I'm so alone, and I cannot take anymore.

[KenworthsCoughdrop94]

I'm so lost with my life, and It amuses me how 2 years can mess everything up.

When I was 15, I had my first boyfriend let's call him Jerry, and I lost my virginity to him.
I was in love with him, and yeah he took advantage of it. Majorly.
We broke up 8 months later because he cheated on me, and I found out later he'd made out with around, 13 girls when we were together.
Well he decided to tell the whole football team, school, ect, and pretty much ruined my life.

I got with my second boyfriend, and fell for it again. Sadly.
I had sex, and he used me, but I didn't know any better. I thought he truly loved me. During this time, I found out how many people Jerry told about our old sex life, and he made stuff up on top of it.
Everyone was calling me a whore, and saying I had diseases and ect.

When me and my second guy broke up, I got with another guy, and He pretty much raped me. I said no so many times it was ridiculous, and he came to the point of just doing it, and I didn't have much of a choice. And he then left me 2 weeks later.

Mind you, this is during a year and a half span, so don't think this happened all in like 10 months.

Almost 5 months ago, me and my now current boyfriend, lets call him Eli, got together. We've been friends for so long, and best friends. I've always cared about him, and worried. His life is hard, his parents are alcoholics and treat him like crap.

But anyways, I had to explain all that first to get to the part that is hurting me.

So, I've been bullied all my life.
I'm home schooled, and have been since I was in Preschool.
I've swam on swim teams, and been in all kinds of stuff.
I quit swimming from getting bullied so much, it was ridiculous.
When I dated Jerry, I liked him so much.
And I was at the point hopeless, that I'd ever get a boyfriend.
I have always had self-esteem issues, and they've been extremely bad the last 5 years.
I hate my looks, I hate my weight, I hate my personality, I hate everything.
When I got with Jerry I was in love, and I let him take advantage of me, because I thought he truly loved me.
Wrong.

Everyone hates me now.
I cannot make friends with anyone.
I have two friends, a 13 year old girl, who is my niece and my boyfriend.
That is it.

My mom tells me its my fault, I act like a whore, and I'm a stupid b!tch and I have attitude problems and ect.

My boyfriend loves me, I know he does.
Nobody has ever treated me like he does, and I want to be with him forever.
He has been the only one with me to help me during all of my stuff.

When I dated my second ex, I started cutting.
My parents lost their company, which was my whole entire childhood. It was a trucking company.
And on top of that, he was hurting me by never wanting to see me, and I soon figured out he had another girl in mind and was doing weed.

Mom found out I had been cutting and warned if I did it again, I'd go to therapy, and I quit.

When I dated my last ex, the one who basically raped me, I started cutting again. I almost got into an car accident, my mom was going off on me because she thinks I just was whoring around, and I had nobody.

4 months ago she found out I was cutting again.
I was cutting because my ex, was spreading around the schools I had aids, and a bunch of other STDS, and everything I did mother would yell at me.
She ignored me for days until I admitted I had cut, I went to my sisters house and spent 2 days there because I couldn't deal with it. I took my sisters alcohol, behind their backs and gave myself poisoning.

Everybody except my boyfriend, tells me to go die, that everythings my fault, that I'm a whore.

Lately, everything I do at home I'm screamed at.
I just ask for, just to talk I'm yelled at.
I've been cutting so bad, I have new scars every week. And last month I was abusing alcohol.
Mom doesn't know I'm cutting, she said if I did it again I'd be sent to the crisis center or whatever.
I asked for therapy, and I got "Oh OKAY. Where am I supposed to get money? Huh? But don't worry. I'll figure it out, because you always get what you want. You don't HAVE a problem. You're a spoiled b!tch who just isn't getting her own way."

You know, I've messed up in my life.
I'm 17, and I've had sex with 4 guys.
I know I mess up, I'm a kid still.

I cannot even study correctly because I have dyslexia and mom won't help me, and it effects me in everyway possible, people just don't realize it.
I've made my bf so mad from me cutting, he's worried sick.
I'm getting yelled at for asking for my allowance money, even though I help take care of our kennel and stuff.
Mom and dad blame everything on me.
They tell me its my fault.
Everything in my life is my fault.
I cut everytime I hear them say it's my fault.
The cuts are getting deeper everytime.

I've been thinking about suicide for awhile.
I tried to one night but my blade wouldn't go deep enough.
I was talking to my friend at that moment and she said:
"I'm tired of hearing this. If you were going to do it, you wouldn't tell anyone. You just want attention. You aren't going to do it. Just go kill yourself."

No I don't do it for attention.
I do it because I'm mentally hurt from 10+ years of bullying.
I miss being happy, and I just can't be anymore.
Everytime I'm happy, I'm yelled at and told it's my fault.

Ice cubes don't help me.
I tried the butterfly project and it doesn't help either.
I want to hurt myself, I want to see myself bleed.
Because in my head I deserve all of it, and I'll never stop thinking it.


I want help.
I need help.
Nobody will help me.
And I don't know what to do.

