am i depressed? i don't even know my own feelings.

[KaoEd-Ran]

Well. I might as well explain everything. Sorry in advance for the life story.

When i was 11, I met a guy and developed a crush on him, first crush, no biggie, it didn't go anywhere.
he moved away and i haven't seen him again to this day (even though our dads contact each other every now and then) I was a little torn up about it, paired with losing my two only friends who i grew up with led me to a pretty dark pit. I didn't fall into depression, but i neared it. thoughts of suicide at a young age.. not cool.

anyway, back in January (this is me, 12-13ish years old) I met two girls and we got on really well, it was like i'd slowly climbed my way out of that dark pit and finally reached level ground. it was amazing.
so we hung out a bit, i had a few problems with them being way more perverted than i am, but i just ignored it and tried to stay as innocent as i could. meanwhile, my dad's business was starting and he met up with my first crush's dad about it, of course, he mentions it around the dinner table and i'm reminded of him. i start having monthly dreams about him. i'm not even joking, it was always around the 14th-20th of every month spanning from june to september. nothing weird or anything, in the dreams, we were just really good friends. back to the two girls i met in january, a few things happened over the internet, they showed thier true colours of being bitches and i broke ties with them. great. no friends again.

I felt like i had jumped back to square one. just lost my only friends, my first crush had been brought back to my mind, only this time, i was prepared. i was determined not to fall into that dark emotional pit again.
that didn't go to plan as much as i'd have liked.

my mother has seasonal affective disorder, or, S.A.D. it has heavy genes, my older sister has started showing signs and i know i'll get it too. that's one of my worries.

we're moving to the other side of the world in three years, not only will this be the first time i'll ever move house that i can remember, but it's so far away and i'll be going to school for the first time in my life. that's another one of my worries.

i can't ever seem to get my first crush out of my head now, its been so long and i thought, since it never got past the 'i like you' stage, i would have forgotten by now. another worry.

then there's just the everyday worries like 'there's no way anyone could possibly be this dumb' and 'my drawings are terrible, anyone who tells me it's good is just humouring me' and 'i know this imaginary friend is my mind's way of dealing with loneliness, there's no way he's real and he can't tell me what to do, still, should i make him go away? no. then i'll be completely alone, i don't want to be alone. but i don't want to be called crazy. i'll just not tell anyone. but i don't like keeping secrets. i don't know what to do.'

I sometimes wonder if i am depressed, but then i think that i couldn't be depressed, someone would have noticed by now. but then i burst into tears after dropping a pencil sharpener and decide to go rant on teenhelp.

[Ghost On The Highway]

Wait you're only 13? You seem much older from your writing. "Seasonally facilitated depression" as I call it, is tough sometimes. I have it worse than anyone I know, and it's literally debilitating. Most people don't get it this bad though, and a lot depends on drug use, eating habits, exercise, sun exposure, etc. After having it for several years now, it is nice to be able to say "come May, I'll feel better." I'm happy to talk about S.A.D. if you want.

Moving I can't really help with, sorry. I've lived in friggin Michigan all my life, can't wait to leave. I did go to school in Nashville for a while, and aside from being 1000 miles from my parents it was okay. Not easy, but having family around would have helped greatly.

The easiest way to forget a crush is to date someone if at all possible. Even if he's not the "coolest guy," as long as he's honest and caring. I had a crush on a super popular girl in high school, the kind that would say she loved everybody and always gave me compliments, joked around, flirted, etc. I was bitter about her rejection for years until I met someone else, now I don't care at all. I still think about my first crush though, from middle school. I don't even know if she's still alive, she had a lot of problems back then.

Hope this helps,
Jay

[KaoEd-Ran]

Ahaha, yeah, I'm only 13 ^^

S.A.D is one of the reasons we're moving. Sunnier climate, less depression. I just know that, with the past few winters being difficult, the next three years are going to be even more so, especially since my older sister is starting to become depressed in the winter as well as my mother, my father comes off as angry sometimes and my older brother gets irritable a lot, I feel like I should be the one trying to keep us afloat emotionally and that's difficult when these worries keep cropping up.

