I quit

[Ella.x]

taking my pills. Anitdepressants, blood pressure meds, I'm not taking any of them. There was a screwup at the pharmacy and they gave me too many pills so after several phonecalls from them begging me to bring the meds back, I did and told them to shove the pills up their arse coz I'm not taking them anymore and spent the next 15 minutes having the pharmacist trying to persuade me to take them. In the end, I lied and told him I'd take them just so he'd shut up. It's too expensive to be on all these meds. I'm going to be miserable whether or not I take my antidepressants and my kidneys are going to fail whether or not I control my blood pressure so what is the point? I'm just wasting money.

Also, my social worker and me agreed that I have to go the next 2 weeks without cutting myself, which is clearly never going to happen. I can tell she's getting pissed off with me anyway because I'm so defensive. She thinks I have borderline personality disorder, but I don't know whether I've actually been diagnosed with it or not because no-one tells me anything.

Feeling pretty suicidal right now, but honestly, I feel suicidal prettymuch all of the time nowadays anyway. I'm so sick of feeling like this. I want to feel better now, not in several years time. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I'm thinking about just cutting contact with my mental health team and running away. I don't want to have to deal with this.

[Ghost On The Highway]

I feel the same way sometimes (hell, most of the time). It sucks to have your money tied up in drugs that may or may not even be helping you, and might even hurt you in the long run. I'm allowed to remain on my parents' insurance until I graduate, otherwise I'd probably do the same thing you did. I feel like I'm going to be enslaved once I have to pay for this stuff myself, especially since I need my insulin to survive. I can't just pull a Chris McCandless and move to Alaska, Eli Lilly owns my soul.

I don't know much about the situation in England, but in the U.S. popping pills is pretty much the national pastime. We eat shitty food and don't exercise, and then spend the money we could have used to eat right on drugs, while complaining that we can't afford healthy food. Stupid.

Honestly, it feels a little trite to say "I hope you feel better soon," but I really do . You're a good person and you deserve better than this. It sounds like perhaps you just need some people around you who really care. Just sucks that finding such people is easier said than done.

[Ella.x]

Thankyou for your support. I'm just feeling so trapped by all of this. I feel like it's all some government plot to keep us doped up on pills that have horrible withdrawal effects so that we don't complain about the crap that capitalism throws at us. I'm going to have a horrible few days now without taking my meds, but hopefully the withdrawal effects will wear off quickly. I'm actually dreading the withdrawal. At least when I'm off all the pills, I'll be free.
Oh crap, I've just got my rota for next week and I only have 15 hours work - not nearly enough to survive on. At least I won't be paying for the meds, but I'm still screwed.

[JellyBean4986]

I get how frustrated you are hun. Its not easy feeling horrible and having to deal with mental health providers you don't want to deal with. They should be listening to you! Is there anyway you could see someone else? If not then you should really sit down and talk to them. Maybe if they know how fed up you are with everything they'll at least understand where your coming from and be able to offer you some support.

[Ella.x]

To be honest, everyone I've met has the same view and that's that I'm attention seeking and difficult, so anyone new is probably going to be the same because they're right. I am difficult, but I don't do it on purpose. I just can't say whats in my head, it doesn't work because everything is just such a mess and nothing comes out right. I really don't think there is any point in my life other than to let people walk all over me. I want out of this.

[Thirteen]

Ella, if they think you have Borderline Personality Disorder, perhaps they should re-assess you.

I say that because honestly, BPD is more known for being treated with DBT therapy than it is for being treated with meds. Medication can help SOME of the symptoms, but therapy is known as (as so far has been proven) the most useful tool in helping those with BPD.

Knowing this for sure, if you DO have BPD, you might be able to go with the DBT and get off the medications. So, it'd definitely benefit you (and the people working with you) if they re-assessed you to know what's wrong for sure, if they're having second thoughts.

[Ella.x]

I'm already on the waiting list for DBT, but it could be over a year until I actually get the therapy. I just wish they would tell me what my current diagnosis is. It's so patronising. All I can think about recently is running away to scotland so that I can self harm and drink and ruin my life in peace. I'm torn between wanting help and wanting to die.

[Ghost On The Highway]

Originally Posted by Ella.x

I am difficult, but I don't do it on purpose. I just can't say whats in my head, it doesn't work because everything is just such a mess and nothing comes out right.

Ugh I hate that feeling. Whenever I try to apologize to someone I love or even just talk about my problems/depression I can't -- I always end up just saying something completely cliche or half-assed. Writing it down helps but just seems less sincere to me.

[Thirteen]

Yeah, I was put on a waiting list before behind 6 people (but with a shitty therapist who I ended up not seeing), so it sucks.

Can you schedule any emergency appointments with your mental health team? Also, you probably DO have a right to look at your file, and/or see your diagnosis. So perhaps see the doctor for now, and they can help you figure out what they can do to help?

Part of you wants help, so may as well follow that part. Especially since, well, if you have BPD, it gets better. Usually, the 20's are the worst for BPD and Anxiety (I have both, so I know. ), and it has a good chance of getting better into your 30's, at least.

[Ella.x]

I don't want to bother anyone by asking for an emergency appointment, it's not like there's really anything they can do that would improve things by seeing me. I feel so embarrassed that I take up so much funding and time when there's people out there who could benefit from the help that I'm receiving.
I'd forgotten how crap the withdrawal from duloxetine is. My face is tingling, my hands are shaky, I feel sick, it feel like someone is sending electric shocks through my brain. I really don't feel up to going to work this evening, but I need the money and it's been a couple of days without meds now, so the withdrawal effects should start going away soon. I'm starting to feel pretty anxious again, but I think that might just be because I got my wage slip through today and I'm still on the wrong tax code and so I don't know how I'm going to pay my bills this month.
My mood is all over the place too. I keep switching from wanting to kill myself, to applying for courses at uni and being really optimistic and energetic. I don't know what's worse, being hooked on antidepressants and spending loads of money on them, or being so unstable? I feel completely unhinged. I really hope this is just some crazy effect from stopping my meds so suddenly.

[Ghost On The Highway]

Yeah, cold turkey (both the bird and the means of quitting) sucks. Hope you feel relief soon Ella. SNRI withdrawal is no joke.