Non-PG13 (Strong Language): The child prodigy

[Ghost On The Highway]

First off, I'd like to thank everyone on here who continues to read and comment on my rants, and especially those who send me VM's and PM's. Y'all are keeping me going, if not going strong. If you need anything at all, I'm happy to help however I can, just let me know and I'll be there. I'm a teenager at heart, for better or (most times) for worse.

Seems like every year around this time a ton of bricks falls from that awful, cloudy, rainy sky and hits me square on the head. I cry, I sleep all the time, stop exercising, I can't concentrate, can't form coherent sentences, etc. I'm on effexor, on lamictal, take omegas, vitamins, eat well, don't drink too much, use a light box etc. Basically I do everything I can to not feel like shit, but I still do. Every time I return to uni from a break I feel more stressed, more drained, and more "down."

It wasn't always this way. I used to be a child prodigy. Not to be vain, as is my custom, but I was the fuckin' man until age 14. I was a better artist, writer, mathematician, etc. than damn near everyone I knew. In high school I was top of the class, and I got into a great university. That's just how it was...I was blessed with great book smarts and pretty good street smarts as well. God doesn't endow us with the best of all things, as well he shouldn't -- we'd all be conceited, self-absorbed bastards if he did. So he gave me a shitty emotional intelligence and a neurotic complex to rival Billy Bibbit from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

But I made do. Two for three isn't bad, right? I focused on my work, on having fun with the few friends I had, and on building my future.

Fast forward to now. Now I'm 1 for 3. I'm an average student, still have my wits about me most of the time, and still have the emotional intelligence of a nervous 13 year old. I'm still a virgin, broke up with my only girlfriend (if you can even call her that) not long ago. I don't remember the vast majority of my life experiences, especially my childhood. My friends are preoccupied with "getting ahead" and don't make time for me anymore. The friends I used to have at work have all quit. I still meet new people, but they come and go like flies, or at best, stray cats. So it's just me, "the bed and the books and the rotary phone." Welcome to Hell, please take a number for service.

[Ghost On The Highway]

I'm running out of options. The doctors can't help me and the list of "people who care" is dwindling by the day. I feel like I forgot to take my medication for the past week, but I've been taking it every day. My mind feels like it's shredding into pieces. I can't live like this, I can't be a burden on those I love, I can't be a parasite, growing old, watching my parents die unhappy, taking their money and their joy, ostracized by society. Does this even make sense? Fuck, I need some xanax right now. Or maybe some cyanide.

[*Learningtobreathe*]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xz32I...1&feature=fvwp
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

[*Learningtobreathe*]

i'm here...... and i don't plan on going anywhere. PLEASE, HOLD ON! i will always be here for you. BE STRONG.

[Ghost On The Highway]

I'll try. I'm feeling a little better now, God knows why. I just thought that maybe, with medication, therapy, diet, and everything I could beat this. I guess that's not the case. It's a downward spiral -- when I feel this way I start failing my classes, have a lot of trouble with relationships, risk losing my job, etc. And that just makes me feel so much worse.

But I'm not going anywhere just yet. I'll be here in the morning, safe in the knowledge that there's good in my heart alongside the flaws and the broken mind.

[*Learningtobreathe*]

thank you. just hold on a little longer, for me? please? you are an amazing smart, beautiful, caring, awesome person. you are better than this. you can beat this. i know you can. text me anytime of day. i'm here for you. ALWAYS I LOVE YOU.

[BDF]

I think everyone can dig a little deeper and pull it out of themselves. Everyone includes you. It's not a question of holding on, that's never enough, and isn't self-sustainable. It's a question of you actually doing something with yourself, something that you can be proud of, something that encourages you to do more. It might even involve ditching what you're currently doing, and refocusing your goals. They're some big choices, and lots of people cower away from them, feeling more secure to stick to the life they've pretty much had laid out for them by elders, and in general by the system.

Is there anything you have a passion for? That's where you should aim, and I'm sure people will help you, at least on here. And as you persevere you'l find more people with similar ambitions that you share more in common with.