[Bessy95]

Im sorry you've had to deal with so much crap. Sounds like you've gone out with a few loser guys who obviously dont deserve you at all. Im truly sorry about your family's behaviour, they obviously just thinks its silly because they've never been through what you have and therefore make no effort to try and understand. Your new boyfriend sounds like someone who is supportive. Dont commit suicide, he loves you and it would break his heart if you were gone. Even your family would be affected even though it seems like they dont give a damn. I know your probably against the idea of therapy, but seeing a therapist would help immensley because they are trained to deal with that kind of thing. They are sympathetic and dont judge you in any way. If you cant afford it there are free online counselling services, help hotlines or even here I hope I've helped a little I will help in any way I can just PM me and I will support you whenever you need it ♥

[klh94]

I am so sorry that all of that is happening, it really doesn't sound like life is treating you very fairly.. Your exes were just horrible and I'm so sorry about that, as far as your mother goes, she doesn't seem to understand. You need to show her your scars, you need to tell her that you're scared. If you're also scaring this new guy, Eli I think you called him, you need to get better. If not for yourself then for him, everyone needs a reason to start the healing process, let Eli be yours. Make yourself better for him, maybe you should allow your mother to send you to a crisis center, there would be professionals there that could help you. You would be getting the help that you so desperately need. Ignore the rumors, that's all they are. You know the truth. Eli knows the truth. That's all that matters. I hope this helped a little bit, if you ever need to talk please feel free to send me a PM, day or night I'll answer.

[minniemouseprincess]

That was probably the saddest post I have read in very, very long time=( Im so very sorry for what you have been going through=( It sounds like the people in your life (except maybe your bf) really don't get what you are going through or they are being so heartless that they don't care. For that reason, I think you need to get your bf to help you get some concealing. I don't know for sure how you'd go about that since i've never done it and nobody I know ever has ether. But I feel like counceling is a must for you right now because of all the hurt you have faced and the cutting. Another thing you could do is call hotlines like the self injury hotline (1-800-273-TALK) and the suicide hotline (1-800-SUICIDE). I would use those until you are able to go to counceling. As well as that, just keep talking to people. Talk to your bf and the people on here. Talking does help. I'm here anytime if you want to talk. As well as knowing all of that, I want you to also know that there is nothing wrong with YOU as a person. You are an amazing and beautiful girl. What happened in your life does not make you who YOU are. Nobody should ever come to you and tell you to kill yourself. If they do that, there's something wrong with THEM. You would never do that to someone, right? Then you know its wrong. They don't know what they are talking about and its their major loss. Never in your life let someone tell you otherwise okay? And something else, every single moment in your life, there IS someone that cares and loves you. Whether you know so or not. There will always be someone. You are never alone hun.

[KenworthsCoughdrop94]

I am so thankful for all of your guys help.
I've been talking with my boyfriend, and I'm taking an hour or two everynight and just having a hot bath, facials, reading ect.
And I've been swimming at my local fitness center, and it is helping a lot. It's helping me take all my frustrations out.
I thank you so very much! And I'm sorry for not replying sooner, I've been busy.

[minniemouseprincess]

Originally Posted by KenworthsCoughdrop94

I am so thankful for all of your guys help.
I've been talking with my boyfriend, and I'm taking an hour or two everynight and just having a hot bath, facials, reading ect.
And I've been swimming at my local fitness center, and it is helping a lot. It's helping me take all my frustrations out.
I thank you so very much! And I'm sorry for not replying sooner, I've been busy.

Good girl=) Am so glad you are doing better=) Feel free to message me anytime=)

[tracey1212]

I know what you are going through, because all my life i was told that everything was my fault, and just like you i cut deeper and deeper and didnt have a care in the world. But i have been self harming free for almost 3 years. thats not to say that i dont think about doing it sometimes when i feel like its all my fault or that i did something wrong. You are going to make a tough decision: I am sure that you love yourself you just have to find the things that you love about you and focus on those things. Also try making lists of things that you do well and that you love in life, even if it is a small list. I am no expert but i know how it feels to be on the edge. I have been there and i have overcome also. It sounds like you have a lot of hope. You have a bf that seems like he is not a jerk, and that he loves you. He is fustrated because he is scared for you and he doesnt know how to help you. He came from an abusive family too, so he understands you, and your feelings but if he is the only supportive one you have take advantage of that and try to talk to him instead of harming yourself, or trying to end it all. If you ever need to talk i am here for you, i dont want to loose you, i wont judge you, and i will just listen. PM me and we can talk. IM me on yahoo: tracey.aldrich@yahoo,com. I will be there for you. and help you anyway i can.
hope you feel better!!

[be for the worst]

this sounds like you have had it bad i feel so sorry for you im new at this and i dont really know what to say but just hold on for the ride ok you never know what you might good luck just hope ok

[KenworthsCoughdrop94]

I thank you again, all so much.
A few nights ago, I did it again.
I was sick, and I had drank some alcohol(to sooth my throat, had a severe throat ache, couldn't talk.) well it hit my harder then I expected, and I buzzed.
I was furious from a bunch of drama, and when I buzzed I took a knife and tried to end it.
And I was sitting right next to my sleeping boyfriend.
He took the knife, and threw it across the room.

I'm trying, but struggling.

[minniemouseprincess]

Originally Posted by KenworthsCoughdrop94

I thank you again, all so much.
A few nights ago, I did it again.
I was sick, and I had drank some alcohol(to sooth my throat, had a severe throat ache, couldn't talk.) well it hit my harder then I expected, and I buzzed.
I was furious from a bunch of drama, and when I buzzed I took a knife and tried to end it.
And I was sitting right next to my sleeping boyfriend.
He took the knife, and threw it across the room.

I'm trying, but struggling.

Oh man=( I'm glad your bf stopped you. That could have been really bad=( You're lucky to have him. I know you're trying hun, just keep on trying. I'm glad you're trying so much, thats a great thing.