Tired of life. I'm done!

[Ashleyhateslife]

I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of going through useless medical tests and nothing comes out wrong. They are pointless.

I'm tired of being the only one that cares enough to help.

I'm annoyed with the fact that my family is unbelievably racist, and hateful.

I'm sick of having suicidal thoughts, and being depressed.... Nothing is helping.

I want to be done.

But if I'm done then I leave a seven year old angel behind to stand up for herself, when it comes to her neglecting mother and bitchy step mother, and careless father. I'm am the only one she has...

I need a break from life but can't get one.

I am going to crack again, I can tell....


I don't want sympathy, I want solutions...

[minniemouseprincess]

Im sorry this is happening to you, but please don't kill yourself. Don't let this be the end. Like you said in your post, there's a 7 year old that NEEDS you. Don't let her fend for herself. It won't make things better. And plus, don't just live for her but live for YOU. You have so much to live for, so many opportunities that you haven't gotten yet. If you check out now, you will miss out on everything that could ever come your way. Think of this, my mother's cousin died when he was only 3. You know how? He was outside playing in the front yard and a plane literally fell straight out of the sky onto him. It was a true freak accident. He never got past 3 years old. He never went to school, never made friends, never went to prom, got married, or had kids of his own. He'd never know what thats like. You have the opportunity to do that. Be happy that you do. Sometimes, people don't know how much they have. You have more right now than my mother's cousin could ever have. You have your WHOLE life. He had 3 years. Don't end this for yourself. So much of it you'd miss.

[minniemouseprincess]

Forgot to post solutions. All I can really think of is do ANYTHING to take your mind of of it. Anything that doesn't involve harming yourself. A good thing I do is write. You could also just talk to someone, anyone. Talking helps me too.

[Ashleyhateslife]

I see a therapist once a week, I talk to my mom, I'm on a lot of meds, I tried supplements, stress reducing techniques, everything! Nothing works, I'm still suicidal, depressed and in pain. I have nothing going for me. I wanted be andoctor, move away, forget about my past and have a big family. Now, I'm going to be a nurse, live at home for awhile, not moving away, and I'm getting shit from my family because I changed my plans for my step sister. Her school is even giving me shit. I'm tired of people telling me she isnt my responsibility when she is, I made her my responsibility. Damn laws won't let me have anything legal to do with her. I'm the most she has, and people expect me to leave her? It pisses me off. I wish I could give her a better life and then do away with myself. My current plan isn't that bad, but it's not my plan! I'm sorry about your cousin, he could have a had an amazing life. But.... I can't. I've seen enough, I just want to be done. I want someone to take my stepsister, and give her the love that she needs then I can be done with my life. I am being very selfish right now, I know. But no one knows how overwhelmed I am, and depressed. And I love my step sister with all my heart, but I can't emotionally raise her anymore. I'm 17, and a senior in high school. Instead of hanging out with friends and having fun, I come home and take care of her, and help her with homework. It's like I'm a teen mom. It's not fair for me,and when/if I crack, it wont be fair to her. Once she is happy, I can leave. That's all I want. She doesn't need me, someone else can do the same shit I do, I just need to find someone enough who will do so.... No one needs me!

[minniemouseprincess]

You can't die Ashley. Lets say someone DOES become able to care for your sister. Okay, thats great. But if you die when that happens, its gonna break her heart. Your sister may get depressed and upset that you are gone. Losing her sister will destroy her. No, she won't recover from such a trauma. Nobody does. Please, DON'T put her through that. She loves you Ashley and I know you love her. You're not being selfish. There's just a lot you have to deal with right now and I am aware of that. It sucks that you have to deal with that stuff at such a young age. You shouldn't have to, nobody should. I know you want to give your sister a better life. But killing yourself isn't giving her a better life. Its giving her a worse life than she's got. All you can do is continue going to counceling and talking to people. You can't give up, you have to WANT to get better to get better. Its a long journey. People sometimes take years to get better. There's a lot of slip ups, but they need to just be dealt with. You need to push yourself to just keep going. Im glad you are trying all these things. My advice to you is to just keep trying these things. This is not an overnight job. Nobody can tell you when this will get better. But the only way TO get better is really to want to get better. And thats something nobody can do for you.

[Colors Leave Me Blind]

I'm really sorry you are feeling this way, Ashley. And it's good that you have your sister to take care of. You say no one needs you..well she does. She may not make it without you from the sounds of how you describe your family. What you need to do, is get a job to start. And a good job, if you can but any will do. Even if you have to go fast food, it will be a start. Save ALL the money you earn to move out the second you are 18. Right when you are 18, find an apartment even move in with a friend, if you can. And then go to the courts and try and get your sister in YOUR custody so she is away from your parents. You'd have to prove to them that you can do it, so make sure that the job you have is do-able and keep-able. You have to be willing to take responsibility for your sister.
I wish you the best of luck. If you need anything, feel free to PM me. Please, don't do anything stupid like ending your life or hurting yourself. You are so much better than that. I can definitely tell. Take care hun, and remember, just breathe. It'll all be okay, eventually. You just have to give it some time.

[Ashleyhateslife]

I want to get better, well, I did. Not I just want get up. I can't get custody of my step sister because I'm not blood relate or a foster parent. I have to wait until she is 17 and wants to move in with me. I'm just so stressed!

[Colors Leave Me Blind]

I understand being stressed. I really hope it gets better soon. <3

[secretskill]

To start, I just want to say
I can understand how stressful it must be to go through all of these tests, but be glad that nothing's wrong There are people out there who help, believe me. There's a saying going something like "You can chose your friends, but you can't chose your family" You can't change your family, either. We, TeenHelp, are always here when you want us. But to let us help you, you need to want to help yourself. You are such an amazing person (and no i'm not just saying that) I bet the 7 year old girl will cherish you. You're both helping each other, she's keeping you in this world right now, and you're saving hers.

[Ashleyhateslife]

Thank you!