End of me

[Babycakes]

Well, basically I came to these forums in hope for some help. I've been extremely depressed for the past 6 months or so. To give you an idea of where I'm coming from, I'll start by telling my story of why I believe I'm depressed and doing the things I do.

My name is Aiden and I live in Canada. I'm very shy, I don't have any friends and I keep to myself. I wish I was more out-going, but I just don't know how to be, I get lots of anxiety when meeting new people and I just freeze up. From as long as I can remember, I've always been the 'quiet guy'. Roughly 6 months ago I met this girl on an online game, we became great friends, and it turned out she lived 20 minutes away from me. We started hanging out and became very close to each other. At the time, she was suffering from depression. I did everything I could to try to make her feel better, but as I now know - as I myself am suffering from depression - nothing I said could have made her feel better. As we grew closer, I believe I fell in-love with her. She told me she had the same feelings for me, and things were going great. She was the only person who understood me, and accepted me for me. Being with her was the most amazing feeling I could have asked for. One day we were hanging out and she started getting extremely depressed and all I wanted to do was be by her side to make her feel better; I realize now that the only thing that would've made her feel better was to be alone. I suffocated her, and didn't give her enough space. I ruined our relationship by becoming very needy as she was my ONLY friend, and my only love. I felt like I had to be with her every second of every day. After that day, things went downhill. She didn't want to talk to me, and I kept pressuring her to talk to me. I was so caught up in my own emotions, that I didn't think about hers. I believe the downfall of our relationship is the main reason to my depression. It took me a very long time to 'get over' her. I dealt with my depression in many different ways, including self harm. Whilst being depressed from losing my first love and my best friend, I became even more depressed about every little thing. I started binge drinking to ease the emotional pain, as well as smoking marijuana heavily. All the painful emotions I put off with drugs and alcohol would pile back on my shoulders all at once as soon as I sobered up. I started cutting myself, and honestly, it made me feel a lot better for a short period of time. I soon became somewhat addicted to cutting myself as it was an escape from my life for a short time when I didn't have any weed or alcohol. I stopped working, I stopped going to school, I stopped doing everything period. I tried to make things better between us, but it only pushed us further apart. To be honest, I thought I got over her about a month back. And everything was going good, I started hanging out with my cousin, he introduced me to his friends, I met some new people, and things were going great. But randomly, a couple of weeks ago, I started thinking about her again. I tried talking to her, and we spoke for a while, and she informed me that she was still very depressed and she felt like killing herself. This put me on a big downfall, and I too became depressed once again. Now I can't stop thinking about her, and with drama in my family, and once again no friends, I'm once again depressed and back to cutting myself. It's not entirely because of her, but a lot of other drama that's been going on in my life since as long as I can remember. I could get into them, but I believe that this is the MAIN reason. Anyways, I've basically just had enough, I realize now that I do indeed need help. I went to my doctor a week back, and he gave me medications for depression, but I stopped taking them because they were making me sick. Everyday I feel like killing myself, I feel worthless, existing with no meaning. I don't have a job, I don't have friends, a girlfriend, a life. Every second of the day, I'm on the verge of crying. I can't look in the mirror and say one good thing about myself. I hate everything about me, and I really just want to die. Sometimes I'll just sit there for hours with the knife to my wrist pointed downwards thinking about it, I want to, but I don't have the guts to do it. I don't know what I hope to gain out of posting this, but I do know that it can't make things worse. For those of you who actually took the time to read this, thank you.

edit:

Honestly, I don't think I'll even make it as long as it takes for someone to reply. I've never felt this welcoming to death. I have a 24 case sitting beside me, I think I'm just going to get shit faced then do it. I don't have any other options. Hopefully I'll wake up in the morning, we'll see.

[Intoxicated Brutality]

Hey,
I understand things are really tough for you right now.
I probably won't be much help, and I see that you edited this post a few hours ago with your last statement. I sincerly hope you don't do anything drastic and see this.

