you feel worse. There are things you can do or say to yourself that will help what your feeling more bearable. It might sound cheesy, but just smiling in the mirror or repeating to yourself that "your a good person" can help change your mind set a little, at least until you can talk to a doctor/therapist. Is there anything you enjoy doing, like watching movies? coloring? somtimes the best thing to do is to just keep yourself as busy as possible. you could try doing things that you enjoy or once enjoyed. I know its hard, and its a long road, but you can make it. There's people here willing to help you, and who care about you. Keep that in mind. <3

[bitesize]

Hey Ella, did you manage to get the appointment?? x

[Ella.x]

The first appointment I can get is tomorrow. I'm feeling better now from overdosing, dunno why but it's almost like cutting for me. I actually managed to get up at 5.30am to go to work. Definately need to find a better way of coping with my emotions though, since I feel sick as a dog from the pills and have bruises on my neck from trying to hang myself. Still, only 6 days till my appointment with my social worker, hopefully she'll have some ideas on how to fix my messed up mind
Thanks for all the concern guys, sorry for being a bitch towards the end of this thread.

[chickenonsteroids]

Well done to you well done on getting up for work and getting the appointment

its a step in the right direction and I really do hope you get better

Keep us updated

[The_Princess]

Ella, I'm so so so so glad you didn't go through with it and are going to get help, I read all of your posts till the end and I kept hoping "Hold on Ella, don't do it!!" By this point I cant say anything that hasn't already been said, but I'm soooooo glad you are alive! PM me if you need ANYTHING!!!

[Total Light Storm]

Hey Ella,

It's great you were able to get the appointment! That's a step towards making things better for yourself. It's great you're reaching out to the people that can help you and that care about you. That takes a lot of courage and strength and I'm so glad you found that strength and courage within yourself!

[bitesize]

That's really good, I'm proud of you. (: Let us know how things work out!!Take care.xx