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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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xxxAJxxx Offline
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I don't know why I did this. - January 5th 2012, 01:12 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I pushed away my best friend, my ONLY friend today. Told her I didn't want to be friends with her anymore. I don't even have a gauge on why I did it. I feel like people make me miserable, but being alone gets me the same result.

My depression is getting worse, I'm having the first suicidal thoughts I've had since 1.5 years ago. I can't take it. In school, I can't even do the work anymore. I'm too tired to talk sometimes. I just generally feel terrible. No days are better than others.

I even got rid of my damn therapist about 9-10 months ago. Now I'm stuck. I can't go to my parents, they're under the impression that I'd never have major depression again. I feel stupid for doing what I did, but I can't take even having conversations with people anymore. I'm at the end of the line. I need your help.


"Now at the end of everyday I lie awake at night and wait
To feel the wires of my brain get cut and quietly rearranged, and
Hear my beaten heart exclaim, 'Still, I refuse to let her go.'"

So we escape to our mistakes for they wait patiently for us.
Oh, how they always wait for me.

If my fear has kept me here only my fear can set me free."
   
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Re: I don't know why I did this. - January 5th 2012, 01:43 AM

You said you pushed your best friend away, and from what you wrote here, it sounds like you're regretting what you did. If she was your best friend, I'm sure if you tried to talk to her about this, she would listen. She might be mad at you for a while but I think eventually she will forgive you. Does she know how you've been feeling lately? If not, maybe you should talk to her about that when you try to explain to her why you said you no longer wanted to be friends.

I can't say I've been suicidal, but I have been depressed for years and have turned to self harm before. Is there a specific event in your past that caused you to become depressed or have you pretty much always felt this way? I'm here if you want (or don't want) someone to talk to. Feel free to PM me anytime.


"Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful..." ~Sixx:A.M.
   
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Re: I don't know why I did this. - January 5th 2012, 02:00 AM

Hey Aj, I'm really sorry for all the pain that you're going through right now. And you're really brave for posting on here. You should be proud of yourself for that, and for caring enough to try to get help for yourself--it means you're still fighting, despite everything you're going through, which is incredible and admirable. Not everyone has that strength, especially after already going through being suicidal once.
And it's not stupid to push away your friends, it's completely understandable-- I know exactly how you feel. I used to feel just like this, hating being around people, but hating to be alone all the time too, but just not having the energy, mentally or physically, to make an effort around them. And sometimes, being around your friends is worse, because you have to make an extra effort to act happy or to be a part of the conversation or make excuses with them, so pushing them away is totally understandable--you're just trying to protect your feelings by distancing yourself.
Why were you depressed/suicidal the last time, though, if you don't mind me asking? Are you in a similar situation to where you were last time? Maybe there are parallels between now and then that are causing you to feel this way again.
I know you don't want to tell your parents, but I really think they could help you out here. Granted, I don't know them, but if they got you a therapist last time and they've helped you out before, they should be understanding again this time. Although, just because you got rid of your therapist doesn't mean you can't talk to them anymore. Do you have their contact information? Maybe you could call or email them and just let them know how you're feeling and that you really need help and ask for their opinion on what to do.
I know it's so tough right now, but just keep in mind that you've been here before and you made it through, and you can do it again. Your friend will understand if you explain everything to her later on when you're feeling better and when you want to talk to her again, and it will get better. As hard as it is, though, try not to close too many important people out of your life right now--you need good support. Definitely try to contact your old therapist and try to talk to your parents or your friend if you want.
I wanted to kill myself a few years ago, so I get what you're going through right now. If you ever want to talk, just send me a PM, I'm always here. Whatever your decision, keep in mind that the end of the line doesn't have to be when you break down and kill yourself--it can be when you reach out and ask for help, even when you're terrified and exhausted and you don't know if you even really want to, because that's when you need it the most.
Hang in there--I know it's tough, but you're strong, and you can make it


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"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside while still alive. Never surrender."


PM/VM me if you ever need someone to talk to or just want to chat (:
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xxxAJxxx Offline
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Re: I don't know why I did this. - January 7th 2012, 06:44 PM

Quote:
just not having the energy, mentally or physically, to make an effort around them
You just completely described me. Thanks, the advice helped somewhat guys. I'll try.


"Now at the end of everyday I lie awake at night and wait
To feel the wires of my brain get cut and quietly rearranged, and
Hear my beaten heart exclaim, 'Still, I refuse to let her go.'"

So we escape to our mistakes for they wait patiently for us.
Oh, how they always wait for me.

If my fear has kept me here only my fear can set me free."
   
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