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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
FlowerInTheRain Offline
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Everybody is tired of me... - January 16th 2012, 07:23 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.



My story: Depression is not a game, it's something horrible that anyone can have, it's worse than losing a valuable phone. I'm too lost to be saved. Everyone is fed up with me, everyone is tired of me always being sad and shit. My parents are doing everything they could to help me, but now they're tired of me being depressed, they said it's my choice to be this way but it's not. I don't even know who I really am. I'm dying to die everyday, I'm bleeding really bad. I just can't help it. I'm tricking everybody into thinking that now I'm overcoming this depression when in reality I'm not.
Where has my heart gone? Where am I? I'm trapped in a body of a girl that I hate who is so depressed.
It's horrible. It's a nightmare. I'm tired of this crap. I'm tired of crying, hurting myself, crying myself to sleep every damn night, going for help, making a fool of myself, talking to strangers, teachers, friends, physiologist's, therapist's, counselor's just FOR HELP!...I just can't help it. IM TIRED OF SPEAKING WORDS THAT NO ONE EVEN UNDERSTANDS I attempted to kill myself 5 times but I just can't, I don't want to go to hell for just something that I couldn't take care of myself. Everyday I'm threatening to kill and hurt myself. I'm only a sophomore in high school taking JROTC class, my dream is to be a United States Marine, but now I lost hope for everything. CPS (child protective services) wants to take me away and put in a mental hospital, which makes me more sad, I feel that i don't deserve to be anything. I don't deserve to live. Everyday I'm begging God to just die already, I feel that he hates me for being this way, and just might send me to hell. This depression loves me and it won't leave me, I tried to kill my pain but I just keep bringing more. I don't want to be happy because when I'm happy, things go wrong. now I just want to die already, maybe when I die everyone will be happy that I'm gone but I been having these things for quite awhile:

-difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
-fatigue and decreased energy
-feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
-feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
-insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
-irritability, restlessness
-loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable
-overeating or appetite loss
-persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
-persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
-thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

I don't feel that this is depression...it's something far more worse...

Last edited by FlowerInTheRain; January 16th 2012 at 08:31 PM.
   
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Re: No one can't save me from myself... - January 18th 2012, 09:09 AM

Hey There,

Thank you so much for coming to us for help. First off please don't ever feel its your fault that you have depression. Depression often times is considered the "Common Cold of Psychological Disorders", and like the common cold; although there are things we can try to alleviate a cold, we have no control over when or how bad it affects us. Depression today affects over 121 million personnel world wide which counts for just about 10% of the total population. Being that this is an Online Help Site, majority of our 45,000 members also deal with depression and other illnesses. Life can be cruel on us, but whats important to you and everyone else is that we learn to deal with the fact that although we may have depression, we are just like anyone else; its just how we deal with life may differ. We must never lose sight of our goals, while people may label us as such its imperative that we prove them wrong.

Although I graduated, during my Soph/Junior (2nd/3rd) year of HS; I too deal with depression, to make a long story short I did attend a local mental health hospital. But the main thing I learned in there (that I would like to share with you) is that there is always something to live by, there always will be someone out there who cares and nurtures us. We can't be stopped or give up on our goals; focus hard, preserve and give life all you have and sooner or later life shines for us.

Its so great that you have the dream to enter the Military and especially the Marines, I give you so much credit for this. But never let go of this dream; if this is really what you want in life then focus and fight hard. The greatest things in life/things we want the most requires many self resilience.

This is much to grasp for now, but I hope this helps. Like depression, the best thing would be to tackle this one step at a time. When you receive this; try to spend the next day with a smile and take notes of the things that don't make you smile and then possibly PM me or another staff member or even make a new thread for it and we can work on them together. You can do it!



"This is 10% Luck, 20% Skill, 15% Concentrated Power of Will, 5% Pleasure, 15% Pain; And a 100% reason to remember the name!"
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: No one can't save me from myself... - January 20th 2012, 01:21 AM

Thank You so much! You don't how much that means to me!
   
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Re: No one can't save me from myself... - January 20th 2012, 02:41 AM

i know exactally what you are going through. I have been in your shoes. i can picture the last time that i cut or tried to kill myself, and yes it is hard, im still struggliong with it myself. I have been through a bunch of stuff, and i still to today consider sucicide as my only option.

Im pertty sure that our parents love us, but it makes it harder when they are not supportive of how you feel, and it also makes it harder to come to gripps with the fact that you and me both dont like talking to counclors, cuz they dont seem to help at all.

I know what you are going thru because cps took me, when i was 15 years old. I dont have any family that i am close to and i feel everyday that god has somehow tried to punish me for something that i dont even know what i did.
im sure that you feel the same way as you said that you ask God daily to let you die.

I always ask God why is all of this crapp happening to me??? But it is like he is ignoring me or something...

This helped me out, and when i try it it still helps out: (we have to find some things in our life that make us happy.)

if you take a piece of paper and split it in half, draw a line down the middle. On the left side make a list of all the reasons that you think your life is crappy, or what has happened to you that was bad.

On the right side make a list of things that make you smile, or whatever you think that has happened in your life that has been good. Try to think of everything that you can. try to take some time on this because this step is important.

The second part of this is to try to make another list of the ways that you can (if any) change the bad things that have happened, or the opposite make the happy moments happen more often.

When you are done with these two steps, you can read it, and think about why the list with the most has the most?? Is it because of choices that you have made or is it because of things that you have control of. If the answer is because of things that you have had control of then you can take time to try to figure out ways to change that or make that happen more often.

I do it all the time, probally about once a month or sooner if life throws rocks at me.

The other thing that may help is what i do every night. If you have a personal journal or a laptop that belongs to you & noone else can read it try this:

Every night set aside some time to write down everything that has been on your mind, or that you have felt for that day. Make sure you try to do this before you go to sleep. This helps clear your mind, of worries, and thoughts that make you mad. Ive learned from taking psychology classes that if you go to bed angry or with worries on your mind, then you are not allowing your mind to reach the REM cycle, and you will most likeely wake up just as fustrated or angry as you did when you went to be that night before.

GOOD LUCK!! I hope that this helps.
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Re: No one can't save me from myself... - January 21st 2012, 04:07 AM

I've been feeling like this for so long. I didn't know anyone else was capable of feeling the way i was. I'm glad I'm not alone. Thank you for sharing.
   
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Re: No one can't save me from myself... - January 21st 2012, 11:47 PM

feel free to IM me on yahoo anytime: tracey.aldrich@yahoo.com


Tracey A.
-life is not about waiting for what you want, but going out and seeking/finding what you need.

The truth about life: you only get one!!!

Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present.
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Re: No one can't save me from myself... - January 22nd 2012, 05:15 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by FlowerInTheRain View Post
Thank You so much! You don't how much that means to me!
Your very welcome!

This is really why us staff members are here for, we do this only to help one another onto success. Never give up on your dream, I hope one day we can hear great stories about how good of a marine you turned out to be.


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FlowerInTheRain Offline
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Re: No one can't save me from myself... - January 24th 2012, 07:17 PM

Will do! Thank you so much!
   
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