Just need to vent again

[BlackswordSteve]

I posted here a long time ago.....now I'm back.

No need to worry, I'm not on the verge of commiting suicide (yet). I just need to vent some things and maybe have someone to talk to.

Anyways, here I am again. Depressed, scared, and thoughts of suicide in my head. This is the third time I've gone through a phase like this. I've come to the realization that I've just been going through one mental breakdown to another, and everything in between is just coasting and wishful thinking. Each time I'd tell myself I'd overcome my fears, and live a more productive, fufilling life. And each time it never happens, and an overwhelming sense of futility takes over, and I end up like this.

I can never set any goals for myself. Everytime I try, something inside me gives up before even really trying, no matter how much I believe in it.

I'm scared to death about getting a job. A lot of that is because of my social anxiety, but my depression also kind of mixes in with it because each time I think about it, it just feels so....hopeless. Just the thought of having a job makes me miserable, which is a huge problem considering I've just been sitting at home for months since I graduated high shcool. I'm gonna run out of money eventually, and I'll need a job, but for whatever twisted reason my mind thinks about suicide before it thinks about having a steady job. Everytime I get asked if I have a job yet, I always end up saying "not yet, but I'm looking", which isn't true.

One thing that's been scaring me recently is that its starting to feel a little like I'm a bad person. I've let a lot of people down because of my various issues over the years, and in general it feels like I always choose being scared instead of biting the bullet and dealing with reality. But the worst thing is knowing that I let down my boyfriend, who is pretty much the most important thing to me, when I choose fear over him. I did this months ago during my high school graduation when I told myself that I would go up there on stage even though I was scared, and that I'd do it for him. Long story short, I didn't, and I don't think I've ever really forgiven myself for that. So I look at my life, how I let lots of people down, how I never accomplish anything I set out to do, how I've just been sitting at home doing nothing productive, and it just makes me feel sick.

I'm getting really tired of all this....I don't know how many more of these "phases" I can handle.

[California]

Hey Steve, I read your post and I don't think your a bad person at all social anxiety can be a serious thing for some people, its nothing to make you think down upon your self. You are free to message me my friend I'd be more then happy to help you out or just listen if you want to vent.

-California

[BlackswordSteve]

Thanks for replying, and for the offer to message you. Might need to do that sometime soon with the way things are going.

[Ghost On The Highway]

A job can help, or it can hurt. My first job was in food service, and I wanted to kill my managers and myself. My jobs now are photography and "being cashiered" and while I obviously like the former more, the latter isn't so bad. Whether you like a job or not really depends on your personality. I took an awesome assessment that rated my attributes in order of their value to me: Social, aesthetic, theoretical, utilitarian, and traditional. It actually helped me understand my career path a lot. For example, I will be miserable in any job that values quantity of work over quality, that involves little human interaction or interaction with douchebags, or that involves no advancement in terms of rank, skills gained, or knowledge.