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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Masquerade. Offline
C'est la vie. ♥

I can't get enough
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Name: Sammi
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It Doesn't End, Does It? - September 25th 2011, 04:54 AM

I'm so full of self-loathing right now. I've been in this black hole for about a month now, but it's really hit me in the past few days. I'm breaking down in front of my mentor now when I should be staying strong. I'm showing my hand a lot more than I would like. I'm getting hurt by the littlest things again. All I can think of is finding releases. Honestly, I hate myself. I'm disgusted by my life. I'm just tired of living here, but at the same time, I know I can't leave. Not yet anyways. UGH.



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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Antihero
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Re: It Doesn't End, Does It? - September 25th 2011, 01:15 PM

No, it doesn't end, but it gets better and it's something we can deal with. Why do you hate yourself? There's nothing wrong with needing help, seeking relief or opening up.



The neon burns a hole in the night, and the Freon burns a hole in the sky.
You can find my kind living right on the fault line, eyes on the seaside, lives on the B-side, kites on the power lines.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Masquerade. Offline
C'est la vie. ♥

I can't get enough
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Name: Sammi
Age: 20
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Location: IRAW.

Posts: 2,743
Join Date: July 19th 2011

Re: It Doesn't End, Does It? - September 25th 2011, 09:48 PM

Hmmm, why do I hate myself? I feel like I can't do anything right. I'm a burden and a let-down to the people around me. My dad reminds me pretty constantly that I'm not what he wanted. How can I not think poorly about myself?

And I know there's nothing wrong with opening up to people, but it's not something I'm comfortable with. For some reason, it's easier for me to open up on TH than it is to open up to the people that are a big part of my life. Maybe it's because I have to see them on a daily basis. I'm not sure. Either way, I'm used to keeping things to myself.



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Re: It Doesn't End, Does It? - September 25th 2011, 09:55 PM

Hey there,

Unfortunately it doesn't end, but there are positive ways forward and it WILL get better. I know it's quite hard but opening up is the only way things will get better and you will benefit from it if you seek that help. It seems as though you need all the support you can get right now It will be hard at times and there will be times where things may seem to be getting really really tough, but I believe you can pull through it. You have us guys at TH for advice and support as well.
You can PM me anytime if you need to chat, I'd be more than happy to listen and support/advise you in any way I can.

Take care.
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: It Doesn't End, Does It? - September 26th 2011, 01:53 AM

I can understand the feeling of being a let-down/burden to your parents. I had to leave school last semester because the words on the blackboard just didn't make sense -- I'd forgotten things I'd learned just the semester before. I'm on a cocktail of horrible drugs now, but at least I can focus, and I feel that I have to keep on going not to be a failure. My parents have supported me the whole way, but I just feel like a burden all the time.

Letting others into those deep, dark facets of your psyche is scary. Not only might they reject you, leaving you utterly alone, but they might spread rumors about you and humiliate you publicly. Fortunately, there are others who understand and who will do everything in their power to help you overcome this.



The neon burns a hole in the night, and the Freon burns a hole in the sky.
You can find my kind living right on the fault line, eyes on the seaside, lives on the B-side, kites on the power lines.
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
Masquerade. Offline
C'est la vie. ♥

I can't get enough
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Name: Sammi
Age: 20
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Location: IRAW.

Posts: 2,743
Join Date: July 19th 2011

Re: It Doesn't End, Does It? - September 26th 2011, 02:33 AM

That really put everything I'm feeling into perfect words. I'm really glad you understand. It's nice having that for a change. Let me tell you this though: drugs won't help you. I've been there and it's only a temporary numbness. Don't get me wrong. I've thought about going back, but it's not worth the downward spiral. For now, I guess I just have to keep on pushing. My church mentor is forcing me to "stay strong." What's even the true definition of strength? I'm starting to feel like it's just getting myself through the day without having a meltdown.



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Re: It Doesn't End, Does It? - September 27th 2011, 03:49 AM

You're probably right that drugs won't help me in the long run, I'm just trying to stay alive and well until a better solution comes along. I'm trying to eat right, cut back on drinking, exercise, manage my diabetes well, etc. Hopefully all that will help me keep sane. The weird thing is I really don't have much reason to be depressed, I just believe that the person I become when I lose my "normal" self is a worthless piece of shit.



The neon burns a hole in the night, and the Freon burns a hole in the sky.
You can find my kind living right on the fault line, eyes on the seaside, lives on the B-side, kites on the power lines.
   
  (#8 (permalink)) Old
Antihero
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Re: It Doesn't End, Does It? - September 27th 2011, 03:53 AM

Strength is whatever it needs to be, it's different for all of us. For me, it's overcoming my own problems, forgetting about myself for a minute, and focusing on what I can do to help others who've seen the same hell.



The neon burns a hole in the night, and the Freon burns a hole in the sky.
You can find my kind living right on the fault line, eyes on the seaside, lives on the B-side, kites on the power lines.
   
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
Masquerade. Offline
C'est la vie. ♥

I can't get enough
*********
 
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Name: Sammi
Age: 20
Gender: Female
Location: IRAW.

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Join Date: July 19th 2011

Re: It Doesn't End, Does It? - September 28th 2011, 12:41 AM

I like the way you think. Do you mind if I quote you on the strength thing?
Oh, and what do you consider to be your "normal" self?



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  (#10 (permalink)) Old
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Re: It Doesn't End, Does It? - September 28th 2011, 01:36 AM

Not at all

My normal self is the person who is typing this now, and also the person I used to be before all this started. Clear, focused, passionate, caring, intelligent, and maybe a little materialistic My abnormal self is the piece of shit I become from time to time: Indolent, sullen, detached and numb yet afraid, relying on handouts, either insomniac or narcoleptic, greedy and unappreciative. That's why I take the meds, to avoid becoming "that guy" again.



The neon burns a hole in the night, and the Freon burns a hole in the sky.
You can find my kind living right on the fault line, eyes on the seaside, lives on the B-side, kites on the power lines.
   
  (#11 (permalink)) Old
Masquerade. Offline
C'est la vie. ♥

I can't get enough
*********
 
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Name: Sammi
Age: 20
Gender: Female
Location: IRAW.

Posts: 2,743
Join Date: July 19th 2011

Re: It Doesn't End, Does It? - September 30th 2011, 02:00 AM

Interesting. You remind me a lot of myself.



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