help me.

[cherrypie1996]

I feel stupid talking about this on here, but someone has to know, I can't keep it to myself anymore. Here's my story: my parents were happy together, I grew up with everything I could ever want, I was happy my family was happy. But then it seemed out of nowhere my parents were shouting, fighting, hitting each other, even though I was 9 I saw how serious it was, I used to get really scared and I'd act like a brat. I now see this as attentionseeking. When I was 10 my parents started to get more violent towards each other, My dad then fell ill, he went into hospital with a serious case of pnemonia, he spent months in intensive care and got let out just intime for schristmas, he had to bring his oxygen home, that was the last christmas we had as a family, the next month my parents took me and my brothers out to a resturant and told us they were getting a divorce, we had no idea, we cried and cried and cried. My dad was my favourite person in the world, he gave me his wedding ring to look after, so when we got home I put it in my special box, in a tiffany case. My parents just got worse from there, accusations, police, domestic abuse. I saw my dad with another woman not long after the announcement, I was heart broken. I then found the woman in the cupboard with no trousers on. I then hated my dad. I got mad, I made him leave the house. I still 5 years on haven't hugged or kissed him. I used to get bullied. I used to cry to my dad every night. Now he was a liar to me. My mum, I never trusted her. She had an affair it turns out. I couldn't truust either of them, so I became self efficient. But even at 10/11 I didn't feel mentally right. I lost all respect for my safety, it started off jumping off stuff thinking, if I hurt myself I deserve it, I don't mind if I die, I hate this pain. But life didn't get better from there, I had therapy, but my parents didn't want to keep taking me, they still scream at each other and take each other to court oon a regular basis. So my parents weren't a happy focus of my childhood. They taught me not to trust. And not to love. But I went on, moved school, made friends, became content with life. Found myself a boyfriend, gave him all the love I had kept from my parents, I was happy. But then he dumped me for my best friend. There goes my faith in others. But I carried on. Life goes on I told myself. And it did until. We ran out of money and my dad wouldn't pay the schoolfees, he said he couldn't despite the fact he and his gf were going on constant holidays and she always had new tiffanys. So I got kicked out of that school, had to leave all my mates, everyone left who made me feel safe. And then I told myself it was fine I could still see them, my mum tells us we're moving 5 hours away. To the other end of england. That's when I started to scratch myself, I'd scratch until I could see the next layer of skin, until I drew blood. I didn't know back then, I did it on my wrists, it was obvious to everyone. My mum found out, she didn't care, she just told me to stop because it was embarrassing. So I told her I would. That's that conversation over. But now we've moved up here, I have no friends I don't fit in, I have boy troubles. And I think I have depression. Now sometimes it all gets too much with the pressure of gcse's aswell. I'm never happy my life is a rollercoaster each low bigger than the next. I've taken to hurting myself again, cutting at my skin with whatever I can find, hiding the marks, feeling lost and out of control. It's the only way I know how to manage. And now my dad says he can't pay my school fees again. My mum pays my brothers. But he only pays mine. And he can't. So I might have to move again. Life makes me so unhappy, I see the kitchen knives, I think, I won't have to manage anymore, I can end this sometimes I pick it up and place it inbetween my ribs, I sometimes apply pressure till I feel the sting of the knife. But I don't do it, not like that. I sit in the car staring at the tarmac speeding past imagining how easy it would be to end it, sometimes I place my hand on the handle and apply pressure but I don't want to do it like that. I put myself in stupid situations where I know I could die. I know one day I'll do it. But now, even though I know it's what I want I'm scared. So for now I just cut. Hoping for a better life. But all the other options are still in my mind, jumping, stabbing, overdose, carcrash, "accident", hanging, suffocated, drowned, starved, shot. I need advice.. How do I manage. (Don't say things will get better, they never do, they just get worse)

[Fast21]

I know that you think now that nothing will get better, but I see that you truly don't believe that because you are here on this site asking for advice. There's nothing to be ashamed for asking for advice, we break at one point.

Is there any trusted adult that you can find to speak to? I know your family is having a difficult time, but try finding someone to speak with, anybody. I hope you are back into school so that you can speak to a school counselor. If you or if you're not Catholic, maybe you can just sit in the confessional and talk to the priest without being face to face.

Things will get better.

[cherrypie1996]

Hi, thanks for replying, I'm scared to tell anyone I know, I don't want them to judge me. I don't have any trusted adults, that's why I came here. I spend all my time wishing things will get better, but they don't. I'm tired of waiting. And as soon as things get better. I think of how they're only going to get worse (which they do) and it makes me all unstable again.

[Artistic Soul]

Hey, I'm sorry things haven't been good all this time. I suggest you to talk to someone....anyone....any sibling, any close and trusted friend. Just let it all out. I'm sure things will get better soon. Stay strong and take care! xx