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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Name: Haley
Age: 29
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Location: Somewhere over the rainbow.

Posts: 94
Join Date: February 23rd 2009

Why me? - March 19th 2009, 02:04 PM

Okay so I know everybody says this from time to time, but why does it seem nothing good EVER happens to me?

Basically, I feel really rubbish right now. Well, for the past few years of my teenage life I'd say I've felt rubbish. First of all, I know I'm not a bad person. I don't say or do things to hurt people, it's not how I work, so why do bad things happen to me?

I went to high school, with a handful of friends. The "popular" girls tried to talk to me as they were in my class, but I didn't like them. They talked about the other people in our class really mean, so I stopped sitting with them. Soon after, I was getting threats via MSN and the internet. They used to shout things at me in school, calling things like fat etc, even though I wasn't ever fat. This has seriously damaged my self-esteem, and I've been left with the impression I am fat an ugly. Well, I am, but still. I really an unattractive, but why? Especially when these mean girls were all so beautiful. Why does the world work this way? Anyway, all through high school I was miserable. I lost my friends too, due to no fault of my own. I then got in with the wrong crowd, going out smoking, drinking, having sex and taking drugs. This makes me seem like a bad person, but i only done it to have friends and fit in. Anyway, even now I don't have any friends. I have people in college, but now they're extremely rude and call me hurtful names ALL the time. Now I'm skipping college. My parents don't know anything about this.

The thing is, I don't get on with my parents so I can't exactly talk to them. My other family (siblings etc) have all moved far away, and even abroad. I don't see them now, which is also getting me down. None of my family like me, they think I'm weird. My mum has an inkling that I'm gay(which I am) and she is extremely homophobic. She is disappointed in me, and makes this very clear constantly. She says she just wishes I was normal, like her friends daughters. I wish this too, I don't like being me. Infact I think it's safe to say I hate me.

There are 3 things that make me feel better. Body mods, My girlfriend and music. The thing is though, I can't get tattoos in certain places. I have varicose veins, and stretch marks, another thing I don't understand. Why did I get these? I was never fat. I see these absolutely obese people walking around, being able to show off their arms, which are perfectly normal, whereas I cannot. How is this fair? Why did it happen to me? I didn't deserve it, that's for sure. I can't wear nice clothes because of this, and nobody understands it. I also have acne, bad acne. My back is absolutely hideous, therefore I can't wear nice clothes because of this either. My girlfriend is sick of how sad I get over stupid things, but she doesn't realise what I've been through. My skin on my face is also a joke. I have bags under my eyes and spots, which make me look hideous. I look like a proper junkie. Now, moving onto music. I love music. It's how I escape reality. I play various instruments, and I'm pretty good. Although, I have nobody to practice with. Nobody I know wants to even give me a chance to be in a band with them, even though I KNOW for a fact I could do it, and I would love it. it would help me so much.

Anyway, this is long enough. I just had to let this out.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Why me? - March 19th 2009, 02:49 PM

Hey. (: I know it must seem like bad things are coming from all angles right now but just hang in there. Things can, and will get better. There are bad people in this world. They do bad things to all of us and unfortunately, that cannot be avoided. It's just the way the world works. But the important thing is, that we can't let those losers get us down. YOU can't let them hate yourself! There are enough people in this world that will make you feel bad about yourself, you don't need to do that also. Just hold your head high and walk right past those idiots who try to make you feel worthless. THEY are the ones with problems, not you. If you let them get to you, then they win. You don't want them to win. Don't let them! Fight and show the world you can't be beaten. =]
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
newbie552 Offline
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Re: Why me? - March 20th 2009, 02:22 AM

i agree with Nicola there, i know how it feels to think that there is nothing going for you but you need to hold on

You're amazing just the way you are
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Kiddo Offline
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Age: 28
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Re: Why me? - March 20th 2009, 02:28 AM

Hey, sorry to here things are like this.

I know how you feel, the "beautiful people" can be so ugly sometimes. You've just gotta remember that no one can make you feel bad about yourself unless you let them.
There's no such thing as being "normal" so don't even try that! All you can be is yourself and people will eventually respect you a whole lot more for that. You're closing in on adulthood, only a couple more years and you can be free to live the life you want without parents/peers judging you. So just hold on.
These physical flaws you talk about aren't really flaws at all, I personally would be more likely to talk to someone with a few "battle scars" rather than someone who looks like they've been up since 4am making themself "beautiful". It's just a question of confindence, which is something that you'll most likely acquire.

I guess what I'm saying is hold on. These supposed "best years of your life" can be pretty shit, but you sound mature and hopefully the people around will catch up soon!
For the time being, focus on those things that make you happy. Music is a great way to get your feelings out, you don't need a band to be a good musician. Go it alone! You get full creative control and you can say exactly what you want to say. You could even see if there are any open mic nights near you to get your stuff out there.

Anyways, hope that jelped in some way....I tend to ramble too much.
Stay cool.
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Not a n00b
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Name: Haley
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Location: Somewhere over the rainbow.

Posts: 94
Join Date: February 23rd 2009

Re: Why me? - March 23rd 2009, 10:48 PM

Okay so a little update here.

The friends I have are now ignoring me, for NO reason what so ever. I am completely alone. My girlfriend is acting weird, not like her usual cheery self. I don't think she can cope with me being sad about general stuff in life, but she's the one who asks me if everything is ok, then complains when I don't go on to spill out all my problems. I'm feeling so guilty right now, mainly because I'm gay and I know my parents will be so disappointed. No wait, not my parents, my WHOLE family.

The way I'm acting right now disgusts me. Here I am, wasting my life complaining about feeling like shit, while there are millions of people out there dying, who deserve life so much more than what I do.
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