Triggering (ED): I want to but I know I can't

[picturemesarah]

I'm fourteen years old and I know I'm just wallowing in self pity and I'm probably blowing this way out of proportion but I've been dealing with anorexia and bulimia for about two to three years now. I know that it really hasn't been that long and so many people have been through so much more but I feel like I'm drowning in my disorders.
This isn't a post about something that just went wrong and I feel like the world is going to end, nothing is wrong in my life. I have friends and family. My parents aren't divorced and I don't think I've ever been abused in any serious way. I live in a safe neighborhood with lots of opportunities. I'm just so sad.
I'm not a very open person so I don't talk to anyone. But I really think I need help. I eat less than a sixth of what I'm supposed to eat everyday yet I still weigh a "Normal" amount. I hate it. I hate myself. All I think about is how I'm going to kill myself, when I'm going to do it, what will i leave for my family to handle?
Thats what stops me every time. The people I'm leaving behind here who have to deal with all the sh!t i left behind.
Even knowing this I know it wont stop me. Every time something in the future comes up and people start talking about it, like college and kids and boyfriends, i know i wont be around for any of it. I don't plan on making it to the end of this year. I hadn't even planned on making it to the end of last year. I'm feel hopeless.

how am I supposed to tell my parents that I'm suicidal? They think I'm happy and normal. I don't even think they believe in therapists

[_sunsets64.]

Hey Sarah,
I'm sorry you're going through this. I want you to know, though, that you are going through a lot and it's completely understandable for you to be feeling this way. Just because you might have it better off than some people, that doesn't discredit the reality of your problems and the pain that you are going through. I used to feel similarly--my parents weren't divorced, I live in a good neighborhood, we didn't have money issues, I have tons of opportunities, and I felt like I didn't deserve to want to kill myself or even feel as crappy as I did.
But pain is pain, and it doesn't matter why you feel it, just that you do. I think it's great that you want to talk to your parents about this, and you are so courageous and strong for asking for help and admitting your feelings. I've never told my parents the way I feel because we don't have a great relationship, but if I did, I think I would write everything down that I wanted to say and then just read it to them. (That's what I'm going to do with my guidance counselor tomorrow.) If you're comfortable simply talking to them, you can always try that, and just saying something along the lines of, "I know you think I'm happy all of the time, and I have so much to be grateful for, and I love you and I'm so appreciative of everything you've done for me. But, I've been struggling for a while, and I'm not really sure why, but I've been feeling like killing myself and I just need some help." If they don't know about the eating disorders, you should tell them about that too. Be brave--I believe you really do want to live, otherwise you wouldn't be on here and you wouldn't be asking for help, so give yourself the chance to feel happy and to make it to your future, because you deserve it!
And two to three years is a long time to be dealing with anorexia and bulimia! Again, don't discredit your problems just because they could be worse--they're still problems and they're still hurting you.
It sounds like you have some self-esteem and image issues, too. I really do hope you get help for everything, and I hope you realize that you are going through a lot, but that it will get better, that your parents should understand and can help you, and that you can have a happy future if you want it--the choice is yours.
If you ever want to talk, don't hesitate to PM me--I'm always willing to listen. Stay strong and be brave

[picturemesarah]

thank you so much this actually made me feel a lot better. I hadn't even considered that I might want to live. I mean I know i want help but before i just wanted it so when i did end up killing myself my parents wouldnt be as surprised. I just find everything so pointless. i dont feel like trying anymore. How did your talk go with your guidance counselor? honestly your so brave i dont think i would be able to do it. ive been thinking about telling them for a long time but i just cant make myself do it. I think i may just try the letter thing. thank you

[Christian_girl_4ever]

What you're struggling with may not seem big or important but they are. If it's hurting you it matters. I agree with sunset64 maybe writing everything in a note would work. Or if you can trust just one person then see if they could be with you while you tell or tell for you. You may feel scared to tell but you're family and friends would rather help you and support you through this hardship than plan your funeral. Hang in there hun. Feel free to PM me anytime.

-Danielle

[_sunsets64.]

You're very welcome
And even if your parents wouldn't be as surprised, they would still be just as hurt. You should check out this website, it's really great: areason.org. Beyond that, though, I know it seems pointless, but that's because you've been struggling for years--and whether you realize it or not, that is a long time to feel so insecure and shitty and to be hiding your feelings and keeping secrets from people. It will take time to heal, as well, but sooner or later, you'll find yourself asking, "What is the point?" again, but you'll actually be able to answer it. Find a dream of yours, or a passion, maybe something from when you were little or a passing thought that made you smile--maybe you want to travel, or dance, or be a scientist, or write. Maybe you want a family, to get married one day, to just be old and happy and sitting in a rocking chair on a porch with your best friend, smiling to yourself about memories and the weather. You've got to think, "What if I lived? What would I want to do?" and hold on to that, and just do it. That's your reason to live, to get through everyday. Start small--pick a book to read and live to finish it--but you've got to figure out what makes you happy, and live for that. You deserve to feel happy again, so please, try to do this for you

I wish I could tell you, but he wasn't at school yesterday or today, so I couldn't talk to him. :/ But honestly, I was so scared while I was walking there, I was relieved that I didn't have to talk to him. And I'm really not that brave -- I meant to talk to him the week before, but I chickened out, which is why I made myself write it down, so that I wouldn't freeze up and switch the conversation and I'd actually have to say what I wanted to say.
But bravery isn't about not being afraid--it's about not letting your fears stop you. That's what I had to do when I first talked to him--I had walked past his office so many times for like 2 months, shaking, so scared to talk and just avoiding it, until I finally just got angry at myself for being a coward constantly putting myself through the anxiety and the disappointment and everything everyday. I just had to yell at myself mentally and be like, "Alright, it's ENOUGH! We're fucking going now, and you are NOT going to complain about this anymore!"
Just think positively or yell at yourself or listen to a song that makes you feel good, do whatever it takes to calm your nerves and motivate you to talk, because trust me, it is so worth it!

