Non-PG13 (Strong Language): there's something wrong

[Rooni3]

And I don't know what it is. I'll just write down my journal entry from 2 days ago.

"How long will this last?

Every other 5 minutes I feel fine, then the next I feel really low. I don't know how to control it. I have no idea what's wrong. I keep trying to figure it out or distract myself but there's no point in trying to escape your own mind. Even if I'm not thinking about it though, I still feel it. Its like a big painful lump in my throat that you feel when you swallow your emotions.

I just feel down for no reason I don't know what the fuck to do anymore!

I feel like I'm going to burst and spill all my entrails everywhere. I really want to have this figured out already, its getting old and I'm feeling so so SO down! Its so frustrating, I don't want to feel this way forever! And I hate feelings, they always screw up everything! Why can't things just go smoothly for once? I'm so sick in the head.
Even the therapist said I'm having some signs of depression, maybe I was right about myself.

But I should be happy, I have almost everything I've ever wanted. I should be happy. My feelings are just in the way.
"

It could be a result of a number of things;
-my sexuality, I just found out that I'm slightly bisexual
-my gf being suicidal, so I have to hold my breath everytime I'm not with her
-me loving her and not knowing how to make her happy or tell her
-my eating disorders
-my grades

Ummm..none of these things seem to have bothered me THIS much. I mean I've adressed and am dealing with every single problem and there's still something missing. I'm feeling like this dead, numb, and empty feeling all this and last week.

I'm not sure what to do. I can't talk to a therapist for two weeks or so and I really need some help.

Help?

[Xx.Shes.Unbroken.xX]

Hi Lena,

I just wanted to let you know, since you had 0 responses.. you could always go to HelpLINK (TeenHelp's Email System) and ask for help. That way you will always get more answers.

But, I'm sorry you feel that way. Depression is one of the worst feelings in the world. And, everyone thinks it's so easy to snap out of... it's not. But, do you have any one else you can talk to? A family member? Close friend? Sometimes, talking to someone you're close to can really help. Knowing someone cares can always make you feel a least a little better. That way you know you have someone to live for.

Also, you said you go back in 2 weeks. When you do go back... be completely honest. Tell him/her what you want from them, what may help you. And, ask to be put on an anti-depressant. Sometimes, they don't work though. So, if you feel any worse.. get help immediately. And, then talk to your therapist and try to get a better pill.

I know from experience that it's not easy. But, I got better by almost dying. And, hun.. dying is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And, I know you've probably heard that before.. maybe many times. But, think.. these problems, no matter how hard they may seem.. do get better. Like, the problems you had in the past that seemed like the world may end.. but, then they got better, right? You've got to think about what life would be like if something did happen to you. People would be upset, and you wouldn't get to see the better, and much brighter future ahead of you.

Here's a quote that gets me through tough times: "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." or "You've got to go through the hurricane to see the beautiful rainbow after.". The last one.. I'm not so sure how it goes. But, it's really close to that.

I really hope you feel better. If you ever need anyone to talk to, try HelpLINK or LiveHelp. Or, you can private message any of the staff, including me. We really don't mind helping. It's what we love to do. Stay strong.<3