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Chey-Chey Offline
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Unhappy i just want it to end.... - December 31st 2011, 09:57 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

i only have one person i can REALLY tell everything to. and i just got into a fight with him. i've been suicidal/depressed/self harmed/anorexic/etc for a long time. and everythime i think im doing good, i plumet further down than i've ever been before. i hate my life. i hate my family. i just really want to kill myself.....i don't think i've gona a whole day without thinking about suicide for at least 2 years...even on mostly happy days....i hate it so much. but i know i can't kill myself, but its only for him. no one else. he's the reason i haven't been dead for almost 2 years now. even after attempt (well, during i guess) i think about him, then i hold back enough.
but when i fight with him about something serious, it make sme feel so alone. like i really DON'T have anyone whose really there for me. i realize that i'm just...a worthless little girl who can't even keep a hold of reality or have a happy thought without him....i just don't know what to do. i HATE feeling like this. but i feel like this all the time. we almost never have a fight like this. but even when we don't, theres always SOMETHING (almost always family or school related) that i just sit there, holding a knife or something like that....thinking about what would happen, who would it REALLY imact, that he's the only person in the world who would REALLY care. and i want so bad to be able to be happy....so i don't hurt him. but i don't know HOW.
i've hurt myself so many times in so many different ways.....i just think "if i just kill myself, i wouldn't have to suffer anymore....they wouldn't have anythign to complain about either....." then i realize he does.....i'm sorry this is so long and if i'm repeating myself...i just feel like complete shit right now and thought posting this would be ebtter than hurting myself even more....
its kind of funny....i have so many bottled up feelings of every kind that i don't even know what i feel when an emotion is there....i was just insulted at what he said to me...then when i started typing this out, im crying my eyes out....i don't know if this is good or bad....i hate myself so much....i just want and nees help so bad....with everything. i don't think that theres one thing in my life that isn't completly screwed up in some way or another....

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Siren❤ Offline
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Re: i just want it to end.... - December 31st 2011, 11:49 AM

Just to say, I sometimes feel the exact same - when I argue with my best friend (also my fiance now), I feel worthless and like there is no hope. Just remember if he does genuinely care, things with him will probably work out again. Everyone has disagreements and arguements, regardless of what kind of friendship/relationship they're in.
PM if you need to talk, I will listen x

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