[picturemesarah]

sunsets: I'm sorry he wasn't there i hope you get to see him tomorrow. Please, please do this though I'm sure everything will turn out alright. You were right our family and friends would care if we died, though i guess I'm being a hypocrite right? haha good luck with it though (: i get what your saying about finding reasons to live but i think of some and i just have an answer for why i'll never be able to do it. like starting a relationship with someone...im so insecure about everything i wouldnt be able to hold onto one for more than a week. my friends tell me about dates they go on and stuff and i know i wouldnt be able to really eat with a guy...or doing anything sexual..i cant even stand it when people hug me. all i can think about is them touching my fat.


christian_girl_4ever: thank you for the support i really appreciate it. I think i might its just that I dont feel like i actually have any problems... I feel like only sometimes i do because i act normal and am happy some days. I have this website i go to where a bunch of people who are anorexic and bulimic talk to each other and post things about what they are going though and thinks like that. Some people are so (i would say strong but when i say that i mean like they restrict more, take diet pills, run longer) and i just feel like my problems are so insignificant because i mess up so often. I'm not losing any weight. I'm not insanely thin. im just average

I just get really confused because I dont know if its my disorder talking or if i even have a disorder. and i dont know what to do about it. I know if it ever came down to really talking to someone about it i wouldnt.

[_sunsets64.]

I promise I'll talk to him, but you have to promise me that you'll talk to someone too! All your worries and insecurities--you can get help for that, you don't always have to feel like that. They're only obstacles now, but just talking to someone about it helps them to go away. I'm not going to go into my whole family drama right now, but talking helped me realize that my family really is a mess and that I deserved to be upset about everything, and I realized that I was a lot stronger than I was giving myself credit for, which gave me more confidence. I think you'll find the same thing, that you'll gain a lot more confidence, if you just talk to a counselor or someone, please, and then you won't be so scared of relationships with people. And really, if you're "just average", then you're not fat, so you shouldn't be worrying!

I think i might its just that I dont feel like i actually have any problems... I feel like only sometimes i do because i act normal and am happy some days. I have this website i go to where a bunch of people who are anorexic and bulimic talk to each other and post things about what they are going though and thinks like that. Some people are so (i would say strong but when i say that i mean like they restrict more, take diet pills, run longer) and i just feel like my problems are so insignificant because i mess up so often. I'm not losing any weight. I'm not insanely thin. im just average

I just get really confused because I dont know if its my disorder talking or if i even have a disorder. and i dont know what to do about it. I know if it ever came down to really talking to someone about it i wouldnt.

OMG this is EXACTLY how i feel! but not with weight issues, like the forum where you go to talk about anorexic problems, that's what TH is like for me. Like, I come on here and I see everyone with such worse issues than me, and I don't want to kill myself anymore, that was 4 years ago, and so I think I'm ok now and I just have issues, not a disorder. But then other times I feel like shit and I think I might have an anxiety disorder and maybe I still am depressed, but like what if I'm not and it's just all in my head?
But I've been telling myself that even if it is all in my head, that in itself is an issue and I should get help for that. And it's like what Dumbledore told Harry: "Of course this is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?" (sorry, I'm a huge HP fan)

[picturemesarah]

you dont need to be sorry haha im a huge hp fan too! i love tom felton lol.
I feel a lot better now i dont know ever since i came on here things have just been going better i guess...but that could also be because ive been eating less and lost a bit of weight _._ it really effects my mood. I promise ill talk to someone if i feel this badly again but i feel like i can handle it right now. (plus i really dont want to tell anyone while im still 'normal) i know its not "fat" but i feel like it is...normal is...my perception of normal is different now. my whole perception of everything is different now. haha
im so glad that someone feels the same way your right we shouldnt belittle our problems and i really hope the talk goes well for you..tell me how it goes okay?

[_sunsets64.]

Haha Tom Felton's amazing <3
and I know what you mean, not wanting to talk while you still feel "normal" and ok, but I guess I've just realized that it kind of comes in waves for me and I feel more normal when I'm trying to hide it more, but as soon as I get home, I realize that's when I really need to talk, so I'm just kind of making myself do it haha.
Your weight-loss thing is worrying me some--please take care of yourself! I don't want to see this spiral into something you can't control, I've already seen that happen with one of my closest friends :P
And yes, that's one of my favorite things about TH--I feel like other people get what I'm going through, that I just don't feel so alone anymore I'll definitely let you know how my talk goes! And you too, feel free to talk whenever and keep me posted