Triggering (Abuse): I'm self destructive

[lookuptotheskies]

I've felt unhappy from a very young age and often harmed myself, both physically and emotionally. This started when I was 6 years old, I was bullied at the time but wouldn't like to say it's the reason for my destructive behaviour as a part of me knows it's my personality, I think I would have always been this way. After that I just got worse, I go through phases where I barely eat and then I snap out of it and sort of feel on track, but I'm always screaming at myself inside. I've cut myself and constantly tell myself how much of a disgusting person I am.

I was sexually abused between the ages of 12 and 14 by an older boy I knew, we didn't have sex but he used to make me let him touch me and I had to do the same to him. I tried to tell people but nobody believed what I was saying. Since then I've been even less able to controll my behaviour and I'm destroying the relationships I have with people. I had a best friend once and she was the closest to someone who could keep me stable for long periods of time, but we haven't seen each other for a few years now. I don't have a great relationship with my parents and it's just getting worse, I'm finding that I don't even want people around me anymore, at least not many.

The part I have the biggest problem getting my head around is my sexual feelings. I form attachments to people very easily and constantly get hurt because I want to be loved so much and nobody ever sees me in that way. I get pushed away and it makes me want fewer people around me but then there is someone else and it's a constant circle that is slowly shutting me in. I hate myself for it because I know there is something wrong with me. I'm pretty intelligent and I could do well but I focus on one thing and it's all I can think about, then I drop it and start something else. It's like I can never settle down and I know it's because I have noone who loves me for who I am. I need to do new things all the time because it distracts me and gives me hope. I'm not sure if I can ever be loved.

[Adele]

Ashley its so sad you feel this way. You know when I've been down before someone told me, there's always at least one person out there that loves you. I bet you are a beautiful girl, and I can already tell by the way you write you have a smart head on your shoulders. Life is what you make of it. I have similar issues I can relate to you on, I don't have photos and haven't been in at least one for three years and that was when I was forced and I avoid mirrors as much as possible. Although I can relate to you on that level, it's harder to appreciate what you must have gone through with everything else. My best friend was sexually abused as a kid, we both new the guy, and she never told me at the time. I've seen how its effected her and it's devastating but she is getting through. It's not the end for you, you can turn it around. Beauty is skin deep, try to focus on the good points, your a kind person, and caring ect. What helped me after losing my mum was to make a list of everything I wanted to do in my life. People call them bucket lists..
*I was told my mums cancer was hereditary and the odds are more than likely I would get it to. Being a Incurable type it changed my outlook.
By setting goals, especially ones out of your comfort zone it reminds you it's good to be alive. Places you want to go, things you want to see, tattoos, peircings, traveling.
The world will get you down if you let it, try to keep your chin up. Your perfect as you are, you may not see it but someone will and you will get through this. There's always someone out there that cares,

I'm not on here that often so sorry If I take a long time to reply, but if you ever want to message me your welcome too.*