Help? Not sure what to do?

[AnALightbulb]

I've been struggling for five months. I'm not sure what my "depression" has more to do with: my faith or stress from school (senior year). My religious faith has gone down hill rapidly. I feel God has been testing me and my problems are only getting worse. I feel so alone and afraid that I can't break free from the "dark". I'm tired of fighting to keep my head up and breaking down every night. In the last week I have had two times where I had a huge urge to cut myself. I've never cut before and I'm trying my hardest to avoid it. But on top of that I also had thoughts of suicide. I don't want to take the cheap way out. I'm a Christian- God's life to give, God's to take. I haven't talked to anyone about any of this. I have a hard time opening up to people because I am majorly insecure. There is one person I feel comfortable talking to, a teacher. Every time I start feeling really bad I immediately want to go to her, but by the time I can see her (I break down after school/ at night) I feel okay. I want to talk to her but I'm scared she will report me to the school, because I'm pretty sure she would do that. I don't want my parents to know (I don't want to go on medication or anything). And on top of that I feel guilty bringing my problems on her shoulders because it's not something she should have to deal with/ worry about. I have talked a little before to her and it felt really good and she has no problem with talking to me (she said she looks forward to it) but I don't want to impose and I'm kind of ashamed and I'm frustrated with myself. I try to put people before myself and I feel really guilty when I think about me. Do you have any suggestions? What should I do? And thank you in advance!!

[msfsteven]

Every time I start feeling really bad I immediately want to go to her, but by the time I can see her (I break down after school/ at night) I feel okay.

I struggle with this too! I hold everything in at school and wait until I'm alone or going to sleep, and cry. I start feeling better, but I get nothing solved and it just get's worse.
Anyway, I understand what you mean.

I try to put people before myself and I feel really guilty when I think about me.

I totally agree with you. Things that make me mad just get the best of me, and I lose sight of others.

[minniemouseprincess]

Originally Posted by AnALightbulb

I've been struggling for five months. I'm not sure what my "depression" has more to do with: my faith or stress from school (senior year). My religious faith has gone down hill rapidly. I feel God has been testing me and my problems are only getting worse. I feel so alone and afraid that I can't break free from the "dark". I'm tired of fighting to keep my head up and breaking down every night. In the last week I have had two times where I had a huge urge to cut myself. I've never cut before and I'm trying my hardest to avoid it. But on top of that I also had thoughts of suicide. I don't want to take the cheap way out. I'm a Christian- God's life to give, God's to take. I haven't talked to anyone about any of this. I have a hard time opening up to people because I am majorly insecure. There is one person I feel comfortable talking to, a teacher. Every time I start feeling really bad I immediately want to go to her, but by the time I can see her (I break down after school/ at night) I feel okay. I want to talk to her but I'm scared she will report me to the school, because I'm pretty sure she would do that. I don't want my parents to know (I don't want to go on medication or anything). And on top of that I feel guilty bringing my problems on her shoulders because it's not something she should have to deal with/ worry about. I have talked a little before to her and it felt really good and she has no problem with talking to me (she said she looks forward to it) but I don't want to impose and I'm kind of ashamed and I'm frustrated with myself. I try to put people before myself and I feel really guilty when I think about me. Do you have any suggestions? What should I do? And thank you in advance!!

But babe, the thing is, you need to let your parents know. Your parents need to know so they can help you. Its so wonderful that you trust a teacher enough to go to her when things are bad. But your teacher can't be your sole helper through this. She's not a professional. It would be like telling a friend every single thing and hoping that just by doing that, things would be better. Let me tell you from personal experience (from both me being on the talker end and from me being on the receiving end) that kind of thing doesn't work. It doesn't help enough and really, you don't get that much better. Not enough change takes place as you've seen. I think it would be in your best interest for the teacher to tell or for you to tell yourself. That way, they will be able to get you the help you need. Then everyone will be happier. Its wonderful that you try to put people before yourself a lot. But that shouldn't be the case always, like for something like this. In this case, you matter the most. Its about you getting help. Also, bravo for no cutting=) Im glad of that=)

[Total Light Storm]

Originally Posted by AnALightbulb

I've been struggling for five months. I'm not sure what my "depression" has more to do with: my faith or stress from school (senior year). My religious faith has gone down hill rapidly. I feel God has been testing me and my problems are only getting worse. I feel so alone and afraid that I can't break free from the "dark". I'm tired of fighting to keep my head up and breaking down every night. In the last week I have had two times where I had a huge urge to cut myself. I've never cut before and I'm trying my hardest to avoid it. But on top of that I also had thoughts of suicide. I don't want to take the cheap way out. I'm a Christian- God's life to give, God's to take. I haven't talked to anyone about any of this. I have a hard time opening up to people because I am majorly insecure. There is one person I feel comfortable talking to, a teacher. Every time I start feeling really bad I immediately want to go to her, but by the time I can see her (I break down after school/ at night) I feel okay. I want to talk to her but I'm scared she will report me to the school, because I'm pretty sure she would do that. I don't want my parents to know (I don't want to go on medication or anything). And on top of that I feel guilty bringing my problems on her shoulders because it's not something she should have to deal with/ worry about. I have talked a little before to her and it felt really good and she has no problem with talking to me (she said she looks forward to it) but I don't want to impose and I'm kind of ashamed and I'm frustrated with myself. I try to put people before myself and I feel really guilty when I think about me. Do you have any suggestions? What should I do? And thank you in advance!!

Hey,

I first want to let you know you definitely are not alone in having these feelings or thoughts.
I struggle with my faith too and have thought of, and have for a very long time, cut myself.
I am telling you this because, in my case, I never seeked help when I should have, sure I thought about it, it was recommended but I let my fear of what would happen or what people would think of me get in the way of what was best for me and my relationship with God.
If you don't mind a little religion in this reply, I want to let you know that God is with you and while you go through what it is you are dealing with, you should really try to read his word.
There are a lot of very comforting and useful passages on this topic, (my youth group recently has done bible studies on both self harm and suicide.)
I don't want to make this uber long, but if you want, you can message me and I can give you a very useful list of Bible verses to read that may help you.
Also, God wants his people to lean on him during times like this and I know it's really hard to, but I know you can do it. He never gives us a challenge we can't handle.
I'm going to link you to TeenHelp's list of alternatives to self harm.
The list is great and you can use these things to help distract you from thinking about cutting.
Also, I really suggest you talk to the teacher you mentioned, yes she may have to tell the school which in turn would probably get your parents involved. But that is way better than letting things get worse and build up and them finding out on there own.
I know it is scary to try to bring things like this up with parents, but once you bring it up you will probably feel a lot better knowing that they know and are there to support you at any time.
Another thing, there is nothing wrong with getting professional help and they may or may not put you on medication, you might just receive counseling; which is very helpful by the way.
I really hope that this reply helps you in some way and you can message me if you ever need anything.