So Confused

[BlueWolf]

I have a lot going on, and I am in a very bad financial situation. However, I do have a job, that pays just barely enough for me to get through school. I also actually enjoy my job, so there's no problem with it and I feel lucky to have it. Also, my new meds are WORKING. Well... when I actually remember to take them, and only with my panic attacks. But any relief is wonderful. I also made things up with my boyfriend and we are back together. Oh, and my dad called. The same dad that has been refusing to talk to me. Turns out, he can get me a job where I can support myself and more. Yeah, this job will pay A LOT. So what's the problem?

IF I take this job, I will have to give up my current job that I enjoy doing, move to another state which means leaving my friends and my boyfriend (who I am extreamely dependant on and obsessive over), will have to put college off for a year (I won't have time for it), and have to pay out of state fees when I finally do go back (I am wanting to go to a certain school in this state with an AMAZING program so I can live my DREAM). Now, it's not so easy. I am satisfied with where I am at, other than my financial situation, I mean, more so than I was and will be if I move. Right now, I don't even have to stay with my bitchy mom. I get to stay with my aunt who I get along with well enough. However, the living arrangements are temperary, and I have other bills to pay soon that I cannot pay for with my current job including my car insurance. No car insurance means I can't drive to my job in the first place. Luckily, I have cheap car insurance and I hope to work a seasonal job to put money away for it when the time comes, but it's all luck and chance staying here.

Another flip side. My boyfriend has a working interview next week for a good job. A self-supporting job and has a house to live in that his parents own. It's a rental house that they let him use since it is just sitting there. I see an opportunity here and so does he considering we want to move in together within the next year. But, passing up on the job my dad could get me would be a huge risk because nothing is set in stone.

It's really a roll of the dice.

The next thing, is that my depression and everything else is not getting any better. I am able to control my panic attacks (when I take my medication), but I am still a wreck. My body is physically falling apart and my doctor says with as bad of physical shape I am in and with my awful anxiety, she wouldn't be surprised if I had a heart attack and died. It's really serious. And I get so impulsive when I am upset. The other day (I forgot to take my meds) I paniced just thinking about this huge decision I have to make and started strangling myself out of fear, trying to get a grip of myself. If you ever feel like a puppet and you have ever had to fight your own body for control, you know what I mean. Anyway, I have bruises around my neck and scratches as well from it. So I don't know if I can emotionally handle such a huge transition. I don't handle change well at all, and all of this so suddenly may have a bad effect.

My counselor and doctor want me to stay in a hospital for intensive care for awhile, but they won't force me for the sole reason that if I am forced against my will again, it will make me worse. That's what I have been told from multiple people. Instead, I am seen at the counseling center a couple times a week. The doctor wants to make sure I'm still around...

So, any advice? I am thinking this sudden change is too much and it is not in my best interest for me, but at the same time, I need the money so bad. I don't know what is best for me, and sadly, I always need reassurance with everything I do. Also, what do you guys think about me going to the hopsital for awhile? I might be able to go for free too since it is in my contract with the center I go to. I'm not sure what to do at all. It's hard enough to just keep myself from falling apart over the smallest things.

[Thirteen]

Well, if you're happy (or at least, more happy than you were) with where you're at right now, I suggest staying where you're at. I mean, if your job covers your expenses, things are going well with Asabe, he's on a good track to getting a job, and he could get a place (which, I know is another thing you've been worried about, with your current living situation being more temporary), then you only have the mental health stuff to worry about.

Are you still doing DBT? Has your psych tried any new anti-depressants? There are options left for your mental health, and talking to the psych (and the therapist too) about trying a different medication and keeping with your therapy would probably be better than having you hospitalized, since everything else is going fairly well right now it seems. Can you set an alarm, or get a dry-erase board to remind you to take your medications?

I suggest trying to talk about better ideas to help you with the Depression, and the forgetting of pills, considering that other things are going well, and being put in the hospital might hinder school, work, etc.