before i lose my nerve

[makingmyway]

i am so screwed up right now, i need to write it all down.
im a 16 year old girl living in canada. i have a mom, a dad, and a brother. i live in a nice big house in the suburbs, and go to a catholic school. i have a ton of friends, and everyone seems to get along with me. im always told im funny, and easy to be around.

thats what everyone sees.

i am severely depressed, i have anxiety disorders, i hear voices inside my head, i hate myself, i try and change things about myself constantly, i have no religion or faith, i have no real, true friends, i have no interests in life, i spend my days alone and shut in, i distance myself from anything remotely serious or personal, i dont let anyone in, i lie, i cheat, i cry, i am overweight and ugly, ive never had a boyfriend or been kissed, im constantly made fun of, i dont have any talents, i feel uncomfortable around other people, i fight with my family constantly, i swear, my mom hates me right now, no one in my family wants to talk to me, im failing school.

i dont think you understand that i have nothing going for me. i dont... i have nothing. i fail at everything i do. my brother is the shinging star of the family. i recently told my parents about my depression. they spent a day trying to make me feel better, then got pissed when it didnt go away. so i pretended it did. if i looked sad, they got angry. so i gave up on the hope that there could be a way out. my mom puts me down constantly.

we just got into a fight. i shaved my eyebrows because im fucked up and do strange things to myself. i didnt shave them off, just... short. it was wierd. anyhow she called me out, and for somereason i lied and said i didnt touch them. now she hates me. legitemately. hates me.

what im feeling right now: cold. i want to leave, go somewhere far away. its a freeing thought. i could pack a backpack. i would bring an ipod with nothing but music on it. i would bring a water bottle. i would pack some food. i would bring all of my money, and steal some from my brother as well. i would pack a change of clothes and some underwear, and socks. i would NOT bring my phone. its too much of a temptation. i would write a note saying im sorry and leave it on the kitchen counter. i would dress warm. and then i would start walking. i dont know where i would go. i would prob just walk until it got dark, and then find a place to sleep. i would also bring a notebook and some pens. packing

[Machista]

Hey there, were kindof on the same boat. i have shut myself in my room for about 4 years (since i came out of school) cause i dont wanna see the face of my crushed one....it hurts i know.but thats not the point i come here.i came here cause i hear your pain and i understand it.Im curious why dont you have real true friends?im pretty sure you havnt found those friends yet.your negative sayings of yourself is just a part of what your mind wants you to be.try changing yourself.and nobody's ugly nor perfect.When you find the right person to be in your life who sees you beautiful for who you are,THATS the right boyfriend you should have.At your age its ok if you havnt been kissed,but i know you just need to feel loved.If ur made fun of just ignore them,or if ur the type that worries for what others see you as then change yourself(not suggested because by being accepted when you are being yourself is the way to go).Im sure you will find your talents one day . If you feel uncomfortable around others its because you are still really insecure of yourself,you need to accept yourself for who you are.and why do you fight with your family? and your mom wont hate you as in HATE hate.One can hate but one can love and hate too.She might be just not accepting that you shut yourself out of society prehaps?
Remember , TRUST is something important in life. Its easy to break,but it takes alot of effort into building a stable one.and dont do stuff to yourself because you got into a fight.it will just be.....another thing you do to yourself.And dont leave home. If ur still staying under the roof your parents/brother provide you,You are still accepted in the family and its not too late to change.So try and hold on to what you got now hope you can see what it is before its too late....

[runnaire]

Hey there...if you would like to talk (PM me) I'm open ears. I'm 17, live in New York.
This site is the only place I feel like I can talk to people without being judged face to face. Of course I will never be able to fully understand other people's problems, but I think it's nice to have someone to talk to when struggling with loneliness.
However, by reading your post I felt some similarities. For example, I have friends, but I feel so detached from them. No body opens up to me and I don't open up to anyone else. I too have never had a boyfriend or been kissed. I also struggle with anxiety/panic attacks.
I been self-harming for 4 years and nobody knows except the ones who read my post on this site. When I was 11 I told my mom I wasn't happy all the time, but she said that it is ok. Now I feel as if I am walking in a thick cloud of fog.
For some reason I feel like I am nearing my breaking point. I don't know what I will do, but it's been really difficult dealing with the painful thoughts.

Keep hanging in there. I know it's hard. What I like to do is knit. I knit clothes and donate them to homeless shelters. It's really nice to see how thankful the people are for your kindness. And I also run. Running may not seem like fun, but don't run in competitions. Run for yourself. Say "Today I will run for 5 minutes straight" Once you do that you will feel so proud of yourself. Next day make it 7 minutes. Running is healthy and all you need is sneakers.