It's really difficult to meet anyone since I've been home-educated most of my life and the village I live in isn't great so I don't get out much. That and I'm religious, so I have to be careful and to be honest, I think I'm too young for a relationship in the first place.

In a way, moving and going to high school would probably be the best option, there's just always those childish worries about new schools. I'll be 16 when we move, that would leave around two more years of school and there's a large chance I'll be starting school in the middle of term so everyone will know each other already.

Thanks for replying anyway, it helps a lot ^^

[FillingWithHope]

That is very difficult. I would just suggest joining activies that interest you and meeting friends that way. with S.A.D that is very hard but at least you will be able to expect it and maybe even accept it sooner. With moving it is really hard but i would just think of it as a good experience, opening new doors to your life and finding out different cultures. Good Luck! I do no think you are depressed though, your just going through some hard times but in your writing i can tell your very strong!

[ronymajani]

Well first I don't think you are depressed, your just going threw a "mid-life crisis".
First you must move on and learn to move on by forgetting about your crush because you're still young and there will be lots of guys out there who would satisfy you (maybe even more than him) and you'll have the guts to ask them out or they'll ask you out.
And put in mind that if he was interested in you he wouldn't have asked you in the first place so clearly he isn't worth you crying over because I'm sure you'll find a more caring and loving guy. Second of all not having friends is a serious issue you should at least have contact with you're old friends by emailing them and stuff and you should focus on making new friends and meeting new people and 11 is a young age to start dating but now I guess is a more suitable time. And I doubt you'll have SAD as long as you keep your mind straight and keep thinking positive about yourself you'll be OK and you don't need an imaginary friend cause your not alone, don't forget that your not the only one in this world and you can make cyber friends using FaceBook, MySpace, Yahoo, MSN, and even teenhelp.org and never let yourself feel like your alone and don't convince yourself that you are depressed and that there is no hope just put a goal in your life.
Even if you don't have good friends that doesn't mean that you're hopeless just spend your time working on your skills and find your ambition and work on your paintings as you mentioned instead of worrying about whether or not you're life is depressed and if you are going to see him again and focus on you let the world revolve around you and don't be the comet that just passes by and people don't care about. For your sake be you not sad cause you couldn't be part of someone who doesn't respect you's life, but when it comes to friends the world revolves around all of you not just you remember that and think about what you want and put your mind to it and you'll get it (not everything like love and stuff) as for love some people don't fall in love or have a boyfriend until college or even after that. Hope this helps.
Sincerely RNY.M the new teenhelp.org unemployed mentor
By the way if you want a friend to talk to email me anytime at ronymajani1@gmail.com or ronymajani@hotmail.com and it's OK you could use a friend and I'm 14 so one year difference anyway once gain hope this helps. PS. your not depressed and you're a brave girl for facing an early mid-life crisis kind of situation in your age (though a teen version).

[KaoEd-Ran]

I figured I should give you guys an update, I had a horrible day, I won't go into details as most of it is personal but I got a chance to talk to my mother and we think I'm starting to get S.A.D, it's an actual illness with strong genetics so I'm not surprised.

This means I have to keep busy, as I've managed to demonstrate throughout today, if I don't keep my mind busy, I'll start crying. depressing, right?
I even resorted to trying to spell Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis on my mobile while on a car journey, funnily enough, I was only one letter off spelling it right.

I think the S.A.D has been bringing the depressing parts of my past to the surface, and that's that I guess, I don't think I'll completely forget him, but It sure doesn't bother me anymore.

Honestly, moving and going to school for the first time doesn't bother me now as much as it bothered me when I made this thread, we actually got our visa granted last Thursday and now I'm quite excited to get out of this gloomy country.

Anyway, now I know the general reason why I'm so sad and what to do to keep myself from a meltdown, I deem it necessary to say that I'm gonna be okay come spring, in other words, problem solved ^^