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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Xoe Offline
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Age: 24
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Join Date: January 21st 2012

I just don't care anymore - January 21st 2012, 07:18 PM

I don't really know if this is the right place, but I'll give it a shot..

Um, this is my first post here, I have another account with which I posted one hello a few months ago and since then haven't done anything with.. so I was just hanging around, wanting to post something, but being way too shy.. I'm just gonna make myself do this because I need to tell someone and I know that any friend I tell will just get insulted or something.. Just a warning, this will.. most likely turn into something of a life story..

So, I'm not happy at the moment.. I don't actually remember what I was like before being depressed.. Apparently, I was a really sweet little girl. Apparently I got bullied.. I have memories of this, but I have the distinct feeling I've fabricated them myself.. Basically, I was part of a friendship group with 3 other girls and, of what I think I remember and have been told I said, they used a voting system to tell me I wasn't wanted any more. This was a year before I left primary school, I think. In addition to this, which I know mostly from my parents and sister recounting it to me, the girl who led the group now goes to the same high school as me. There's no bad blood and for the most part we get along just fine, getting the same bus and having friendship groups that are somewhat close. However when the topic of us going to the same school came up once, she told these people I used to be very violent. I slapped someone, kicked a girl and gave her a gash all up her leg.. Apparently. I don't remember slapping anyone, but I do have one memory of chasing a girl and kicking her, giving her this gash.. Again, however, I'm not sure if this memory is real or not.. To add to this, when I asked her why she had my other friends "vote me out", she responded that it was their choice, as they were scared of me. In my final year of primary school I had a group of friends, but apparently spent a lot of time just wondering around the playground alone. So at this age, I have two memories of pretty much anything before the age of 11, which are being voted out of this group and kicking the girl.

So, aged 11, supposedly "very bright for my age", my parents put me in for multiple grammar school tests, and of course, I failed them all. This landed me in a school that I had supposedly hated from a very young age. Needless to say, I hated it while I was there. I was put into the top class, effectively cutting me off from anybody at my old school and the rest of my year, as pretty much everybody hated the top class. I didn't make any friends.. at all. There's nothing more to say, I just never made friends there. The entire class seemed to have a mutual agreement to shut me out and ignore me. When they did speak to me, it was teasing. A particular memory is of when I was being told my accent was "stupid and insulting". I could never hear it, but I apparently have a slight hint of an American accent. Somehow, I was under the impression this was all normal. My parents on the other hand, took me out to a workshop called KidScape, for kids who get bullied.. This was revealed to my class, making things a whole whole lot worse. I was taking many many days off and when possible, spending time in the exclusion for those who were in some way unable to go about the school (I'd had both my big toenails removed, as they were ingrown.. ew..), but still came in. I was depressed at that time, I'm certain of it, but I didn't really acknowledge it at the time. I told many people I wanted to die and eventually someone told their parents, leading my school to send me to some form of a therapist. I only saw her once and she told me she wanted to tell my parents, I told her no, she agreed eventually that she wouldn't say anything. I came home and of course they asked me if I wanted to kill myself. Since then I haven't trusted any therapist I've spoken to.

Around the summer after I turned 12, I joined a virtual chat world. I'd been spending a lot of time online, not really having the will to do much else. Here I met a few people. Now, this is getting long already, so I'll say that the people these were overall very very bad for my mental health, there was a lot of unneeded pre-teen hormonal jumbled-emotion-y drama. And it was stressful, and depressing and overall unhealthy. However, I did meet one person there. My current best friend. He lives in Serbia. He's about 3 years older than me and we know each other only over the Internet. I'll get onto that later..

At the start of year 8, (8th grade? I'm not sure.. It was the school year in which I would turn 13) I got my own personal miracle. My mom still hadn't given up on grammar schools, so I was used to cutting half a day off school to go to entrance exams. I'd never once expected it to work, but not only did I get to move schools, but to the school I'd always dreamed of. Everyone was proud of me, I was over the moon and things were meant to get better. Thing is, as time went on, they didn't. I made friends in this new school, and became semi-friends with the girl from my old school and my life was fine, my grades were alright, everything was cool.. I just wasn't feeling any happier.. Not much particularly was happening with my life, I just wasn't happy.

By the beginning of year 9 I was self harming again and confiding in a friend who was also. At this point I hadn't ever cut deep enough to cause any scars and I remember being frustrated that I couldn't draw blood. The friend I was confiding in was slowly becoming worse and worse and started getting into a cult scene, doing stupid things because she thought they were cool, "playing" with fire. We had a very rough breakup of friendship that I feel awful about to this day, and I desperately don't want to act like I was any better, because whilst she was becoming progressively worse in one way, I was also in another. Somewhere between year 9 and 10, I was referred to a psychiatrist. She then referred my to a psychologist, whilst seeing me every 3 or so months. Eventually they put me on fluoxetine and determined that my family was causing some of the problem and we were referred to family therapy. I didn't like the side effects, so eventually came off fluoxetine.

