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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
SianLouise Offline
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Name: Sian Louise
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Unhappy inevitable. - December 20th 2011, 08:05 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I keep saying how happy i am..
Yet all i keep thinking is 'how should i kill myself' 'when should i kill myself'
do i just keep starving and hope that will do it for me?
what will i prove by doing this?
short answer nothing.. but its what i want so bad.
its inevitabley going to happen.. just a matter of when.
words arent always enough.. </3

   
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Re: inevitable. - December 20th 2011, 08:47 PM

Hey Sian,
I know it's so hard right now--I used to feel the same way, and still do sometimes--but I believe you not only want to get through it, but that you can get through it.
On your blog, you mentioned how you love to laugh and smile, and I don't think you really want to die--you just don't see it getting any easier and it just keeps feeling worse and so you've almost given up, deciding it would be easier to die than to keep trying anymore.
But you're here on this site, and you've posted on here, so obviously you're asking for some help because you don't truly want to die--you don't want to feel this way anymore, but you'd rather be happy than nothing.
Because of this, I think you're wrong--it's not inevitable, and it's not a question of when. It could be, if you don't talk to someone and let them know that you're struggling so hard to hang on right now, but I think you can talk to someone. You're so strong for going through so much and for caring about your family and putting them first, starving yourself rather than ending your pain more abruptly. However, I don't know who's been telling you that you're selfish, but they are sooo wrong--you are incredibly selfless and caring. You need to stop thinking about your family for a moment, though, and put yourself and your health first--go and talk to your doctor and tell them how you're feeling, let them know that you want to die and that you're not eating anymore. They will help you feel better, and trust me, it's soo worth it. You will be grateful one day for asking for help and choosing to live instead of starving yourself away.

I hope this helps, but I know, words aren't always enough. I'm here to talk or listen if you want, though -- you can PM me anytime. Just please don't think that killing yourself is the only option, because it's not. Hang in there--I know it's tough, but I know that you can make it


"Those 3 words are said too much, but not enough" <3
"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside while still alive. Never surrender."


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SianLouise Offline
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Re: inevitable. - December 21st 2011, 12:52 AM

Ive drank alot of water and threw up alot.. i should be okay.
But your right i dont want to die.. i want to be happy but for so long my happieness has been short lived and its soooo frustrating i just want to scream and shout..
im an ugly person so il probably continue to starve.. but i do need help.. its just where i am and with my family help isnt much of an option.. hence why im here.. but seriously thanks for that.. i needed that little bit of sense <3
   
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Re: inevitable. - December 21st 2011, 01:38 AM

You're welcome! I'm glad I could help some!
I'm really scared right now, though, because I just saw on your blog that you tried to OD--I really hope that when you said "Ive drank alot of water and threw up alot.. i should be okay," that you meant you threw up so the pills won't affect you anymore and you're going to be ok and not die now, right? Because I really do hope that's what you meant. If you're starving yourself and you think that's why you're going to be ok, then you're wrong--maybe you'll feel ok by being skinnier or by being closer to death, but you're going to be the complete opposite of ok. You will be a skeleton and you will be slowly killing yourself day by day by day. And by ODing, you're going to throw away any chance at ever being happy again and whoever finds you is going to be scarred for the rest of their life, never mind what it'll do to your family, which I know you said is a concern. Not to be too harsh, but that's kind of the point--the truth hurts. Don't paint some idyllic fantasy in your head of slowly drifting off into peace, because that's not what's going to happen.

As for "i want to be happy but for so long my happieness has been short lived and its soooo frustrating i just want to scream and shout.." I know what you mean--I feel this way all the time. But it's been less and less recently now that I've started talking to a counselor at my school. I swear, I was starting to go crazy from all the thoughts running through my head, every pain that I was trying to hide and every wish of being happy and every disappoint at not. But just talking to someone, letting it all out and getting the empathy and the recognition that what you're going through is unbearable--it's a feeling that I can't even really describe. It just feels good. It's motivational and inspiring, and after only one session I could already feel myself starting to heal a little bit. I know it seems so desperate and endless and hopeless right now and I know it's frustrating, but trust me, you haven't tried everything yet. I promise you, if you talk to your doctor or someone else--anyone else (and trust me, I know it can be difficult to talk to your family--I still haven't even told my family that I've been feeling depressed for 4ish years or that I'm going to see a counselor or anything), but if you just talk to someone, it changes everything for the better. It gives you a whole new array of options and tools to help yourself feel better. Please, promise yourself that you will go talk to someone tomorrow or even right now, because you deserve it and you will be so glad that you did.

http://www.teenhelp.org/albums/sianlouise/a2107-me../pic13927-last-year-my-face-fat-i-know-but-me/
And seriously?!!? Are you kidding me?! You're GORGEOUS!! Your face is not fat, it's beautiful, and I swear I'm not saying this to make you feel better, I'm saying this because it's what I truly believe and I want you to hear it. You have some real self-esteem issues, you know? My best friend (who is adorable and honestly has the best fashion sense) went through anorexia and bulimia and she has social OCD, so I know how much a person can hate themselves even when it's completely irrational. You don't see yourself very clearly, and I so wish that you could, because if you did, you would love yourself so much for who you are, because you're amazing. Please, go talk to your doctor or a counselor or a friend if you're having issues with your family and don't want to talk with them, but don't give up on yourself--you're more special than you realize and you deserve to be able to see that for yourself.

Sorry for writing so much--I just really had a lot I felt like I needed to say. Please take care of yourself!


"Those 3 words are said too much, but not enough" <3
"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside while still alive. Never surrender."


PM/VM me if you ever need someone to talk to or just want to chat (:
http://liveforthememories.tumblr.com/
   
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Hiraeth Offline
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Re: inevitable. - December 21st 2011, 01:52 AM

Dear Sian,

Thank you for having the courage to reach out. It is always a meaningful and worthwhile activity - as you have seen, your difficulties have touched several hearts already, and we all want to be here for you. Sometimes, when we feel that our pain is too much for us to handle, it is okay to reach out and ask for supportive energy to share the burden. So, please, do not ever hesitate to voice your thoughts and feelings on this forum. Despite the limitations of words, it is still possible for words to have great power - in this case, the power to heal and inspire.

Do you feel like sharing further on the situation with your parents and how reaching out to someone in real life would be difficult? Perhaps if we knew more, we can brainstorm how to get around whatever barriers they are posing, or look into strategies for coping and healing that don't necessarily require a professional.

It's important to remember, though, that healing is a process, not a destination. "Happiness" will, for some time in the process, be strong and weak in cycles. There may be many times where it will feel like a relapse into old habits and patterns - that is because those habits and patterns are very strongly ingrained into the mind - but we know we are walking in the right direction when, slowly, we see that our "low" periods are not as intense and enduring as they once were.

Lots of hugs,

k


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Feel free to PM me if you ever need anything.
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