Triggering (Suicide): Meaningless

[BlueWolf]

So I managed to battle through last night, but I'm getting hit twice as hard this morning and I know it's going to keep getting worse from here. My life situation is anything but ideal, but I know that at it could still be worse. I feel so worthless it hurts just to move. I usually don't have continuous depressive symptoms like this, I have more of mood swings and such, so this is very hard because it is not going away. Normally when I start feeling like this I start panicing until I am over it, but not this time. I feel so strange. My body feels so heavy it hurts to move, but so hollow at the same time. I really am having a hard time finding why I want to be here. I think of all the simple things and life and think... who gives a fuck? I don't care. Those things do not change the way I feel or the pain of anyone else. Everyone has something that makes life important to them.

I've been trying to get in contact with my friends. Something has happened to throw this already awful state into depseration. Of course, all my friends are busy with other friends and far away at college. I got voicemails and I don't have time for this answers. My family is not here. I'm basically a reject. My boyfriend was everything but if you read my posts you know we have problems and even recently broke up for quite awhile until yesterday. We both have psychiatric problems going on and are trying our best to be supportive, but I keep telling myself I can't keep staying with him. I've been keeping a distance from him, but I was talking to him on the phone yesterday and he was telling me how everything can change and I was telling him how idk what is wrong with me (I am having serve medical health problems currently) and he just kept telling me he wasn't going anywhere. Then, he said his mom needed him and got off the phone. I called back and heard him yelling at her. I asked what happened and he just told me she hit him which wouldn't be the first time. He said his mom was calling the police on him. Apparently, I called back right at the end of whatever was happening. I then heard his conversation with his dad after he told me to hold on. I heard him telling his dad what happened and that his mom struck him in the face and he tried to fend her off, and she mistook it for an attack. His dad then told him he would drive him out of the house and get him away from her, but my boyfriend said he wanted the police to come because he wanted to report her for hitting him because he was tired of it. However, I never heard from him again. Yupp, he is in jail with charges pressed for battery and I'm sitting here like... WHAT? So he is in deep shit and of course the court won't believe him. Parent over child and female over male in court. I hate it, and I know all too well how it works.

Anyway, now the point is, I have to go to work soon and I don't have anything left in me to go. I don't have anyone anymore. I feel worthless. I'm so tired of suffering everyday. And now the only reason that kept me going is probably gone for a very long time. I talk to him constantly and now I just let my thoughts race and block out as much emotion as possible. I don't know what to do. I just hate the world, hate everything. I don't want to be in such a fucked up place! How much more do I have to fucking take before I end up killing myself? It's so tempting right now, I honestly am not sure what I am going to do, but I know I must do something. I can't take anymore. I'm crumbling.

[Thirteen]

I think you should contact your therapist for an emergency appointment if you can, or your psych. Obviously, things are getting difficult, and they would know best what they can do to help you through it. Hell, you might feel better talking to the therapist, even if over the phone, just because you've always seemed fond of her.

Keep pushing, Jess. It will get better, we both know this.

[BlueWolf]

It won't, and there is no way to contact her. In fact, she is leaving the place where I was going and I am transitioning to see someone else. I do not see them until Friday and they will just tell me if it is an emergancy to call 911.

Why would I call 911 if I want to die? They would stop me. I'm not staying alive like this. I'm giving it a few days to see what will happen. I'm holding onto little hope, but it seems like there is not any. Everything is contantly getting worse and without him or my best friends I fucking refuse to be here.

[Thirteen]

I'm sure you'll pull through it, though. I mean, you've been able to encounter problems before. It took a lot out of you, but you managed to pull through. You're stronger than this.

[BlueWolf]

Yeah, but things have never been this tough. Sure, I have a job. A job I can barely do without falling apart from anxiety. I am staying with my aunt and constantly on my toes here. It's tough staying here and my mom is with my grandfather hoping she gets a job soon, but it doesn't look like it. Now my dad doesn't have a job either once again and is back to not talking to me. I am literally living day to day just trying to get by. And on top of everything else, I have not heard from my boyfriend in almost 48 hours. It's a record in the past year and a half. If I don't get him out myself, he is going to be there for an extreamely long time. He is the only one who has ever stopped me. I haven't truly attempted since I've been with him, and only because he's always been there. Now, nothing is holding me back and as things continue to get worse... it's only a matter of time and at best I can wait a few days, probably just out of desperation to talk to him or for something to change, but it is highly unlikely, and by then, I won't be here. I can't do this alone. Nor will I even try anymore.

[alibear101]

Hey there. I am so sorry for everything you are going through right now. you are a pretty amazing girl for being able to stick through all this. Your boyfriend is lucky to have you. It appears that this is a really rough time for you and I would suggest calling your psychiatrist for an emergency meeting. He/she will be able to help you sort through your feelings and see whats going on. I'm so sorry for whats going on with your boyfriend. I had a friend who was charged with sexual assault and the girl was just making it up to get attention. it was heartbreaking to watch what he had to go through because he didn't do anything wrong. I want you to know that you always have me available to be your friend. I would gladly take those other people's places, clearly they don't know what an amazing girl you are and how much you need them right now. If you want to talk don't hesitate to message me. I'll reply pretty quickly as i am on here 3 or 4 times everyday. You are such a strong girl for getting through all this and i know that in the end it will work for your benefit. Stay strong <3

[Missmaggie55]

Hey there,

I can hear your pain through your words and I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been in a similar place before and I can tell you that I am so happy to be alive today. Depression has a way of masking the good and making everything seem horrible. Suicidal thoughts occur when the pain we are experiencing outweighs the coping resources we have. Totally understandable. The thing is, these thoughts are temporary as is everything. Nothing is forever in life. We have two choices when these thoughts occur: 1. Reduce our pain and suffering. 2. Increase our coping resources.

Exercise is a great way to relieve pain and so is dancing. Journaling how you're feeling is something that helped me tremendously. I stopped depending on others to make me happy and started focusing on ME. I'd ask myself questions and wait for my authentic self to answer them. Questions like, "Who do you admire?" "What is something you would love to accomplish?" "Where would you like to visit, live, explore?"

Life on Earth can be anything you want it to be! It took me awhile to realize that and I want to help YOU realize that. It can be incredible if you want it to. Focus on your dreams and who you are. There is so much you can do and will do with your life! People need you to share your strenghts and skills. They need your laughter. We all need eachother. So fight through this fight and come out shining your brilliance!! Once you do, life will become a festival of lights and laughter! I promise.

I'm always here if you need to chat or want to share your thoughts.