Anyway. Things are very hard, when someone you're close to is depressed and suicidal. I went through similar situations with my best friend, and unfortunately I ended up losing her in the end, even though I did everything in my ability to try and help her. It sucks. I know it does. And I know it won't be easy, especially with her having told you that she's still depressed and suicidal, but try and be thankful that she is still alive. Things could be much worse.
I think the best thing you could possibly do, for her and yourself, would be to let her know you're sorry for how things went, you care about her a lot, and for her to contact you if she's willing to talk about things, because you want to help.
It won't be easy to tell her that, no. I know it won't. And with how you're feeling, it won't exactly feel great. But most times when someone feels like that, it helps just to know someone is there for you. You may not want to talk at the time, but it helps knowing you can if you change your mind.
I understand that you feel like things are really really bad right now. But please, keep fighting. Don't give up on your life over this. Things can and will get better for you with work. It won't happen overnight, but by taking it one step at a time they will.

I hope you're ok. Just try to keep your chin up, everything will be alright.

Please, please PM/VM/Add me sometime, I'd like to help you however I can.
Take care,
Nikki

[Babycakes]

Thanks for your reply and showing that you care. It appears I didn't go through with it. Guess I'm still all talk. I did end up with another half ass attempt. I tried texting an old old friend of mine late last night, and he sort of calmed me down a bit, kept me occupied so I wasn't thinking alone too much. I still feel just as bad as I did last night, but I really want her to be the last person I talk to if I do decide to do it. I hope she's okay with that.

[Amour ♡]

I know how this feels. I met someone online once and fell in love when I about 15. I made her feel terribly suffocated (I think so anyway), and I felt sort of like you did not long after. What I will say, is that I am always here for a chat and to listen. PM or VM whenever you wish, whenever I am around I will try my best to reply. You can do this; If someone like me can, I know by the sounds of it you'll be able to too. Chin up, and keep fighting. Trust me, it is worth it. xo

[Babycakes]

Originally Posted by Brighter

I know how this feels. I met someone online once and fell in love when I about 15. I made her feel terribly suffocated (I think so anyway), and I felt sort of like you did not long after. What I will say, is that I am always here for a chat and to listen. PM or VM whenever you wish, whenever I am around I will try my best to reply. You can do this; If someone like me can, I know by the sounds of it you'll be able to too. Chin up, and keep fighting. Trust me, it is worth it. xo

Thanks, I thought I could get over her, but the reality is, I don't want to. My life was nothing without her in it. When she was introduced into my life, I felt like a million dollars everyday. I took better care of myself, and felt a lot better about myself. She gave me confidence. Now that she's gone I feel worthless again. A lot more than I did before. It's been about 6 months, and I still think about her all the time, all the great memories we had. All the nights we spent cuddled up with each other. She made my life.

[Amour ♡]

Originally Posted by Babycakes

Thanks, I thought I could get over her, but the reality is, I don't want to. My life was nothing without her in it. When she was introduced into my life, I felt like a million dollars everyday. I took better care of myself, and felt a lot better about myself. She gave me confidence. Now that she's gone I feel worthless again. A lot more than I did before. It's been about 6 months, and I still think about her all the time, all the great memories we had. All the nights we spent cuddled up with each other. She made my life.

It took me about two years to fully get over my ex-girlfriend. A year to even think about it... It's gonna sound so cheesy and traditional, but there are more people out there (fish in the sea or whatever), and things will look up. I'm no mind reader or predicter, but that's generally how things go. Just don't give up and stay strong, as I said. Things will get better with time... Part of it is just accepting the fact what has happened has happened and starting to want to get over it. PM or anything if you like... x

[TheBabyEater]

Hey! Told you I'd respond eventually It may be really short now, but it's the thought that counts, eh?

I think a lot of your problems can be solved with a good attitude and some time! Give yourself a little patience, and try to keep yourself distracted with good things.

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