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-   -   Triggering (Suicide): It's everywhere (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f11-depression-suicide/t94200-its-everywhere/)

icegirl February 3rd 2012 12:39 AM

It's everywhere
It's everywhere, the thoughts that I know aren't right. When a van passes by, I think, "I should have thrown myself under that when I had the chance." When I walk into school, I wonder if I'll be remembered. When I hear my father's baked laughter, I hope that he'll be too high to realize it when I'm dead, to save him from the hurt. It's like I don't even have that big feeling of helplessness, I've just accepted it, that I can't keep going on, that any minute I'm gonna do that one thing I can't take back, killing myself.

.I can't tell anybody. I've got two or three friends that I confide in about my home and stuff that's bothering me, but suicide isn't something you can say. Because they'll tell someone, and suicide means hospital trip. That's the last thing I need: white walls, condescending doctors asking me how I feel, returning to school on pills and getting weird looks. No thanks. And yet, all I think about is my own funeral.

Am I an attention whore if I hope I'll be remembered? That there is a memorial? I don't just want people to know who I am, I just want to be free. I can't take any more of it. It's like I'm a loaf of bread and life nibbled at me for a while, and now there's only a single moldy piece left. My parents' alcoholism, my father's pot habit, my constant stress at school, worrying about my grandma's health, social anxiety, insomnia, all of it just grows and grows. I can't stand it. What's it worth anyway? What if I never become the great writer I used to dream about being, anyway?

The thoughts are everywhere, and they aren't going away. (Sorry if it's melodramatic)

minniemouseprincess February 3rd 2012 01:38 AM

Re: It's everywhere
All I can say is you gotta both get out of that house AND you need to get yourself some help. Living in the home you are now is a dangerous and toxic environment for you because of the drugs and drinking. Parents should NOT be doing that when they have children and you should not be exposed to that. For your own sake, go to the school counceler and tell him/her the situation. About your home environment but also how you've been feeling. Your home environment is adding to why you feel the way you are, but reguardless you gotta talk to someone. I know you feel like you can't do it anymore, but thats why its so necessary right now that you see someone. You don't want to die, I know you don't. Nobody thats ever made a suicide post on here TRULY wants to die. You wanna know how I know? Because if they did, they would have never made a post about it. Maybe you won't admit it, but deep down you still have a shred of hope that someone is gonna help you get out of this situation. That you will go on to live your life. And thats exactly what you should do. There's a reason why you are here, there's a reason why everyone is here. And until we fulfill that reason, we don't leave. And you know something else? You're lucky. You're lucky because you are living. my mother's cousin died when he was only 3. You know how? He was outside playing in the front yard and a plane literally fell straight out of the sky onto him. It was a true freak accident. He never got past 3 years old. He never went to school, never made friends, never went to prom, got married, or had kids of his own. He'd never know what thats like. You have the opportunity to do that. Be happy that you do. Sometimes, people don't know how much they have. You have more right now than my mother's cousin could ever have. You have your WHOLE life. He had 3 years. In the future, your life will not look the same as it does now. You gotta remember that.

icegirl February 3rd 2012 03:19 AM

Re: It's everywhere
I know how lucky I am. I've heard some horror stories on here. And you're right, I don't want to die. But it's not like I can go to a psyche ward. It's demeaning. Leaving my home's impossible, too. It would hurt my dad if I told about his pot habit, and it's not like its crack or anything. But I don't think they realize what the drinking and everything is doing to me. They act like its some kind of joke, making me worry about them. I don't have a life of my own anyway, so I might as well go. I never really felt happy on this earth, and maybe I wasn't meant for it. Some people are born athletes, some are born musicians, some are born dying.

minniemouseprincess February 3rd 2012 07:18 AM

Re: It's everywhere
Nono i'm not talking about going to a psyche ward, no. Im talking about getting some therapy or something. I wasn't thinking bigger than that. And no, nobody's born dying. People are born to live. Why would you even exist if you came here for nothing? You exist for a reason. We all do. We aren't supposed to know that reason, but that doesn't mean there isn't one. Look, you are young. Younger than me even. Younger than my little sister. You haven't even begun to live yet. By the time you get to be my age, maybe your life will have changed. We don't know. But nothing stays the same forever. So im willing to bet your life will be different at 17 than it has been now. If your family problems have been bothering you, I think you should sit mom and dad down and talk about it with them. Let them know how concerned you are and the impact it has on you. They probably don't know. Nothings gonna change until you make a change.Thats something nobody can do for you.

icegirl February 3rd 2012 11:47 AM

Re: It's everywhere
I've talked with them. They say their decisions about drinking and stuff aren't up to me. My mom's boyfriend basically controls everything. I know there's a chance it will change, but I've been depressed since elementary school. It's so hard to keep going.

Void of Creation February 4th 2012 01:39 AM

Re: It's everywhere
hey, don't give up. i almost did, and now i'm doing a lot better. mostly because of my friends and loves(crushes, but loves sounds more romantic). i Will always be here for any of you. don't be afraid to pm me, or friend me. i will help you however, and whenever i can. it's not a bother. actually, it bothers me when people don't want my help.

MusicIsEverything February 4th 2012 01:44 AM

Re: It's everywhere
I think it would be good for you to get some help, therapy or something. I'm in therapy, and I love my therapist. And hell no, you're not an attention whore for wanting people to remember you. I really want you to know, people would. People would miss you. I know suicidal thoughts can be really convincing, and they can consume you. But please don't give in to them.

Void of Creation February 4th 2012 02:02 AM

Re: It's everywhere
no one is an attention whore for wanting people to notice them. attention whores are usually the popular girls, who mess with you. you are just a sweet, misunderstood girl, and that's nothing to be ashamed of.

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