High Expectations

[XjuxtapositionX]

I apologize in advance if this seems to ramble on, but I just need to let some things out.

Okay first of all, to put it bluntly, I'm smart in school. Now, I don't want to sound arrogant/stuck up at any point in this, I'm just stating it how I see it. I've gotten an 'A' on every report card for every 9 week period my entire life except 1, but it was .1 away from an A. I went to a private school until last year (8th grade) and am now at my public high school in the gifted program.

My father set me up with learning programs when I was about 2 years old. When I finished one he went out and bought a higher one. I finished the "5th grade" one in kindergarten. My teachers have noted to my parents about my abilities and I had a tutoring secession about once a week during the school day. It was usually on mathematics, my strongest subject. This continued until 4th grade. Also, my classmates have made comments like "Hey what did you get on the test? Oh wait never mind, let me guess a 100?" Now I feel good about these comments, but I also feel pressure from them. I feel like everyone I know has a view of me as an extremely good person, not just academic, but personality and social-wise and I have to live up to that.

Now my parents have never put any pressure on me, nor have any other family members or friends. I am pretty much the sole source of my pressure. I feel because I have performed at a high level, that I need to stay at that level and get better. I've put enormous amounts of pressure/stress on myself because of this. I've set goals for myself and told myself that I need to achieve them. I can't fail. I wouldn't accept myself. So far I have, getting 4.0's and valedictorian at my private school. But I fear the day I might not. These goals are:

• Valedictorian at private and public school.
• Obtain the highest GPA possible consistently.
• Take the hardest/highest level classes as possible.
• Join the Mensa Society or the highest IQ society I can join.
• Be accepted by an Ivy League School.
• Get offered a full ride scholarship on academics.
• Obtain a PhD in whatever field of study I choose (Leaning toward Criminology)

Now, on the outside, I look like a typical freshmen in high school, but I just feel like there is a constant weight on my shoulders. I get ashamed of myself and borderline depressed for even small things at school. For example getting a 91% or even a 99% on a test. A 91% being a B, I see that grade for me and it sickens me. I just want to leave and not come back. Same thing for a 99%. I feel like I have to live up to perfection, but I know it isn't possible. Around people, I put on the persona for everyone, acting happy and doing what is expected, but when I am alone I just feel so depressed.

I have cut myself a few times in the past, but I am over it now really. Now, this may sound strange or ridiculous, but now I just punch myself. I punch myself repeatedly until it hurts. I feel so sickened by myself. I can't bear to think about it.

Thanks for anyone who read this. Again, I just needed to let this out, its been eating at me for forever.

[Dream]

I was the same way, but I got one B+ and therefore was not valedictorian. And then I didn't get into the college I wanted, and the one I did go to crushed my hopes and dreams, which were not in touch with reality anyway.

It is good to do good, but you have to realize that at some point you just get taken advantage of, so instead you need to focus on yourself and not care if you aren't completely perfect (which, by the way, becomes increasingly difficult as you go up the ranks). Ph.D.s are a type of disposable labor, and that is 5-7 years of your life that you could have put toward something else (not to mention what comes afterward). Ivy League is (to a large extent though not absolutely) pretentious and elitist. Full rides are hard enough to get, especially in Ivy League where everyone else has perfect everything (or at least their papers say so).

You can't treat yourself just like an object in this way with such high pressure, or you will go crazy eventually. What you need to do is figure out what you really want and how that may or may not be different from being perfect due to feeling insecure. Figure out what you value. I never took pleasure out of making straight As in all honors and AP classes; I only felt horrible when I didn't achieve those things.

Mensa might be a good experience- IDK because I never joined due to scheduling issues with the test in my city.

This might be of interest, but maybe not:
http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/716875

Okay, article didn't link. Search:
Superior Academic Performance Linked to Increased Risk for Bipolar Disorder

[XxFateFellShortxX]

I could never take the pressure... My parents think I'm failing school when I'm actually one of the smartest people in my entire school, I'm graduating early even. And I've already gotten a college acceptance to 3 of my top choice schools. Despite how "smart" I am, I don't let my parents know because I can't take the pressure they already put on me. I have enough from people at school who know that I am, in fact, not failing. It's like everyone expects you to be completely perfect, right? To never have an off day, to always have all the answers and the advice and be able to help everyone, even when you don't know how to help yourself....

I know the feeling well. All the pressure is one of the things that triggered my self harm. My parents know that I am smart, they just think that I don't care about school and if that's the case, they shouldn't either...

If you ever want to vent and just let things out about anything, PM or IM me. I'll always reply and help you with whatever you need.