My sister suffers depression and anxiety and a whole range of other stuff I don't even blah... We used to be constantly "at war", or so she says, but now we're very close. She's one of the two people (the other being my online friend I mentioned earlier) I feel I honestly trust. She left home shortly after I was born (we have a 13 year age gap) and now she and my parents don't see eye to eye. She has explained to me multiple times why she feels like they are to blame for her problems, but those are her problems, so I'll not share them here. She says she sees herself in me and she's worried that they're treating me in a similar way and is worried about me going in a similar direction to her and having long term mental issues. She initially came to family therapy with us, but recently doesn't want anything to do with my parents. This started around the beginning of 2011 when my grandma was diagnosed with cancer, when they were basically using me to communicate with my sister and didn't tell her very much, despite the fact that she works with old people in homes and was probably best qualified of all of us. This got her really really mad. An argument at family therapy was her "strike 2" and finally, since our parents killed my dog, Kovu, because he was violent, she hasn't come around to our house or spoken to them once. She stills speaks to me when she can, but given that she won't be near our parents, it's not often. It's been around the past year or so that I've started cutting regularly and now have scars on my wrists from deeper cuts.

So I have my friend from Serbia. I've lost contact with most people I've known on the internet over the years, but we've been best friends for nearly four years now. We've still never met and we fight a fair amount. I've done some pretty horrible things to him over the years and he has trouble forgiving me for them, rightfully so I guess.. Recently he told me he thinks I'm playing a game with him, trying to make a fool out of him so that I can laugh at him secretly. That was pretty hard for me to take, because I care about him a lot. One of my family therapists told me that a possible explanation could be that when the human brain experiences trauma, it tries to recreate the scenario over and over. Her words, not mine. The way that I interpreted this was basically, I test people. I push them to their limits to see if they'll push me away or exclude me. And the people I do this most to are my parents and my friend, because I'm confident neither will. I really don't feel in control of this though.. I hate hurting him. He knows about the depression and the cutting and it doesn't take a genius to tell he's sick of it. If I try to talk to him about it he'll sigh and just say ok over and over. I'm scared that I've pushed him nearly to the edge now.

And as far a school friends go, I can honestly not bring myself to genuinely like the people around me. I have a group of friends that are totally supportive and I just don't like them. I stay around them to avoid being totally alone, but I don't like them. I just can't bring myself to like people, or even give myself a chance to like people, I seem to just hate them on sight..

I'm coming to the end of this HUGE post now, so if you've stuck around.. wow, thanks..

I've made a lot of discoveries about myself in the past year, many I don't like. I've found that I'm comfortable with depression. I don't particularly want to change the way I approach life and I'm comfortable staying introverted and alone. I'm just not happy. The idea of "getting better" is terrifying to me, but I acknowledge that it needs to be done.. However the thing that made me want to post all this was a few hours ago, just before I started writing this post, for one moment I had this feeling. A feeling of utter.. carelessness.. That sounds really nice, but afterwards it was terrifying. I just didn't care. I had absolutely no reason to be on earth, not my sister, not my best friend, not a future, not anything. Nothing was enough to make me feel like if was worth staying on earth. It's not the first suicidal through I've ever had, and I've gotten much farther with them than that, but the thing that always stopped me was that there was someone I wanted to be happy that I would make sad.. and this time it just wasn't enough to stop me wanting to take it further..

And that's it.. that feeling, I know I can't say to anyone I care about because it will hurt them. I wanted to tell someone I felt that.. And I suppose I got everything else out on the way as well.. That's it I think..

I can't bring myself to reread this, I'll only convince myself not to post it, so please excuse any mistakes with.. anything.. yeah..
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
I've been here a while
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Re: I just don't care anymore - January 22nd 2012, 07:22 PM

Hey, I'm sorry you're dealing with all this. If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to pm me.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Soccerchick18 Offline
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Re: I just don't care anymore - January 27th 2012, 03:55 AM

Sad to hear all that, but I can relate to the point of knowing it needs to be changed but being terrified to do so. I generally hate people except for a select few that dont care about me. Always here if you need to talk
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Re: I just don't care anymore - January 27th 2012, 04:43 AM

Wow...I have to admitt, I don't really know what to say=( I think it would be very good for you to get some help. I also think you should keep on living of course. Your friend, your family, and your sister, they'd be devistated if you were ever to be gone. They'd never recover. Nobody recovers from such trama. You are an important person in their lives and they love you. Nobody should ever have to burry their daughter, friend, or sister. I would say, these are the people you live for. You live for yourself, of course. You are the most important. But also, live for them. You do mean something and you are loved. You can PM me if you ever want to talk.

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