Triggering (Suicide): not sure why to bother

[moonstar]

I feel like I'm only living for the people who love me. I know that they do, and I wish I could stop wanting to do something so selfish. If I didn't know how it would kill my mum and other people then I think I would do it.

its not even that life is so very terrible, its just that when ever I think about getting up tomorrow I cant get past the whole why bother thing. I'm going to die anyway so why delay the inevitable? we spend our whole lives trying to earn enough money to survive and then we die anyway? we have children and spend years raising them to help them be good people with happy futures, and then they die. we live through all our family and friends dying, we spend our entire lives doing things we don't want to do; cooking, cleaning, working for that total witch, just to die one day. why bother?

for a while I was very depressed, and I would come home 3 or so days a week and just sit in the kitchen and cry for an hour or so. other days I would end up crying in toilet stalls, (some times I fell asleep in the stalls, which I have heard can be your mind's way of shutting down when you cant cope). I spent all my time thinking of death and wishing I could just go to sleep and never wake up.

My mum was brilliant through this and often just held me until I had finished crying. I felt very loved and I don't know if I could have coped without her. she will never truly know how much she means to me. but now that I have been okay/happy for a few months it feels like no one cares about me unless I am in full on break down mode. everything has kicked of with some family trouble and I feel like now that I am supposed to be an adult everyone expects me to be able to cope. but I cant. one day something will happen and I'm scared it will push me over the edge. what scares me the most is I am not scared of dying in the slightest, I am a little scared of the pain that would be in the process, but I don't know that it would be enough fear to stop me.

I am sorry to have posted something so long and depressing on my first post, but I really need some help. please help.

Thank you in advance.

Moonstar

[aqha]

I am sorry hun you feel like this but good job for posting it. It is very good to let your feelings out. Have you talked to friends or family about how you feel? I think that may help you since not sharing your feelings when you feel like this isn't good for you. Talking is the best way to cope in my opinion. Keep your chin up. Feel free to send me a message if you want to talk to someone.

[moonstar]

Thanks. I do feel allot better for posting this. I have written in my diary but I think knowing that people are going to see it actually take me seriously makes me feel a little less alone. I can cope as long as I am busy so I am going to go and get on with my day. but thank you, your message it makes me feel heard and that makes me feel less alone in this.