Triggering (Suicide): Desperate for Help

[jbchw9]

My story:
Sophomore year of high school I became clinically depressed by being forced into playing football when I hated it, and dreaded every minute. I'm an athletic kid and it wasn't hard, I just hated practice and it wasn't fun to me. This led to me becoming diagnosed as depressed and with a social anxiety disorder. I thankfully got a neck injury and they shut me down indefinetly and I no longer could play, and when I left them team, things went back to normal and I once again enjoyed life. Last fall was my first semester at college, and it was an absolute nightmare. I don't know why, but I simply cannot stand being away from home. Its beyond homesickness, it feels like I'm completely empty inside. I pledge a frat and hid my misery behind being the hardest working pledge and trips home just about every other weekend. Thats another thing, I'm only an hour and a half away from my house. We had a month long winter break and it was the most amazing thing I had ever felt. I was finally home and everything felt normal again. My grades were crap but I didn't care, I just wanted to leave. Today was my first day back for second semester and it feels like the nightmare has returned, I'm more miserable than ever.At this point I don't even care about school, I just want to die or go home. I can't handle this any longer, I feel my grip on everything I am slipping away. The urge to kill myself and just end this constant emptiness is tearing myself apart. All I want is to go home and be with my family, but I don't know if this is the right choice. I would never kill myself because of how devastated my parents would be, so I'm stuck; I'm past the point of considering it and have fantasized about it multiple times and how amazing it would feel to just end everything. So I guess my question is this, should I just say fuck everything and go home where I'm truly happy? Or do I somehow stick it out, although if I do I honestly have no idea how to make it from day to day without being in constant pain.

I've being taking 90mg cymbalta since sophomore year and it hasnt helped much. Also Zanax, but it doesn't do much either. I've talked to so many counselars and they've been worthless.. I'm just so tired. I don't know how much longer I can do this

[Shawn K.]

Originally Posted by jbchw9

My story:
Sophomore year of high school I became clinically depressed by being forced into playing football when I hated it, and dreaded every minute. I'm an athletic kid and it wasn't hard, I just hated practice and it wasn't fun to me. This led to me becoming diagnosed as depressed and with a social anxiety disorder. I thankfully got a neck injury and they shut me down indefinetly and I no longer could play, and when I left them team, things went back to normal and I once again enjoyed life. Last fall was my first semester at college, and it was an absolute nightmare. I don't know why, but I simply cannot stand being away from home. Its beyond homesickness, it feels like I'm completely empty inside. I pledge a frat and hid my misery behind being the hardest working pledge and trips home just about every other weekend. Thats another thing, I'm only an hour and a half away from my house. We had a month long winter break and it was the most amazing thing I had ever felt. I was finally home and everything felt normal again. My grades were crap but I didn't care, I just wanted to leave. Today was my first day back for second semester and it feels like the nightmare has returned, I'm more miserable than ever.At this point I don't even care about school, I just want to die or go home. I can't handle this any longer, I feel my grip on everything I am slipping away. The urge to kill myself and just end this constant emptiness is tearing myself apart. All I want is to go home and be with my family, but I don't know if this is the right choice. I would never kill myself because of how devastated my parents would be, so I'm stuck; I'm past the point of considering it and have fantasized about it multiple times and how amazing it would feel to just end everything. So I guess my question is this, should I just say fuck everything and go home where I'm truly happy? Or do I somehow stick it out, although if I do I honestly have no idea how to make it from day to day without being in constant pain.

I've being taking 90mg cymbalta since sophomore year and it hasnt helped much. Also Zanax, but it doesn't do much either. I've talked to so many counselars and they've been worthless.. I'm just so tired. I don't know how much longer I can do this

Hey dude, don't know what a youngster can offer in the way of advice, especially since you say you've talked to counselors and that hasn't helped. But, I can say I'm sorry you're going through this right now, and i think there will definitely be some useful responses on here... so hang on.

If i can ask a couple questions though.

Do your parents know how unhappy you are at school, or away from home?
Is there any possibility of commuting since you're only 11/2 hrs away? Would that help?
Would it be better for you to take a semester off, and try to get a handle on this?

In any case, you're a strong dude. You've been dealing with this since sophomore high school. There's a positive solution, you just gotta hang in there till it shows itself.

[jbchw9]

thanks man, I appreciate the feedback. I was in the middle of a break down last night when I wrote this and neglected a few things: my parents know, and thats another point of stress for me in that I feel like I'm letting them down, that I'm not living up to be the son with a normal life they wanted. they're nothing but supportive of me, but I just can't shake that thought. I'm not sure about taking off a semester or what it would accomplish... I've already paid my tuition to the school and I don't think I can get refunded. I'm a little better today, but I still feel so empty. I'm not alone, I have a whole pledge class of brothers who support me and the actives here love me... I just can't shake this overwhelming want to return home. Maybe its just my lifestyle; where people just want to go out on thursday, friday and saturday and party all night I just prefer to be by myself and relax with my own thoughts, but no matter how I approach it I just can't shake these feelings of emptiness and lack of will to live.

[Millarw12]

Nothing is more important than your well being. Ok? Nothing. Your parents will understand, they might be upset that you're leaving college, but they really do only care about what's best for you.

Look I'm no doctor, but this seems to be tied with your social anxiety. What ever is causing this anxiety is the thing you have to tackle head on. What I would do in this situation, would be to call my parents, tell them exactly what's going on and drop out of college and go home. Then I would go home and get myself back together and find out what is causing such distress when I'm away from home and try and find a way to move past it. Your family and friends can offer support, but you are the only one who can truly get through this, by your own actions and choice.

I think that this will keep cropping up until you get down to the roots of it all and sort out what's really going on. Trust me I've had my own shit I've had to dig through and deal with to move on with my life.

If you want to talk further, you can PM me any time ok? Hope you're doing ok x