So Tired of This Life

[Spiderbaby]

I guess I should start where my problems began. At a very young age my father passed away. Before this happened, I remember being very happy and outgoing. But soon after I became very private and wanted solitude. Even though I've had a fair amount of friends I've felt lonely most of my life. The first time I attempted suicide was at age nine. I've attempted several times since. In eighth grade I became very sick and was absent for most of the school year. This also contributed to my loneliness and isolation. But eventually I got well.

My sophomore year of high school I began dating an old friend. Even though I had boyfriends before this he was my first serious one. Looking back it was the worst decision of my life. I had very low self esteem. He was cruel, unattractive, and did not treat me right. I thought that I didn't deserve any better. He cheated on me, and sexually assaulted me several times. Before the school year ended I left him and was fearful for my life. I did not tell anyone about the sexual assaults.

Then a few months later my family and I moved out of state. It was very stressful for me since it was the first time I had to move in my life. In order to cope I began to cut myself. One night I just couldn't take it anymore and hurt myself severely. The next morning my family found out. They were upset but didn't really talk to me about it. Many just ignored me. Then a few days later I told them about the sexual assault. I could tell that they were upset but their main reaction was basically to never tell anyone else. That really hurt me. Today it just hit me all. The death of my father, the loneliness, self injury, date rape, drug abuse...I still have low self esteem. I would describe myself as very ugly, unattractive, extremely boring. I just don't see how my life could get any better when I can't let go of my past.

[viemexis]

It sounds like you've been through a lot. Letting go of your past is a difficult thing - partly because it seems to me it's less like "letting go" of something and more like growing up. You won't forget about what you've been through and it won't be as if it never happened, but you'll heal over time and grow into a person who's stronger because of those experiences, and the harder things you've been through will enable you to help others through similar things.

Part of healing is simply learning to process your past in a healthy way. It seems like you've already started that in your thoughts, which led you to posting here. As I read the above description of your life, sure there are a lot of negative things there, but there is a maturity in the way you talk about it. You may have low self-esteem, yet, it seems it's higher than it used to be, or at least you're seeing things more clearly (as opposed to when you were with an abusive boyfriend).

As you get to know yourself and express yourself to others, you may find your self-esteem improving. Be patient with yourself. Things won't magically change overnight; processing things can take time, and it can be painful, but it's worth it and things will change for the better. By my estimation, you're already on your way.

Do you write? You seem intelligent and well-spoken, and I would encourage you to find good ways to express everything you are upset about.

with love,

Justin

[Spiderbaby]

Originally Posted by viemexis

Do you write? You seem intelligent and well-spoken, and I would encourage you to find good ways to express everything you are upset about.

Yes I used to write but lately I haven't been motivated to do anything really. I've stopped all hobbies. I want to do them but cannot find the energy.

[viemexis]

I would love to read some of your writing, if you feel up to it. It's what I do for a living.

I don't know what your family is like, but perhaps they just didn't know how to react to what you've told them and might be better listeners if given another chance. Failing that, have you considered seeing a counselor to talk through some of these things? If that's not something you want to do at this point, that's alright, but you need to find some sensible person who will seriously listen. Of course, that's also what this site is for. Feel free to IM me or whatever.

[Artistic Soul]

I suggest you to talk to someone close and trusted. That might help. And never ever think that you're alone. Everyone is special! Stay strong and take care. xx

[Spiderbaby]

Originally Posted by MandyTeen

I suggest you to talk to someone close and trusted. That might help.

Well the problem with that is even though I know that my family cares, they just don't know how to deal with shit like that. It's hard for them to understand.

[minniemouseprincess]

You've been through a great deal in such a short amount of time=( I'm very sorry for the loss of your father and for what your bf did to you=( Nobody should have to deal with ether thing. Remember though, your father still loves you. Love never ends. He still loves you and watches over you, especially at hard times like this. Your bf is gone, you won't have to deal with him anymore. And someday, you will find a guy that will treat you SO much better than your old bf ever could. He'll be your everything and make you feel wonderful. As for the self esteem stuff, if thats you in the picture by your username, you are amazingly beautiful. If ANYONE cannot see that, they aren't worth your time. They aren't worth it period. I'm sure you aren't boring at all. The self esteem stuff will get better overtime I think. Just think to yourself, I am who I am and thats good enough for me. I would suggest maybe seeing a therapist or counceler to help you with the SH and self esteem stuff. I think they'd be able to give you tips to help. I think your family doesn't say much about any of it because they DO care, but don't know what to do. And really, they can't do all that much. Most of it will be helped in therapy. But anyways, if you ever want to talk or just want a new friend, You can talk to me whenever=)