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Dedalus Offline
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awful - January 2nd 2012, 02:04 PM

For the first time in a very long time I feel like killing myself. I feel helplessly lost. I'm home with my family and I just want to get away back to university. But it has been such a steep slippery slope since I finished the coursework for the semester. I was working hard the whole time, really enjoying it and pushing for a future in my career. I handed in the final essay of the semester, went out and got drunk...and a few days later, with nothing to do, everything just crashed. My mood feel through the floor and I've felt awful since.

It started with doubts of not being able to get a PhD scholarship and then everything else cascaded. I don't like any of the people on my course in Edinburgh. I have nothing to do with my friends from when I was in Dublin. I have nothing to do with my friends from my home town any more. And I have got nothing, absolutely nothing...yet wherever I go I'm popular, but I always suck at staying in touch, and I never meet any girls I like. My best friend from Dublin hasn't replied to any of the messages I sent him over facebook this christmas, neither has the girl I like...and then I had another good friend Laura from Dublin, and I sent her a message and she didn't reply to that either - and she used to love me, literally, and she got very upset when she saw me kissing another girl at the end of the year - and that may be why she has never replied to any of the messages I sent her since uni finished. And then I just wrote happy birthday on one of the guy's walls that I used to know and he liked it and one of the girls liked it as well - why she did, I don't know - and I asked her on chat and she didn't reply. And all of this just makes me feel fucking awful.

I feel as if I have nothing. Nothing is going right for me...and I always thought I'd have my best friend, but he's not even bothering to reply to me now. I don't where to go in this world and I'm just counting down the days till next semester starts so I can get started on the coursework.
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Katrina Offline
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Re: awful - January 2nd 2012, 02:16 PM

Hey Joe.

Goodness gracious, I'm sorry to hear that you've had such a rocky end to what sounds like a very successful and positive semester. I think this is one of the reasons why people say that when you're battling depression or grieving from a loss, or something of the sort, it can help to keep a set schedule. It sounds like studying and obtaining high marks at school gave you a really strong and clear identity of yourself, and while that's wonderful, its also important for you to develop your identity outside of the marks that you're making at school, you know?

I'm wondering if you might look into doing a couple of different activities next semester that might allow you to meet some different people. Not that that's the point of your post, but it seems like having a good solid support system would really be helpful, Joe. Its so important to have friends and family we can rely on to support us and encourage us as we go through the hard times.

I hope things work out for you, Joe. I realize this post is me kind of putting rationality to something that doesn't necessarily need rationality, and I regret that I don't have the words or the answers you're looking for. I hope it has helped you simply to write down what's going on and start processing through these things, Joe. Take good care of yourself, and please keep us posted on how you're doing.

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Dedalus Offline
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Re: awful - January 2nd 2012, 05:15 PM

I got a message off my best friend today. Oh the relief, it's like having a cigarette after a few days without one. It feels great
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Re: awful - January 3rd 2012, 12:05 AM

Hey!! Man I really hate hearing that you've been feeling shit like this, I know how crappy it can be Sometimes it can really feel like a lot of things are adding up and getting overwhelming which makes everything look even worse. I'm really sorry your course hasn't been going that well but I think it's good that you're at least able to focus on coursework to keep yourself distracted from other stuff...do you think maybe when you've settled in more after Christmas things might get easier??
I know this was a really crap answer because I don't really know much of what to say, but I just know how shit this feeling can be so I hate hearing about other people going though it :/ Just try and keep pushing through everything, no matter how crap things can seem it's always going to get better ~ and you'll appreciate it more because of how bad things were before. Just stay positive.x

Honey, you're familiar, like my mirror, years ago
I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door
Níl a shíltear mar a bhítear.
Things are not always what they seem.
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