Triggering: I shamelessly lied to my teacher (really long)

[Haunted]

yes, I did and yes, I regret it.

He's my tutor and, since I don't know if tutors do the same things in the Uk or in the Usa or anywhere else, I will explain: here a tutor is a teacher who is supposed to look after you and help you if you have problems with some subjects.

My tutor is my Italian teacher.
Today he asked me some questions about school and why I was getting so many bad marks. He asked me if I had something on my mind or if there was something going on in my family.

I have talked about my parents a lot, but I can't help it. They are the only reason why I am here trying to get help.
So, this is my situation (not the worst ever, but I suffer a lot).

MY MOTHER: thinks that the only important thing in life is school; she shouts at me if I tell her that I'm fed up with school; she doesn't care if I cry, she just watches me cry and doesn't do anything; she doesn't support me and when I first told her that I wanted to be a singer she forgot it and after a week she said "hey, I can't remember everything!"; she gets angry if I get bad marks (& that's right) and she doesn't care if I take 9/10 or 10/10 in a subject I find difficult [for example: yesterday I got 9 in my maths test (I find maths really difficult) and all she said was "good"]; she doesn't accept that I am different from the girl she wants me to be; she's the most narrow-minded person I know; she wants me to be who she wants me to be; she thinks I'm always wrong and she gets angry with me if I think I'm right and I support my ideas. I think that's all.

MY FATHER: only looks at what my sister does: she's amazing at playing the drums, she's good at sports, she'd be a great dancer if she liked dancing, she'll be a drummer, she'll be a politician, she'll be a musician, her voice is amazing etc.. and obviously she is like him, perfect in everything; I'm the girl that can't play any kind of sport, that can dance quite well, that never plays and that sometimes sings and he says that right before my eyes, knowing that I love music more than anything else in life; I'm always wrong; I can't express my opinion because he would answer "shut the fuck up! I didn't ask you to talk!"; he's not supportive too.

I have thought of running away from home more than once and right now I feel like breaking down everything that's around me and escape from my life.
I have already planned to change my surname and start a new life when I'll be 18 or older (at least if things don't get better).
I've been self-harming for 4 months and I have thought of suicide 3 times in 5 months. I fear everything in life and I fear myself too. I feel lost and I don't know who I am anymore. I know it's normal for teenagers to feel lost but for me it's different. I was a girl who loved life, I always felt like I could make it and I felt loved and alive, but it all changed after I came back "home" after my holiday. Since that day I feel empty, worthless and sometimes I just feel like giving up with everything. I hate my school and I am always afraid of being by myself, even just for 5 minutes because when I was 13 I was the person who was always left out of groups in my class. My best friend and one of my classmates make fun of me when they're together with no reason. They are just joking but it hurts: they call me loser and then laugh at the joke they just said. At first I found it funny but they don't understand when they need to stop, so eventually I always get hurt. My teachers tell me I'm a good girl and people tell me I'm pretty but I am always wondering "if I'm that beautiful, why am I always left out and no guy has ever liked me? Not even a little bit?". It's not important, but I feel lonely and I think I'm not enough for anything or anyone. I feel like I'm only a burden and I can't stand things anymore. I hate my school and I never want to get out of bed in the morning because I am afraid of what is waiting for me out there. Sometimes i just want to disappear and never appear again. I bet no one would notice I'm not there except for 3 of my friends and my sister (the only reasons why I keep going).

That's all that has been on my mind for these 5 months...
...and all I could say to my tutor was "it's alright, just sometimes my mom only thinks of school. And sometimes I feel sad for no reason, but it gets better after a few days. Nothing important".

I feel so guilty! I sould have told him about everything, I know, but I can't trust him, I don't even know why.
I feel so helpless..

Thank you if you read it all... please help me.

[FillingWithHope]

It is normal to feel this way. When you go through hard times you can't help but make sure people think that your okay in essence maybe you'll start believing it. I'm sorry to hear about this but I think you should try to find someone you trust. Plus, if you can't trust your tutor then maybe it was a good idea not to tell him because you never know what the outcome could be. Just stay strong and don't worry about the lie, it is normal to keep stuff like this in. Stay strong!

[*Learningtobreathe*]

it's not normal to feel this way. but lying to you teacher, thts normal, i lied to my teacher too. its ok to not be entirely truthful all the time. but its not ok to lie about important things that could save ur life, like SH and suicidal thoughts darling. IF HE ASKS AGAIN AND SEEMS GENUINELY CONCERNED YOU WILL HAVE TO TELL HIM. HE CAN HELP DARLING. BUT IF U DON'T TRUST HIM, DON'T TELL. IDK SWEETIE.