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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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AdamsLife Offline
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Inadequacy - January 30th 2012, 09:52 PM

I really don't know why I'm posting about this here. I'm not really expecting help, I just want to get this out somewhere.
My emotions confuse the f*** out of me on a regular basis. The routine normally goes like this. I'm happy and normal by morning and day, but as soon as the sun starts setting, and I arrive back home, I get all sorts of depressed.
That's not always the rule, but it is generally.
I have stupid mood swings and I'll shift dramatically in the blink of an eye, with no apparent reason.
I'm tempted to see a doctor to see if I have some sort of medical reason for this in my brain.

But anyway, that's not why I'm posting.
I'm depressed because of how useless I am when it comes to actually doing any sort of work. I want to get a degree, but I can't even bring myself to do my school work. I will find /any/ alternative. Like posting on TH instead, like I am now. When my mom tries to help me, I get really really angry with her, and I say such hurtful things to her. My unjustified hatred towards her is only matched by my hatred for myself.
No matter how many times I say that I'll get better, I always end up doing the same thing. Playing with a pencil, or texting, or staring into nothingness.
I'm wasting my dad's money, my mom's time, and I don't see myself ever improving. I've found myself considering suicide in the past few weeks, on nights when I get really really dark. Nights which are coming around with more regularity now. I know who I'll be missed by. I know people will be sad. But it really would save my dad especially, alot of trouble in the long run.
What scares me most, is not that I'm thinking about death in the first place, but the fact that I can think about it as calmly and logically as I am.

I consider cutting a better alternative to suicide, as long as it's done safely. I'm sure there are people who would say that cutting is always bad, but I disagree there. Maybe I'll try going back to that. Meh.
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Re: Inadequacy - January 31st 2012, 12:02 AM

Cutting IS bad. You are harming yourself and really, its not helping you. There's nothing good about it. There are much better ways to handle things. Its also a terrible addiction. When you get going, its very hard to stop. So don't even get into it. As for all the other stuff you were saying, it sounds like what you have (and don't hold me to this since i'm not a doctor) is maybe Bi Polar disorder. When you have that, you do tend to get mood swings out of nowhere and depression is common. I think there's medication for it to calm you down though and make things better. I would go to the doctor in case because maybe that would help you. You did say though that you seem to get bad when you are home. Is there something going on at home? Do you get into fights with your parents, do they speak badly to you or anything like that? That could also be a possible factor. I don't know, I think you would benefit some by going to the doctor just in case.


   
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Re: Inadequacy - January 31st 2012, 01:28 AM

A lack of work ethic can be a symptom of depression, as well as mood swings, and agitiation. It sounds as if you are struggling with some of your feelings and should probably talk to someone about them. Self injury is definately not the answer as the addiction cycle is very strong. Are there any other ways that you have tried to use to cope in the last few weeks? Is there anything that helps you feel better?

Would you consider talking to you parents about what is going on? They may be able to help you to find someone to talk to that you can trust. As well, have you tried making an appointment with your family doctor? If you are honest with them, they may be able to better help you with counselling or perhaps medication.

I hope you are doing ok, and I'm here if you ever want to PM me to talk some more. You are so strong to have made it this far, and I would like to hear more from you.


"To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour."
William Blake - Auguries of Innocence
   
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