Severe loneliness means I'm wasting my teenage years

EmilyLottie · 10:31 PM

Even though I feel sick of the world and everybody in it, loneliness is a feeling which many people can relate to, and if I tell you how I feel then maybe somehow I won't be as lonely as I truly believe I am. Maybe I can find comfort in sharing my lonliness with someone else who is going through a similar situation at a similar time in their life. Even though all I am essentially doing is ranting on about my own self centred little problems which in 10 year's time will probably seem ridiculously unimportant, right now I am deeply unhappy. It may be down to teenage hormones or whatever. I just need to vent my frustrations with life and I hope that you would be kind enough to read on and let me knoe if you are experiencing anything similar.

I used to have a great group of friends but when I entered into the sixth form they all moved on to other schools, made new friends and slowly but steadily forgot about me. I've always been extrememly shy from a young age but when I was around my friends it seemed to give me more confidence to be myself. I fully expected that we would all drift apart a bit once we joined new schools but I never thought that they would all forget about me completely. They gradually stopped contacting me and lost interest altogether and instead got on with their new exciting lives with new friends.

In my case however, I remained where I was. Stuck in a rut. Stewing in my own stagnant, sour air. Sitting in my room every eveing, every weekend, every school holiday, staring at the same 4 walls, knowing that everone else my age is probably out having fun. Knowing that there must be something wrong with me. Still attending the same school, not bothering to make new friends. It seemed easier to me to just hide away in a corner than to make the effort to put myself out there and approach new people. All the stress and pressure of making new friends- I couldn't deal with it. Will they like me? What do they really think of me? Do they like me tagging along with them? Am I getting in their way? What's wrong with me? Why can't I just be normal and get along with normal, nice people? Why can't my anxiety go away? Why can't I just relax and be friendly like everyone else? Why do I have this barrier which stops me from approaching people and from others approaching me? WHY WON'T THIS LONLINESS GO AWAY?

My typical school day now consists of not talking to anyone apart from teachers if they ask me a question, and spending my lunch break in a secluded area in the library alone, starving hungry for something to eat but too scared to approach people to sit and eat lunch with them. I have this feeling of being terrified of talking to people, for fear of what they might think of me. A kind of phobia. It's like the shyness overrules everything else- it's all you are aware of and it controls how you behave. Well that's how i feel anyway- I don't know about othe people. I feel like I'm not totally in control of my brain or my actions. Inside I'm really a fun, friendly, interesting person who can't break out of this cage of shyness and anxiety which dominates everything else.

I'm about to turn 18, and this prospect scares me immensely. It kind of signifies the prime of my life, the age at which I should be happiest, having the most carefree fun on the brink of adulthood before life gets serious and sad. But the lonlieness I feel makes it seem as though I am wasting what should be the happiest time of my life. I'll never be this young or innocent again. Teenage years are supposedly meant to be the happiest of your life. Whilst other 'normal' people my age go out to parties, have boyfirends/girfriends and sieze every opputunity to have fun and make the most of their teenage years i feel like I have frozen in the little bubble that is my bedroom and I can't move forward in my life. It's even affecting other aspects of my life. Whilst everyone else passes their driving test, I have no motivation even to start my first lesson. I've lost interest in schoolwork, even though I get good grades. I'm scared of going places by myself. I rely on my mum to take me out. It's like I'm a little kid all over again. My self esteem is non existent. I've no confidence to do anything, no drive. I'm starting to fall into a deep depression.
Everything is starting to slip through my fingers and there is no one to reach out to to help me.

It's wierd- although I've never spoken to anyone about any of this before, telling a complete stranger my inner feelings doesn't scare me in the slightest. Because I know that like other lonely people reading this all I need is just for someone to listen. Just someone to talk to.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and listen to my lonely little rant. I hope that someone will reply so that i am not quite so lonely

Complete Love.

