Being 'too strong' has made me depressed.

[Haruhi]

Hey guys.

Okay so I was raped 2 years ago.. and the way I reacted, the way I got over it. It was almost sudden and after that it never haunted me. I'd just frozen it out of my life completely. Until the end of last year, suddenly I'd just hit a wall. It all came back, and now it won't go away!

I can't speak to ANYONE. Honestly, my 'best friend' wasn't aware of my feelings, and invited me out the other night, I didn't know my rapist was going to be there. I sat in silence, he even attempted to talk to me. I was so upset, but I used my wall to block him out until I got home. I haven't resulted to SH which is good of me, but my appetite has disappeared, I'm not worthy of food! And I barely sleep a wink at night. When I eventually do sleep, I have fucked up weird dreams, whether they relate to him or not, they're still weird.

One I had in particular, it was an old man.. I was locked in his house, and I couldn't find an escape, I couldn't wake myself up. I was screaming and crying and he kept trying to force his hands onto me. - Must've related to the man who sexually assaulted me.

Another one; I was sat alone eating, and I two hands grabbed me, they were held above me, I just froze. I couldn't swallow my food, i couldn't scream. i felt like i was choking.

They won't go away! They all have some little relation to both incidents, even if they're not directly involved, I get about 2 hours undisturbed sleep a night. It's awful, i feel like throwing myself off a cliff.

I honestly cannot cope anymore. </3

[Bridghid]

First of all, I'm sorry that you had to go through that. It must be difficult to go through something like that. It sounds as if this is weighing heavily on you and that some events trigger the memory to come to the forefront of your mind. It must be stressful to feel like you can't talk to anyone about this, but starting on here is a good step. It takes a lot of courage to post on this site, and the sharing of a problem sometimes helps to think about it more objectively.

You are worthy of food. What he did was wrong and you should never blame yourself for it. It may seem like you don't have much of an appetite, but trying to eat may help you. Good job for not self injuring though. It shows how strong you are and that you can get through this that you were able to stop yourself from self injury.

I know you feel that you can't talk to your best friend about this, but is there someone you can trust that you can talk to besides on here? It may be scary to talk about something like this, but possibly your family doctor or a counsellor could help you with being able to sleep, and help to support you so that you are able to live your life fully.

Don't throw yourself away. There are so many people on here and in your life that want to help you and support you. If you ever want to talk, please feel free to PM me anytime. Stay strong, and I hope you are ok.