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Feeling pretty down. - December 31st 2011, 12:24 AM

Let me make it clear that I'd never physically harm myself, first and foremost. That scares me way too much.

I'm nineteen, and I feel hopeless.

I suffer with social anxiety problems. (For reference, I best fit the DSM IV criteria for avoidant personality disorder, but I've never been diagnosed by a professional, so I don't know if that's really what I have or not.) I began to self-isolate about four years ago, and today, I have no friends to speak of. I will ring in the new year asleep because I have no one to spend it with.

I have a boyfriend, but he lives very far away. We visit each other each summer and want to be together for good someday. I want to believe it will work out eventually... but sometimes I'm not so sure. Without his daily interactions, though, I think my life would be completely void of anything pleasant.

I live with my parents. My father doesn't care for anyone but himself and wouldn't know how to relate if he cared to. My mother is the type of person who won't help me with my sicknesses because I wasn't home to help her clean when she was sick with the flu. They're both bitter and angry. I probably am too.

Speaking of illness, my physical health is poor. I have Crohn's disease and a huge spectrum of allergies. I have been on medications constantly for many years, and it's always a battle to regulate them. My immune system is always either on fire or under fire, and so I also get colds, flus, and infections frequently. I suffer alone most of the time. If anyone notices, they don't care.

I'm lonely and fatigued. I frequently feel like crying. I think I've ended up with depression on top of everything else. And I don't know what to do. All I really have is my academic success, but even that feels hollow.

Someone once told me to see a therapist. I went to my university psychologist, and she told me I didn't need to come back because my appointment happened to be on a good day, one of the few I'd had in a while, and I seemed okay. Since then, I've been afraid to go back to her, and I don't know where else I could go.

I really just needed to vent. I know sitting here feeling sorry for myself won't do any good. Sick again and don't know what else to do. Sorry if I sound overly dramatic.

Any responses are appreciated.




I've never been afraid of the highest heights or afraid of flying high.
I've never been afraid of the wildest fights, not afraid of dying.

I guarantee you'll miss me, 'cause you changed the way you kiss me.
   
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Re: Feeling pretty down. - December 31st 2011, 01:01 AM

I know im not much of a help but just so you know your not alone at all. Im also lonely and tired, i know how it feels and im sorry that you have to deal with it. But why are you scared to go back to the therapist?
   
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Re: Feeling pretty down. - December 31st 2011, 07:35 PM

Thanks for that. Really, it's nice (well... not nice, but somewhat comforting) to know that someone gets it.

I lost a lot of faith in therapists when that one kind of just said, "Well, you seem fine. Run along now," when there were clearly problems that I didn't know how to handle myself. I know it's not ALL therapists, but... I kind of have problems with rejection. I've felt rejected my entire life, and it generalizes pretty quickly.




I've never been afraid of the highest heights or afraid of flying high.
I've never been afraid of the wildest fights, not afraid of dying.

I guarantee you'll miss me, 'cause you changed the way you kiss me.
   
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Re: Feeling pretty down. - January 1st 2012, 02:01 AM

Hey;

I understand how rejection feels; I feel it from my parents a LOT. But you have to understand that therapists, while they might have a degree, are HUMAN. Some of them are nasty, some are not. You just have to find the one that's right for you.

I understand what anxiety problems feel like; they're not fun. you just have to find your own special way of handling them. That's what's so hard about all of this..there's no one answer that will work for everyone. But there is an answer that'll work for you. I think a big part of life is finding it; it's easier for some people, harder for others.

Also; I've gone to my school counselor on a good day too. You just have to dig up the memories if you know they'll come back.


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