Hey Emiley,

I know just how you feel.. I wanna let you know that You're not alone. I moved 4 times in my high school education and am currently a senior. Because I moved so much I didnt have a single friend. I didn't do any school activities cause I have no one to spend them with. Loneliness is an expected effect of that. It's hard to make friends especially in high school when everyone stick to there Cliques that they've made. This is What i did and what i would suggest you to do is try asking one person in your class if you can spend lunch with them. If that seems too hard, start off by asking her name and eventually ask, can I be with you during lunch.. I'm sure they won't mind. Don't look down on yourself, your a very friendly and potential person. Friends is not the only thing that makes us who we are. Infact after high school you may be better off then they will.

you are very special!!! Don't give in to those lies, you're perfect just the way you are!!!

Pandaloo

Emily,

Reading this, I felt like I was reading my OWN story. I have felt just the same as you, and I do still feel lonely although I have progressed a bit now.

I was friendless for a long while, the friend group that I was part of, I pushed away. I had an antisocial phase, bit depressed, just a teenage thing. So I pushed people away, huge mistake, because I felt extremely lonely and was too scared to reach out.

Now I started sixth form college several weeks ago, before I started I was very scared. I decided to finally step up and try and make friends, I didn't want to be alone. Few weeks on and I've settled in okay. I am too shy to be hugely popular, but I don't want that. I'd rather sit at home chatting to a good friend on Facebook than to be out drinking. Anyways, I didn't change myself to make friends or push myself onto people. I just tried to be more confident.

Honestly, I notice that when I'm in a good mood, i talk to people more. Try to indulge in feel good activites, and you might feel more relaxed and less nervous about talking. Talking on here helps too! I know online friends arent physically there but they help to build self esteem.

anyways my laptop battery is running out, ill check back sometime, youre not alone, stay strong!

Complete Love.

I hope you feel better

PM me anytime/anywhere/about anything ,

we'll be here for you

(I know this is off topic but super cool smileys

Pandaloo)

EmilyLottie

Thanks so much for your kind replies

I really want to try and make the daunting step of sitting with new people at lunchtimes, and I know that all the girls in my school are friendly and nice it's just that they have all been friends for years and I know I wouldn't be able to get the feeling out of my mind that I am just butting in and being an inconvenience.

I've only got a couple of terms left until I leave school altogether and I can't wait to leave everything behind and reinvent myself as a confident person. When I start at college hopefully socialising will seem so much easier because everyone is in the same boat. I think I've just found things so difficult because I am surrounded by all these people with long established friendships and cliques.

Hopefully if I can just push through the next couple of months all the lonliness will be forgotten when I have the opputunity to make new friends and have a fresh start. It kind of seems too late now for me to make friends at my current school. Or maybe I've just lost interest altogether with my school and everybody in it.

But thanks again for your support, it feels so much better to know that other people are going throigh what I am, and are managing to accept it and start to build more confidence.

Pandaloo

Honestly no problem, I know how it feels so I can relate.

I get what you mean about feeling like you are "butting in" on friend groups! But don't worry, if you feel okay, try to talk a little more. Some people are really kind and they'll invite you to lunch or for a chat.

About moving on to reinvent yourself, that's a pretty good idea. It's certinely what I did when I started college. I didn't change myself, I just found my confidence and made a fresh start on friendships. Now I pretty much just mingle around with different friend groups, and I feel very confident.

Of course, no matter how lonely you feel at school, you can always chat to us! I try to come on here as often as I can but drop me a message if you'd like.

Let me know how things go!

(And thank you, Complete Love, hehe!)

Dream

You sound just like I was at 17.

It definitely is easier to find friends at college. That is what I did. I had absolutely no friends in high school and went most days without speaking, but in college I have more friends than I can handle. When you get there, you will need to try and push your limits to meet people. If you play a sport, that is usually a surefire way to make friends, but even if you don't you should be alright.

There might not be anything wrong with you; anyone will develop phobias and other mental issues if they are socially isolated, and high school is a socially isolating place. Just try to take care of yourself, exercise (which will help more than any medication ever could), eat right, and try to make friends with people outside of high school.

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk. I'll be your friend on here if you want.

thornrose

omg you know we're almost like twins! yeah im kinda depressed 2 now. long story short i pushed everyone away and now im damn lonely. at least lesson learned, right?

heathermc

i promise you aren't alone. i love you